Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[burned]

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Lots of LBSs start R talks due to what we call "the illusion of action". Most LBSs that are in limbo HATE IT. And they think any action is better than inaction. It isn't.

Also, try to throw emotion out the window and ask yourself, objectively, what the motivations behind your actions are. So many of us LBSs do things in the guise of setting boundaries, standing up for ourselves, etc, when really it is just manipulation attempts, or trying to get the WAS' attention.

So what is the rush?

[Ready2Change]

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This was all due to her giving me an outlandish value for some of the things she was leaving and wanting to buy new. Example she wanted 1k for dining table. I said I will not buy a her a new dining table at 1k. Since we both own our table 50/50 and I am keeping it I will buy out her half at the value we think the table is worth.

If this comes up again then try this- "W, it sounds like we disagree on the value of the table. If you feel the table is worth 2k, then I will accept that value and let you have it and you can pay me 1k for my half of it." Then if she hedges but still wants too much then "Very well, since we can't agree then let's sell the table and split the proceeds 50-50. Let me know how the sale goes."

[AnotherStander]

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Post from Accuray, reposted to above link by LH19:

There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.

You are not safe for her to approach until she feels you've let her go. That's a simple truth, but incredibly hard to accept.

Reaching out to W, making overtures, contacting W's family, talking to OM's W, snooping on W, this is all "drinking the poison water"

Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?

The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.

When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

You're dying of thirst (feeling out of control), and pursuing W is drinking the water out of the poison lake. You think it will satisfy your thirst each time you do it, but really it's just making you sicker.

We will tell you "don't drink the water!" Intellectually you'll agree, but the water is always there and logically it seems that drinking it is the shortest path to no longer being thirsty.

Instead, you need to paddle your ass to the shore, leave the raft behind, and get a drink somewhere else.

That's not code for having your own affair or finding a new woman to have a relationship with. It has to do with finding an authentic way to rebuild your feeling of being in control, controlling your own destiny and getting your mojo back.

If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

[Ready2Change]

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I spent 8 months in limbo and while I used that time wisely it had no impact on my XW returning. I was not strong enough at the time but looking back I wished I would have filed for divorce myself. I realize now that she started dating as soon as she moved out (3 weeks after BD) of the house and more than likely only moved forward with divorce when she found someone she was comfortable with which is her current BF. I enabled the entire thing as I sat back, gave her time/distance and worked on myself. I enabled her to get comfortable and move forward on her terms.

That being said....don't file for D if you don't want one and don't do it as a trick or ploy to get your W to return.

[Ready2Change]

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So many people telling me so much. All good advice and I listen to it all. It's processing the information and ultimately making my own decisions that will allow me to move forward.

Timing is also important. Knowing which advise applies in which situation, and what step of the process.

[burned]

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You do have a chance for a do-over. Life isn't over yet man...It's only late when you're on your death bed and you look back with regret. I don't want to have any major regrets about what I wanted to do in life and who I wanted to be.

[Ready2Change]

Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that.

4 years ago, a woman laid in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know who they were.

She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got her. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.

She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?

She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.

He was cold, hard, in a fog.

She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.

She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.

She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.

When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.

She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?

By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.

When no one was watching, she cried. She cried til she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's losing so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.

She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.

He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.

The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.

She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.

Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.

Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a WAW. She wanted you to know.

[Ready2Change]

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Looking confident and being arrogant are two different things folks. You can be confident without being arrogant... My wife was on the fence seriously contemplating leaving the relationship. She expressed seriously that she did not know what to do. Obviously, I cannot tell her what to do even though I feel my advice is sound, and that I did not feel our relationship is as bad as she feels that it is. Instead, I prayed to God and I told him it was in his hands. I assured my wife when opportunities arose that I did not blame her that I am very aware that I play a major part in how she feels. I assured her that I know she loves me and that I know she cares about me. But I did not offer up suggestions, or solutions or try and tell her how she must be feeling. I put that in God's hands.

My wife has stepped back from that cliff again, and I thank God and glorify him for that because she had to make a very tough decision in her mind to stay. Not saying I won't find myself here again. But at least, for the time being, I feel like I'm standing on firm ground.

If you feel judgment in your heart that your wife is making a bad decision, and no doubt all of us feel that she probably is, but in her mind, she has justified that she is making the right decision, then she senses by your words and actions that you are judging her. She senses that you feel superior to her because you aren't the one walking out and you make it clear that her walking out makes her selfish when in her mind she has rationalized that she has finally built confidence and strength and you can't even acknowledge that. This is what makes you arrogant. Only when you sit her down and take responsibility for your actions (give examples of what those actions look like) in this marriage that has gotten you two to this point and not mention once anything she has done or is doing in an attempt to reflect it back on her will she actually feel like she doesn't have to justify her reasons for leaving anymore. When you tell her that you know that she does care about you, the kids and the family but that you see a renewed sense of strength and confidence that you have not seen in a while in her. That you acknowledge that you know she has had to make some of the toughest decisions in her life and you know that she did not come to this lightly, but you understand she had to make a decision and you respect that. Only then will that weight be lifted off her shoulders. That is when she can start to heal and that is when she will start to see you as a different person than she has been rationalizing you as in her head. Once you start this process though it will not change overnight. All of this takes time. A lot of time. When I did this with my wife several months ago, all she said was wow. However, that didn't mean she trusted me right then and there it took months of her processing it and me showing and saying these things over and over again letting her know that I don't know what she's feeling I can only imagine it's very difficult and I'm available if she ever wants to talk. Keep up the good work and don't give up just because hard. But understand this has been hard on her too and yes she's giving up but look at how many times you have contemplated giving up.

[Ready2Change]

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So, my question is, if W asks me before I leave, "So you are just going to hang out with best friend?" How do I respond? Right now I'm thinking I will just tell the truth. I will tell W, "best friend is out of town but I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."

OK so the rule of thumb here is not to lie, but not to be real generous with information either.

So you might say "no he's going out of town."

Then if she asks if you're not doing anything after all then say "I still am, I made other plans." I

f she keeps pushing, THEN say "I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."


It's walking a fine line. Some LBS's are way too generous with info and others are way too stingy. The former makes it sound to the WAS like they are trying desperately to convince them they are not hiding anything, and the latter makes it sound like they are intentionally hiding something. But in between is where you want to be- I am living my own life and I will tell you about it if you insist but frankly I don't care to share it with you if I don't have to.

Thank you, AS. That's the answer I was looking for. The 'what if she keeps asking' angle of it.

[Ready2Change]

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Do not quibble over stupid things. ... If it is immaterial - let it go. I don't mean let her walk all over you. But be fair. The things to remember are (and this is applicable to multiple situations): am I doing X because what she is asking is fundamentally unreasonable, am I doing X out of spite; is X in the best interest of the children and how does doing X help me detach. I ask myself those four questions all the time, and I still sometimes do the wrong thing.