Acc, thank you for the great response. I understand what you are saying about the touch and go moments and that makes perfect sense, that is what happened on our date a month ago. I now feel better prepared to handle those moments. The big fight was regarding me not being able to see the stepkids anymore (which yesterday I asked her if I could see them since my stepson told me he wanted to see me, and she said yes that's fine - which was a huge surprise for me). I feel as though the fighting was/is caused by resentment on both ends, which turns any small thing into a fight. Since I've accepted that we are never getting back together (and gotten over the depression honestly I've been feeling fine), I don't feel any resentment towards her anymore. It's like the slate has been wiped clean. I don't know if its the same for her or not. I am in a therapy program one night per week. Her dad told me that she is also in a weekly therapy program.
I still haven't met up with her. The night that we were going to meet up I had to stay at work late, and the last two nights she has worked. But she's been texting me every day for random things and joking, almost flirting. I'm not pursuing at all.
Her dad called me again last night to ask how things are going. I told him that I haven't seen her since our first call. He said that he talked to her again yesterday and that she says how she really took me for granted and now she realizes what she had with me and wants to change and have a new, better relationship with me. I told him that she hasn't mentioned wanting to talk to me about this. He said that I need to take the risk and talk to her and to trust him that she will respond, I just need to start the talk since she is too proud and afraid of rejection. He is coming to visit this weekend and wants to see me so we can "work this out". Not too sure how I feel about that.
So, on one hand I have all of the DB principles which say no pursuit, and on the other hand, my father inlaw basically telling me to pursue (by starting this R conversation). I am obviously leaning towards the DB principles and I'm honestly afraid to pursue as I know it will backfire. It's just hard since someone I trust is telling me to do the opposite. What do you all think?
I think you should leave the in-laws completely out of it. They don't know your sitch, only what W has told them. She may be saving face, just venting to him. Who knows? I would just tell him while you appreciate his concern, it's a private matter.
Did your W do the grade school, tell someone to tell you what she wants? Seriously?
I'd talk to the W about it, but really go slow and tell her that her father called you and said a few things, ask her what she told him? And if she says "I want this to be a great marriage" don't just jump up and go crazy and dip her for an intense kiss...(hahaha). You should even be expecting anything positive at all.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Her dad called me again last night to ask how things are going. I told him that I haven't seen her since our first call.
^^^That response is pursuit! You are trying to initiate an R convo with her dad, something Michele calls "rallying the troops against her". Don't do that!! If you talk to your inlaws the ONLY thing you should be talking about is all of your awesome, amazing, inspiring GAL activities. Because then they will talk to her and say "wow, lost is doing X, Y and Z and it sounds like he's really enjoying his time without you." THAT is what you want getting back to her.
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He said that he talked to her again yesterday and that she says how she really took me for granted and now she realizes what she had with me and wants to change and have a new, better relationship with me.
Your response- "Oh, well if she ever approaches me about recon then I will have to decide what to do about it I suppose. But anyway, did I tell you I set a new PR in the bench press yesterday? Then I went ziplining with some friends, have you ever tried that? It was so much fun!"
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He said that I need to take the risk and talk to her and to trust him that she will respond, I just need to start the talk since she is too proud and afraid of rejection.
Nope he's wrong. You open that talk and I guarantee it will tell her you are still firmly in place as Plan B and that's where you will stay.
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He is coming to visit this weekend and wants to see me so we can "work this out". Not too sure how I feel about that.
NO!!!!!! Look, the only side of this that needs to be worked out is HERS. Nothing you do will speed it up. The BEST you can do is NOTHING. Keep giving her time and space and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave.
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So, on one hand I have all of the DB principles which say no pursuit, and on the other hand, my father inlaw basically telling me to pursue (by starting this R conversation). I am obviously leaning towards the DB principles and I'm honestly afraid to pursue as I know it will backfire. It's just hard since someone I trust is telling me to do the opposite. What do you all think?
I think your instincts are correct, it WILL backfire. It will set you back months.
You guys really opened my eyes. I honestly didn't realize that was pursuit but now I see it plain as day. I've been thinking quite a bit today, and I have made a choice to continue as I was before the first phone call with my father in law. I am not going to meet up with her at this time, I'm just going to keep GAL as I was before all of this. I feel as though if I meet up now, it'll show that I'm still there as plan B, it just feels too soon.
I may meet up with my father inlaw by himself to say hi out of respect, but if he begins this talk again I will do what Grace said and just tell him its a private matter.
AS, I agree with every point that you made. I feel like I now understand (and follow) the distance/pursuit rules with her, but I didn't realize that I needed to apply them when talking to other people (I know, I know, it's pretty obvious). I will definitively keep that in mind from now on. And like I said, there is no way I am initiating ANYTHING with her, not a phone call or text, and much less an R convo.
I am worried about one thing. Since he is coming this weekend to visit her, I am certain that he will be pressuring her about this whole situation (I just know how he is). It's almost as if I am the one pressuring her in a way, isn't it? Because of my past pursuit behaviors, I feel as though she will see it the same way and set me back months, even though it isn't coming from me this time.
When I mentioned to him that I am seeing a therapist, he immediately asked if she knows that I am seeing one (yes). But he kept repeating how good that I'm seeing a therapist etc. I feel as though he will start pressuring her by saying "Look, he's seeing a therapist, you need to give him another chance", etc. Like I said before, I just know how he is. I guess we'll see what happens...
I made this mistake early on. I am close to my MIL and my SIL. When BD hit I had no-one else to turn to. MIL gave well meaning but ultimately harmful advice ... she said I should start snooping for OW (there wasn't one) and do things to make him jealous. SIL offered me a kind ear and hugs. Then both told H everything I said in the hopes that he would see how much damage he was doing (it backfired - he accused me of sharing our dirty laundry with his mum and sister).
Ultimately, they unknowingly pressured him to make a decision. They told him I was broken and he needed to either man up or move out. He moved out. MIL is now putting pressure on him to either tell me we are definitely done, or to come home. I wish she'd stop.
Originally Posted by imlost8
I am worried about one thing. Since he is coming this weekend to visit her, I am certain that he will be pressuring her about this whole situation (I just know how he is). It's almost as if I am the one pressuring her in a way, isn't it? Because of my past pursuit behaviors, I feel as though she will see it the same way and set me back months, even though it isn't coming from me this time.
I can't really give advice on this other than what's been said above. He will do what he will do. She will put up a wall and not listen.
If he brings it up with you again, I would say "Listen, appreciate your concern, but really W just needs space to work things out" and then quickly move on to other topics (GAL activities, work, weather). Remain upbeat - detach and 180 with them as well. FIL will get the message.
My MIL is coming over shortly. I am now going to try and heed my own advice
Hello all, wanted to give an update on my sitch. Nothing happened involving me over the weekend while FIL was here in town. Late last night, she calls me, I didn't answer. I returned her call today when I got done work, and she said she called to ask me a question but she couldn't remember what it was. Then she said "We (her and the stepkids) are at the mall by your house if you want to see the kids" and I said "Let me call you right back", when I called her back she asked if I had eaten dinner, I said no. She said she'd treat me to dinner if I wanted to go to Olive Garden with them, I agreed.
Had a great time at the restaurant, I hadn't seen the kids in over a month, so me and the kids talked and joked, had an awesome time. Really was so nice to see them. I didn't make much convo with her at all, she kind of butted into to our convos (before I'd always be very talkative to her, I know that she noticed the difference, but truthfully I really went to see the kids, not so much her). I was not rude though, I was very upbeat, happy, and joking. When the check came, she stuck out her card but I told her I'd pay this time. After dinner I hugged/kissed the kids and I noticed she leaned for a hug but I stuck my hand out for a handshake instead.
30 minutes after I get home, she sends me these 2 texts: "Thank you for dinner, the kids and I had a great time", then 2 minutes later "It's been a long time since I've felt happy, and tonight I do. I saw how happy the kids were too". Don't really know what to say honestly. Old me would have said (and she knows it, she knows me so well, I'm sure she thought that her text would provoke this response from me): "same here, It's been a while since I've felt that way too, hopefully we can do it again soon" or something along those lines. New me knows that is not going to get me anywhere.
How am I supposed to respond to that (if at all)? I expected something like the first text, but really didn't expect the second one. Thank you all, I'm learning as I go and trying not to screw things up further.
