Equalzr 120mph w no seatbelts! Advise! pt IV

[equalzr]

Sandi,

Im definitely an example of being a sahd for too long. Looking back i dont think women are wired to solely carry the burden of providing for their family. It wore on my W after doing it for a number of years and then the resentment grew from there. That said, i dont think she ever appreciated all the years i paid the bills so she could he a sahm.

As for the housework, it sounds like your saying that the W will keep taking more and more if the H allows it? How are your views about the H chasing career success and that being a big attraction for the W? Is that more important to a W than helping out at home, or equal in your eyes?

[Rose888]

To be fair, I hear about a lot of marriages that end in divorce because the wife is a sahm and the husband loses his attraction for her in part because she is so focused on the house and kids that she loses sight of herself as a person.

As for your question, equalzr, I would not like to be married to someone who chased career success to the point where he was not an active partner in our home life.

And going back to the conversation about chores and who does more, you should definitely take emotional labor into account. That's often not taken into account when couple's divide responsibilities, and it can lead to a lot of resentment.

[equalzr]

To be fair, I hear about a lot of marriages that end in divorce because the wife is a sahm and the husband loses his attraction for her in part because she is so focused on the house and kids that she loses sight of herself as a person.

As for your question, equalzr, I would not like to be married to someone who chased career success to the point where he was not an active partner in our home life.

And going back to the conversation about chores and who does more, you should definitely take emotional labor into account. That's often not taken into account when couple's divide responsibilities, and it can lead to a lot of resentment.

Thanks for chiming in Rose!

I didnt really think about it from that angle of the sahm becoming too focused on the family and not herself. My guess is that either the W or H can become less attracted to their spouse if the spouse doesnt focus on themselves enough(physically, career, etc).

Would you be okay being married to someone who doesnt reach his career potential because he is laser focused on his family and loses focus of his career(still works steady)?

Im not sure what emotional labor is??? I dont think ive ever heard that term.

[Rose888]

To be fair, I hear about a lot of marriages that end in divorce because the wife is a sahm and the husband loses his attraction for her in part because she is so focused on the house and kids that she loses sight of herself as a person.

As for your question, equalzr, I would not like to be married to someone who chased career success to the point where he was not an active partner in our home life.

And going back to the conversation about chores and who does more, you should definitely take emotional labor into account. That's often not taken into account when couple's divide responsibilities, and it can lead to a lot of resentment.

Thanks for chiming in Rose!

I didnt really think about it from that angle of the sahm becoming too focused on the family and not herself. My guess is that either the W or H can become less attracted to their spouse if the spouse doesnt focus on themselves enough(physically, career, etc).

Would you be okay being married to someone who doesnt reach his career potential because he is laser focused on his family and loses focus of his career(still works steady)?

Im not sure what emotional labor is??? I dont think ive ever heard that term.

Well, I have sacrificed some of my career potential to have the family life I want, so yes, I am more than ok being married to someone who also prioritizes family.

That said, if my husband had no ambition outside the home and family, I might find that less attractive. I've not been in that position, so I can't say for sure. Career ambition is not all or nothing. You can still set and achieve goals, even if your family is your priority.

[Rose888]

And google emotional labor. :-)

[equalzr]

And google emotional labor. :-)

I already did! Always ready to learn something new!

[Maika]

That nice balance between career and family - it's gonna look different for every couple and their particular contexts. Without completely open communication of what is needed, expected, and how appreciation works for both people, there will always be issues. Both parties have to come to the table and hash this out. And men can't be NGS. Thanks for pointing out emotional labor Rose. That's so huge.

[equalzr]

On a side note, i retained a L. S**t definitely got real for me. I had to stop myself from breaking down on the way out of the office. This pain is a m.f.

[FlySolo]

I have not yet retained one, but I have seen a few to get a feel for my rights. Each time hurt. It is the right thing to do. I am not ready to retain yet. H is not pushing and neither am I. But yes, I expect it hurts like a mf. Every milestone on this road hurts like a mf.

Re your question about men and housework - It would have been nice if just once I came home and the dishwasher was emptied. That would have been sexy. Being a great dad is sexy.

In all seriousness. Marriage is a partnership and we all do our bit, whether that be bringing home the bread, or being the one to put that bread into the evening meal. For a long time I was the breadwinner (still am) and if he had wanted to be a SAHD I would have supported him.

[equalzr]

I have not yet retained one, but I have seen a few to get a feel for my rights. Each time hurt. It is the right thing to do. I am not ready to retain yet. H is not pushing and neither am I. But yes, I expect it hurts like a mf. Every milestone on this road hurts like a mf.

Re your question about men and housework - It would have been nice if just once I came home and the dishwasher was emptied. That would have been sexy. Being a great dad is sexy.

In all seriousness. Marriage is a partnership and we all do our bit, whether that be bringing home the bread, or being the one to put that bread into the evening meal. For a long time I was the breadwinner (still am) and if he had wanted to be a SAHD I would have supported him.

FS, i appreciate your mindset about sahp. I overheard my WW telling OM on the phone that she stopped doing everything in the house that she always had to do. I know its not true, and i shouldnt let it get to me, but it pi**ed me off. Why is it so hard for some people to see others contributions? Honestly, i did virtually all the laundry, dishes, ironing, yard work, ran S to all activities(he was in a lot), and worked a few days a week as well. W ended up being the bread winner, did nearly all the cooking up until a few years ago and did the grocery shopping. I will never understand why she couldnt communicate to me that she wanted our roles to change.