I wasn't sure what I should call my new thread. I wanted something gentle and hopeful, so it's 'with love'.
I know I'm posting a lot at the moment. I feel like I'm able to stand further and further back now, and understanding a lot, much more than previously.
I'm starting to really feel, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm still quite affected by total roller coaster I've been on the past few years and the amount of adrenaline I've had coursing through my system as well. I mean, I kind of understood it intellectually, but I'm really feeling it now, in my being.
So I would like to try and come down from that, at least a little.
At the moment, I'm still jumping the gun a bit with situations (work, friends, colleagues). In my head at least, and not actually in my actions. But I'd like not to be doing that in my head either. It's not good for me.
I've come to understand what companionship feels like, and it's such a beautiful thing. I now know that it was something that was missing from my M. I don't think my XH was capable of it, as he was really too selfish, too wrapped up in himself and his ego to give himself to someone else. I think he gave scraps of himself, the parts he wanted to give away, but not his being, and certainly not wholeheartedly and generously.
It's weird. I feel sad that I never experienced it in all those years I was M, but so incredibly happy and thankful that I am feeling it now. Strange how life is.
Last edited by job; 10/22/1805:27 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Just wanted to say, i can totally relate to what you are saying about your ex. Its a hard to identify trauma. We adapted to that arrngement somehow and it leaves you in a state of confusion. Even when its over.
I am so glad you are currently experiencing a relationship that is good for your soul.
I like the name of your new thread as many of us do intend to post with love.
Whenever I come across kindness and softness I just want to dissolve into tears.
The sheer relief of having got to where I am now, of having come through something, to the other side somewhere, even if I sometimes feel lost and alone looking around me. That never lasts long by the way, feeling lost and alone, whenever I feel like that I try and do something kind and gentle for myself and remind myself of the people that are in my life now.
And they are in my life because I want them to be in my life now. And my life is lived forwards, and not looking backwards.
The best revenge is a life well-lived. My ex thought HE was the musician in the family, but since he left, I've learned to play the drums and vibraphone, played for years in a punk band, and have toured professionally with a songwriter friend, have met and played on the same stage with famous musicians, and far outpaced my ex and his 10 Neil Young songs on acoustic guitar. So THERE!
You got me thinking...my XH was always the high profile creative of the two of us. Although actually, some of the stuff he won awards for were ideas I came up with.
Anyhow, I put my creativity very much on hold while I was with him. Also because I sensed very early on that he didn't like being 'eclipsed' by me (not in the same field he was working in). And the way he carried on through our M, not doing his share as an adult, dealing with the adult life stuff, made his time seem more important than mine.
Well, I've been doing some excellent, very solid work, in my own creative business over this past year/year and a half - and making it known too. No point in doing all that work and staying quiet about it
I didn't realise quite how well I was doing at publicising my work until I bumped into some people I know vaguely in his industry and they commented on it, how incredible it was and how it's really taken off this past year, and is on such a high level. And there have been a good few people that have commented on it.
I still have a bit of an inferiority complex about the music side of things. It was what I originally studied, and I still do some playing occasionally (professionally), but XH was way more talented than me in this.
XMIL said that she was upset that he'd 'taken that away from me as well' when he left me, and then I left her band a while afterward that. But not until I'd played one last gig, turning up looking fabulous and as cool as a cucumber with it.
So maybe it's time to do some work on that side of things, and get myself some solo gigs.
I have one already kml. The guys I play with are fantastic. But I lack a lot of confidence, a little through having studied music (I ended up with bad stage fright after my final performance), a little from XH.
I'm a very quiet, still player, very focussed. I'm not the larger than life, grab your attention, fill the space player, that my XH was.
I haven't ever really given my personality when I'm playing the chance to develop. I don't know if you know what I mean? I'm a good player technically, but my playing personality needs to be bigger, more me. Except I'm not really sure what that is. I don't really know how to find it, or if what I'm finding is right.
It's funny, with my other creative work, it's all very me. I really don't care what other people think. I'm not trying to make sure that what I'm doing is right, or to do things the right way (I'm certainly making sure that everything is of the highest standard it can be, well done). But I'm really just exploring my own imagination in whatever direction and way I feel like going in. And all my work comes out looking like my work.
But the music side, it's like it got stunted. And I don't know what to do to help it.
If you still suffer from stage fright, ask your doctor to prescribe propranolol 10 mg 30-60 minutes before performing. It's a time dose of a beta blocker blood pressure drug that stops the sweaty palms and racing heart. Most people only need to use it a few times to get over it.
As for your onstage persona - play with it at home. Remember the audience WANZtS to like you and don't really hears all the mistakes we hear. I'm not great at this either because I'm so seriously focused but the better rehearsed I am the easier it is for me to notice the audience.
I stopped playing for a good number of years, and then started a bit again when I met XH. I got back into it more after dabbling in meditation, and that helped in the most amazing way. I tend to use that now.
I did get some beta blockers from my doctor, but it was for the stress I was suffering after my gran died, back in 2007 and I lost job I had done for a good number of years and really loved (through the place closing). It was soon after that, that XH's behaviour started going rapidly downhill.
Anyhow, the beta blockers were great and really helped me come down from the stress I was feeling at that time. And they had absolutely no side effects, which was amazing.
Jeez, when I look back to all of that, I'm thinking 'why on earth did I put up with that and let all of that happen?'. A lot of the time, the stress I've felt has been as the result of putting up with other people's behaviour. I got stage fright as a result of a horrible teacher I had for the last two years of my degree (something along the lines of the teacher in 'Whiplash', but not as bad. Same type of person though, and he did some similar things).
Why have I not been more assertive? Or just simply turned away from people behaving in that way towards me? No need for any big drama, just a turning away to protect myself and follow my own path. Why have I been so caught in that dynamic? Why did I not feel that I could believe in myself enough to just turn away and follow my own path?
The things that I've done in my life that I've been proudest of have been when I've done exactly that: followed my own path and done what has been important to me.
Wow, I'm feeling my purpose really start to sharpen and come into focus thinking along this train of thought.
I think maybe all of this is the result of coming through the past couple of weeks and the whole BD anniversary time of year. I felt a little low and drained of energy round about the time of it. Then I felt myself get angry.
Yesterday I was working with a colleague who I've known for a while and I get on really well with. She was talking about how her latest spell of feeling down about herself was the result of an XBF saying some not very nice things about her. My totally unthinking reaction was 'why on earth listen to anything he has said about you? Why let someone else affect you that much?'. I started feeling quite indignant on her behalf.
It's always easy to feel indignant on someone else's behalf for me. Well, guess what? Time for me to tap into some of that feeling for myself.
