Been about 2 weeks since i posted. Since then there have been baby steps with my H. We start marriage counseling next week, and although I am feeling more hopeful. Last weekend we visited my parents and my sister and H. My H was on his best behavior and great towards everyone. No of them know our situation, and all were happy to see us. I think it was good because being around my loving family may have reminded him of the good times, and the support he got from everyone. Maybe i am grasping for straws?
We still have not had sex but still cuddling in bed at night and the other night he kissed me goodbye on the lips. Nothing weird going on between him and his cell phone as far as I can tell. He texts me a lot and today told me about how WE paid off our taxes. Using the WE word a lot.
I am still GAL, went running this morning, going to a concert tonite with a girlfriend, taking my Spanish class weekly and tutoring...trying to get a book club started as well. H has been doing some nice things for me but I know I cant get my hopes up just wanted to let y’all know what’s has been going on. Will update after therapy next week. Oh this weekend we r going to visit our S at boarding school. He is doing well thankfully which helps.
Went today to my first therapy session with my husband, it was kind of mixed bag. My H said to the therapist he and I dont talk and no matter what comes of our sessions or our marriage for that matter, we need to try to figure things our one way or another. I liked the therapist, he said the divorce rate for parents of special needs kids is very high and that even if we are a team when it comes to helping my son( which we have been and im proud of that) the R gets thrown to the wayside. It was validating for me because I think my H doesnt realize that the problems in our marriage are not all my fault. We just touched on the surface of things but manage to speak civil to each other. The therapist suggested that the way we are communicating or not is keeping us from getting our needs met...not a shocker, but I think if we can stick with the therapy that it could be healing, and maybe we can move on from the distance and get closer.
My H said he was going into C with an open heart and an open mind and I know he loves me but I also know he is skeptical and seems to think we are 2 totally different people with different interests. I’m hoping he comes to see that we both played a part in where things are now, that he will be honest and admit it, but even after that will he still want to stay married. We made a standing appt to see the C every Thursday and I am afraid but hopeful.
It wasnt a perfect session, and it still hurts to know that my husband isnt ILWM, im trying to hang in there and stay positive and GAL. Just wanted to give an update. My sister is here so it is a good distraction.
I know you want your husband to see that he had a role in the marriage getting to where it is now, but I caution you to keep the focus on your side of the street.
Maybe it's just me, but when I start focusing on what I want other people to do, it often starts me on a path of not wanting to change unless the other person changes too, and that's not a good path.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks Rose, That’s great advice! Now that my son is at boarding school and my job as a mom is over for the most part, I really am trying to step out of my comfort zone and try new things and find what makes ME happy. It is hard to be in MC and have to hear some of the things my husband has been unhappy about with me, but I know he needs to get it out and until we get it all out we cannot move forward. Trying to be patient and focus on me even when this all feels so painful.
Just an update....last night my h and I went out with my sister and another guy for dinner and drinks, had a nice time but I got a bit upset because my S ended up really connecting with the man who was out with us and they both ended up kissing and leaving together to his hotel room. I was happy for her but it made me sad that my H and I had once a lot of passion towards each other and now we are in this crappy place. Also it didnt help that my H kept joking that my S was “going to get laid”. I thought it was a bit thoughtless considering we havent had sex in a few months and that he told me a month ago he wasnt attracted to me. I told him in the cab ride back home that seeing my S and this guy together made me sad for where we were in our M. H didnt say much. Went home got in bed and we snuggled and we started kissing and it was very sweet and I could tell he was into it, long story short we finally after 2 months made love. It was kind of a surreal experience but I was so happy and afterwards he was really affectionate the rest of the night...lots of spooning. He left this am for a business trip overnight. I am feeling hopeful and felt like this was a breakthrough. Not sure what some of you might think, or think I made a mistake “giving in”. But we still live together and are in MC, and still go out on dates etc. so our situation is different from a WAH or being separated etc. If anyone has any thoughts on going forward please let me know. Thank you!
My two cents... for what it is worth... I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you did. My only caution, because I have seen it written so many times, is to be careful that you don’t attach any expectations. My H see saws back and forth and I could see the same thing happening with us if he were still living with me and under the right circumstances. And then I could see him running for the hills because we got too close. Anyway... enjoy the closeness... manage your expectations and reaction is he follows up with a period of distancing. I’m sure others will have more to say. (((HUGS)))
You are probably right, and I need to keep my my mind from getting ahead of myself. Although after a loooong period of no sex,(I think we had it once in the last 4 months and it was like he was going through the motions.) it felt authentic and he was very sweet., and more interested in making me happy. He has been emotionally shut down for awhile except when we went a few weeks ago to visit my son for a long weekend. Just thought that maybe he is warming up a bit, maybe his feeling are changing. We have therapy again next week and I know it will be hard, and he will probably speak more about the ways we are not compatible. It will probably bum me out but I would be naive to think, one romantic night is going to wipe out all of the disjunction in my marriage.
He is away overnight and has texted me to see what happened with my S and her New Romantic interest. I have not replied....just hanging out with my S and watching movies in my BR and eating good food, and of course talking about how great last night was for both of us!
Good for you Sansa. I think you should take it for what it was and just keep GALing. I’d love it if that would happen with me and my H but he has been distancing himself from me for a long time now. I think you are handling it just fine. Regarding the upcoming MC... expect the best but prepare for the worst. When in doubt...just listen and try not to react. I went to MC for one session with my H four years ago and he was rewriting our history to the point I had thought he had lost his mind. We didn’t go back. In hindsight, maybe we should have but to a counselling who was more solution focused. Ah well... can’t go back in time. I think everything happens for a reason. Or... things happen and we find our own reasons. Enjoy your evening with your S. :-)
Hey dejavu6, Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Like you,my H seems to be rewriting our history which makes me think some of this is a MLC for him. But im not in denial I know some of this is my contribution for where we are. It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride but I am trying to promise myself to be as honest and open and and fearless as possible and GAL bigtime. The therapist was recommended by my therapist and specializes in EFT, emotionally focused therapy. I think on average it is 20 sessions long. I am hoping we can both hang in there, but I know it will get a lot worse before it gets better. I’m truly sorry youre H is being distant, wishing you all the best.
Thank you. It is my H’s 45th birthday tomorrow so I am going away with my sister for an overnight shopping trip. My daughter was in tears tonight...wanted to know if me and her daddy were okay and why was I leaving for his birthday. Huh? Have you not noticed that your daddy isn’t living with us anymore? THIS is what you notice? Anyway... I didn’t say that. I just told her that I thought Daddy would enjoy having some time with her and her brother for his birthday. I also told her she could talk to her dad if she is upset about things. I don’t want her to necessarily but I do get tired of being the person who gets the questions and the tears. The kids don’t ever go there with him so he thinks they are AOK. Part of his delusion.
Wishing you much luck with your MC. I already have a therapist picked out for me and my H if we ever get to that point. He knows MC is one of my stipulations if he ever wants to return. I don’t want to go unless we both have the same goal which is to stay together and work it out. Will be thinking of you next week and hoping it all goes well. (((HUGS)))
