Agree with Benito. You are not DBing at all. Whilst I am also waiting to read the book I did read the 37 rules of DB that are in this forum and you are not following the rules at all. You shouldn't be arguing with your W at all regardless of the situation.
95% of your posts are about your soon to be ex wife. If you look at peoples posts who have embraced this process i.e. Maika for example, they all post about themselves, the journey they are on, how they are feeling and what they are doing to cope etc..
I'm looking after the kids and running the house on my own, getting out doing new things on a regular basis, looking after myself, getting emotional help and support, doing more hobbies, starting a new course, standing up for myself legally. I had been feeling down about W freezing the joint account but now that I've taken-over the bills I feel empowered and more independent despite the financial implications.
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No point sugar coating it and saying you are the same i.e. following DB because your not. It was only last week you were going to tell her this was all down to a parental death that made you depressed. No one that understands the process would consider doing that. There is a complete lack of understanding of the process and the impact of your actions- which is clearly reflected as your situation declines.
I didn't send her that message. I got it off my chest on here because sometimes I do have an off moment a need a 2x4. I do take responsibility for my part that I was depressed due to a death and so I became less attractive. I can understand that. What I don't take any responsibility for is W and ILs not standing by me and trying everything to keep our family together instead of making a massive effort plotting behind my back to leave and tell lies about me to give her a better chance of custody. That isn't acceptable to me.
A few days ago my IC said it was noticeable how much I've changed even in the last few weeks about how I've gone from trying to save the MR to seriously considering starting D. I know the kind of relationship that I want.
This week I declined W offering to help on one of my days with the kids. I said I'd be able to manage fine. It would have been an opportunity to see her but I didn't want too.
I have been great at not contacting her, I'm happy polite and confident when I have to be around her. I feel sorry for her because whilst she may win custody and have more money, she seems unhappy, lies all the time, is unable to cope without her parents doing so much for her, is losing me and our family being together.
I'm feeling similar to how I did in a relationship I was in many years ago. I was dumped and I moved far away to start a new life. I got back together with that woman about a year later after no contact. I was then dumped again as the person backed-down from moving to start a new life with me, but I wasn't bothered. I was soon glad to be out of that R because I'd changed but she hadn't. A few days ago my mother said to me that the woman had later written to her regretting how she had treated me. I hadn't known that. I'm sure W will one-day feel the same. The idea of a new life doesn't frighten me. I've done it before so I know I can do it again.
A few days ago I lost my phone. I panicked at first because there were contacts etc. on there not backed-up. Then I thought, 'Oh well, so what, it's an opportunity for a new phone and new contacts'. I told this to my IC who realised that really it was me being more ready to move-on with my life. Strangely, on the way home I went past a lost property office. I went inside and there was my phone on a desk. Some kind person had handed it in. I was willing to let it go but got it back. I realise that you can't pretend to yourself to let something go. You have to feel that way and you can't force yourself to feel that way, but you can do things to try to help you feel that way.
Sorry, I haven't read your whole sitch just pieces. Have you read NMMNG?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Sorry, I haven't read your whole sitch just pieces. Have you read NMMNG?
No, but I will look it up. Do you think it would be useful, and if so, why?
By the way, W birthday today and we have to meet for the kids change-over. Should I mention anything given that she has submitted a statement for the next court custody date that is packed with lies against me?
Telling her Happy Birthday is ok. If you knew it was your neighbor or co worker you would tell them happy bday right. No different here. Not telling her is a d'!k move. But, buying her a BMW or diamond earrings is too much.
Just keep it cool, and I would say, "Happy birthday" with a smile on my face. Dont ask her what she has planned. Simple.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Sorry, I haven't read your whole sitch just pieces. Have you read NMMNG?
No, but I will look it up. Do you think it would be useful, and if so, why?
By the way, W birthday today and we have to meet for the kids change-over. Should I mention anything given that she has submitted a statement for the next court custody date that is packed with lies against me?
Whether or not you are a true blue Mr. Nice Guy this book will have pieces of knowledge to strengthen who you are as a man. If you have to do a face to face exchange then wishing her Happy B-Day just to be cordial is probably fine, but leave it at that. Maybe just do it in passing. Don't treat her like she is your W, treat her like she is just another person. Friendly, but not friends. Don't reach out to her. Last note if you have read DR go back and read it again. Follow the book it is for you as much as it is for the MR.
Be strong!
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Just keep it cool, and I would say, "Happy birthday" with a smile on my face. Dont ask her what she has planned. Simple.
I've a cool new jacket and I'm going to look HOT when she sees me. LOL
The kids have already said what she has planned. W is doing something boring with some happily married ladies who I know well and she pretends to like. Given how conscious she is becoming about getting older she might even be in a MLC.
Anyway, I'm going to have a great few days with the kids. I'm going to take them to buy their first games console.
W arrived to drop off the kids. I politely said Happy Birthday but no card or present. One of the kids was a bit upset saying goodbye as it was W birthday and W has said she had nothing planned that evening so made them feel guilty about coming to me. W told them to get back into the car and that she would take them back with her for the night. W drove off with the kids so breaking the court order (again). She brought the kids back the next day. Kids are now with me and I plan to make the most of what time I have with them.
W arrived to drop off the kids. I politely said Happy Birthday but no card or present. One of the kids was a bit upset saying goodbye as it was W birthday and W has said she had nothing planned that evening so made them feel guilty about coming to me. W told them to get back into the car and that she would take them back with her for the night. W drove off with the kids so breaking the court order (again). She brought the kids back the next day. Kids are now with me and I plan to make the most of what time I have with them.
So what are you doing now? What does your lawyer say?? I will frankly be surprised if she even shows up to the next drop off....what incentive is there when the precendet is that you just politely wait until she comes back.
I get not starting a scene in front of the kids. I also get not sending the police to her house to escort them back. But what kind of discussion are you having with her? How is she being shown that this type of behavior is not acceptable??
In the UK, the police don't get involved to escort them back; it is regarded as a civil matter. However, whilst taking the kids W said to them "shall mummy call the police?" which upset the kids. My L is dealing with it. I remain extremely calm at all times as W is twisting and lying about anything at all to use against me for the next custody case. I have asked W to meet to talk about how we can make things easier for the kids but she has refused. WAW/WW has become a law unto herself. I have to allow the legal system to deal with it. I worry about that because W is telling them lies. I've been a stay at home Dad and still live in the family home and so her best chance to get custody is to lie and try to get me into trouble. She has tried several times so far and failed.
and I would say, "Happy birthday" with a smile on my face. Dont ask her what she has planned. Simple.