I have made so much progress in these last 81 days. So much accomplished. So much healing. So much addressing my root issues and attacking and resolving them.
But as numerous folks here have echoed repeatedly that what LBS have gone and are going through is very traumatic. GAL and Detaching help with the healing process, but it's not a magic pill that makes the hurt go away.
I keep thinking that I'm past the pain and trauma. Then something triggers it and spirals me back down.It does not take me back to square one. Far from it. It just brings back the sadness, depression, and hopelessness that resulted from it. This is day 5 of feeling this way and I keep hoping and praying that the pain ends soon and this story ends with a happy ending.
I am thankful for so many things that I have been able to accomplish and acquire in this process. I am becoming a better man. A man who is great, getting every more confident, getting more attractive, and getting to a happier place. But holy cow, I'd be lying if I said it was not without the worst emotional pain imaginable. And the crazy thing is, my sitch is not as bad as others (See ovrrnbw, Gordie, kech, and burned sitchs...that's worse!).
I am just experiencing things that I guess many folks go through in relationships...cheating, break-ups, neediness, all that jazz. I just hate that I'm experiencing all of that so late in my life.
I think I'm pursing again. W told me she had a phone conference last night. When I came home she was dressed in a very leggy dress. Walked her to her car and talked for a few minutes. As I left I thought, "Why is she dressed like that? What is she doing that evening?" And then I remembered that I was not supposed to care. Water off a duck, right Steve?
W came back next morning to let me go to work, she told me that she does not know if she will be at the house Sunday (wanted to use the opportunity to connect more) when I asked her. Felt like the air was taken out of my sails.
I'm going backwards. Even GAL I'm thinking about her. Detaching has not taken hold.
I'm disappointed in myself. I keep thinking that things were turning around for her and I. And I keep getting hit with setbacks.
It stinks pain, I know the feeling very well. I remember the beginning, it hurt so bad when she didn't come home for weekends. I knew where she was, but I had to fight through it, I had to get out of the house and stay busy. Minutes at a time, hours at a time, days at a time I got better at concentrating on me and what I was doing.
I looked at it like a rubber band and I slowly kept stretching away from her, and yeah I would pull back, but the further I stretched out that rubber band each time, the less I would pull back as I tested the elasticity. My brain and heart learned that I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I can do this without her, I am a man and started acting like it.
All is not lost, kick yourself in the ars and get busy living.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
It’s a mind f*ck that I feel I’m bringing upon myself. I mean I know not to pursue but I also know that I need to take some cautious chances. Even DR stalks about making small steps. Maybe I’m just getting impatient again?
Absolutely, it is impatience, your small steps should be you shaking the anxiety so you can concentrate on your growth, not small steps towards R. I was there too! Then when the opportunity does come and she gives you a little test you will be prepared, not to go all in and look like a desperate fool but to be able to calmly assess exactly what is being presented so you don't fall for the trap. Or if it is a sincere gesture that you can accept it for what it is and build on her efforts.
I was there where first sign of her moving towards me I pursued right away and it pushed her away. She too has to relearn why she was attracted to you.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I feel that she’s been 90% sincere. She is moving rightfully slow. Very slow. And the desperation is oozing out of me. I’m desperate to move back in. I’m desperate to be a family again. I’m desperate of not having to sleep on stranger’s couches and shower in gym showers.
You have to challenge your beliefs during this process. OMG I can relate to everything you are saying.
The crazy part, is you have all the power to change all these feelings, when ever you want. Your brain is a powerful crazy animal that does crazy things to you. It is lying to you. Tricking you. Stopping you.
It’s been hard this week. And the funny thing there is nothing negative happened between us two. Heck she is even entertaining the idea of meeting me outside of work and hang out for 15 or so minutes during her workday. I should be happy. But I also see the part where I am making a mountain out of a molehill and trying to rush things again.
What I really need is a way to find out ways to ease my needs of getting physical/intimate contact. It’s more than sex that I want.
Also, it would have been 10 years in four days that W and I spent a few days that basically cemented our love for each other. The 10 year mark was supposed to have been something special.
Now it’s a lot of other successes followed by one big question mark. We’ve been physically separated for 4 months now. R ended 10 months ago. And I’ve been DBing for almost three. I know others have gone through longer stretches and I need to let the process do it’s job.
