Shake hands, we shall never be friends . . .

[Gordie]

One art

Wow

You are an amazing woman

So strong and compassionate and loving

To be able to conduct yourself the way you do

Face to face with crazy

To authentically love

To authentically listen

To authentically speak

To authentically wish him well

Thank you for your inspiration to us all

My only advice is you and your L will likely have to force this to completion

He just does not seem capable

My w also did not speak to her L

Merry Christmas

[OneArt]

Thank you for your lovely comments. Surprisingly, he got back to me very quickly. He made a sort of proposal that wasn't too far off the one that has been on the table all of this time. Despite having previously told me that he was off, when I gave him a chance to come over and make the changes together so that we could reach agreement on all terms and get sign-off by year end, he claimed to be too busy to do it. I told him that by doing it then he could save significantly on his taxes moving forward, and rather than biting, he disappeared once again. It was probably too much for him and felt like it was moving too fast, even though it took more than two years to get there. I heard nothing further from him.

I had to contact him today because of an unexpected purchase that I have to make and doing so without his consent would violate our financial restraining order. He actually responded to me relatively quickly and was very pleasant and agreeable. Of course no mention of resolving the divorce.

I guess that is the beauty of having no expectations. I'm not taking this stuff personally anymore. I'm just happy to be having a lovely holiday with my kids. I hope all of you are finding those moments to remember in what can sometimes be a difficult time of year. I feel like the kid in the room full of manure, there has to be a pony in there somewhere, and I think 2019 will be my time to find it.

[OneArt]

We have three mandatory dates in our divorce, everything else is discretionary. I believe he missed the first one a few days ago (I have not heard from my lawyer regarding the filing and she generally forwards everything the moment she receives it, it required our participation in order to prepare it, and the docket does not show the document was filed). This is an important deadline, although the filing is somewhat basic. The rules are very clear how it has to be filled out. My lawyer previously said the parties always cooperate in getting it timely filed because the consequences for missing it are onerous for both clients and their attorneys. This suggests to me that he has stopped cooperating with his attorney.

He has also pulled back in his communication with the children. He did not even wish them a happy new year. Although much more sporadic, it seems less forced and he is now contacting them individually (one by text and the other by email) instead of the meaningless daily group text. He is also being more paternal (did you arrive safely, how is your activity going, when will you be back home, thank you for the thank you card, etc.).

He has not contacted me since we met at his request. Other than his ready agreement to my making a significant purchase, I have not heard from him. He has not done two things to separate our accounts that he told me he would take care of when we met.

Still in limbo. No end in sight. But I don't have the same ominous feeling I had for the last many months (pretty much since he filed and started doing all of his creepy baiting). I feel as though maybe he has reached some plateau where he intends to hang out for a while. All speculation on my part, but the tension feels as though it is gone--for now.

He is going to have to do something in the divorce soon. If he does not agree to something or dismiss in the next couple of weeks then we have to show up at a special hearing before the judge and explain why the filing got missed. If he fails to show then, the court will fine him and dismiss the case.

[DnJ]

Good Morning OneArt

Lovely to hear from you. I alway enjoy your updates and insights. You have things well in hand, and I am not talking about the legal stuff; which btw you’ve got mastered. You are in limbo and sound at peace, not resigned to this. No ominous feelings and a lack of tension, that is great.

H’s communication is evolving again. It is interesting being more directed and not so group orientated, and less in number. I wonder where it is all headed, maybe quality instead of quantity. I suppose time will tell.

I also wonder what will happen within the next few weeks. Those days for court documents are mandatory. The follow up explaination meeting with a judge and fines or penalties sound like enough incentive for him to keep things moving along, but here you are.

Zero expectation girl. You’ll probably remain within limbo’s grasp for a while - hug it right back. It’s where you are at the moment, enjoy it, enjoy life.

I know you got this.

DnJ

[job]

I have this feeling he's not going to do what is mandated to be done. He's going to let it run its course and have it thrown out.

I'm sorry, but I don't think this man wants a divorce at the moment. Yes, he complains, etc., but he's definitely not showing much in the way of initiative to get anything done.

Try to enjoy your life as much as possible because it looks like limbo will still be around for a while.

[OneArt]

Job:

I fear that you are right. He has not contacted me to further discuss wrapping things up and we are marching toward the court hearing that he necessitated by missing his filing. I haven't heard from him and I have not heard from his lawyer. (nor have I heard from my own) I've been watching the docket, and nothing has been filed. I can't imagine him showing up to face the judge when he couldn't give his lawyer an instruction to fill out a simple form. My guess is that he will eat the fine and hope that the court dismisses the case.

He has stopped contacting the children. Not sure what is going on. I don't have any reason to believe there is anything wrong with him. Were there, I imagine someone would tell me. I track the number of days he contacts the kids. The numbers for November and December were way, way down. But he and I had significantly more interaction than in the 1.5 years prior to that. Not sure why communicating with me stops him from communicating with them, but I have observed this throughout the process. I haven't seen any indicia of him doing anything bizarre, although we have not received our new insurance cards, which he must have received. I guess when we need to see a doctor or fill an Rx or something I will contact him.

I think the one question I have is whether he is questioning his choice, or whether his depression is simply so profound that he can't make any decision or get anything done. I know that I will probably never have the answer to this. While it doesn't keep me up at night, it is something I wonder about from time to time.

[OneArt]

DnJ:

I hope you don't mind that I answer here about your limbo post. I don't want to detract from what you wrote there with my own take on it.

I do think that limbo is a choice. While I have felt cornered at times in this process, I have always known that I have ways out, emergency buttons I could push to make it end. Yet, I have made excuses not to push them. I do realize they are excuses. They are founded in truth and there is concern there. But ultimately they are excuses. Had I really and truly wanted to be out of this situation, I could have gotten myself out.

So why have I not?

I think my need to be free of the situation is less than my fear for how pushing it through would affect him. I think in some way, I am still trying to fix him or soften his blow. I would look him in the eye and ask him what he wants and what he wants me to do and then I would do it for him, but I don't believe that he is capable of answering that question truthfully. And, unlike many, I am financially better off in this limbo than I will be after the resolution. To push it through now would limit what I could do for my kids. I'd rather he spent the money on the kids than the OW or his addictions.

As you know, I'm not religious. But my limited understanding of that kind of limbo is that it refers to babies who die before they are brought into the church. My limbo is of course the other kind, the waiting kind. For me, it is waiting for him to make a decision and stick to it. When I still cared what the outcome would be, when I still hoped in some small way he would come back, that limbo was torture. Once I realized that he doesn't have anything to offer me (other than financially), the limbo became nothing. It was almost like someone cut off the weights that were bearing down on me.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Other than this divorce going through, I don't feel like I'm waiting to do anything else. Now when I want to do something, I do it. I don't think for a moment what he would care about it. I find the lawsuit a nuisance. I don't like deadlines being missed. I don't like having to pay lawyers, etc. So for those reasons I am fine if the case gets dismissed. I do think ultimately he and I will reach an agreement between us. One that we can both live with. I think he just needs more time to overcome his fears.

Maybe I also need more time. I was arrogant. I really thought I had married for life and that we would work it out and get through it. I thought I had done the right things and invested the right amount of time, effort and energy. I am really not used to this kind of epic failure, but I am getting there. It is not a societal thing. It is a me thing. I'm unpacking my pride one plume at a time. I'm also figuring out who I am and who I would have been without him. It is a slow journey for me. People like you arrive there much quicker.

[peacetoday]

One,


You have a deep inward view of your truths

also I love that you take a stand to make the choices for your life and you see that


And yes staying where you are does not mean there is no inward movement
We all have our reasons for our choices and that is good enough

I am doing this mediation for 15-30 minutes daily and then journeling especially on topics of indecision
I choose to follow a divine direction, if I can connect to it
this way I feel I will be lead correctly, but there are no mistakes but it makes me feel secure in my choices

Change is slow for us but even though many take different roads externally the inward movement is the same
a slow steady process

of trusting ourselves knowing we navigate our lives and everything we do is our decisions not the decisions of others

[bttrfly]

well said Peace.

One, my wish for you in this new year is that you see how far you've come in such a short time and you realize how truly amazing you are xoxoxo

[job]

I totally agree w/Peace and bttrfly. You have done an amazing job of keeping things together and moving forward. Keep up the good work and the advice that you provide to others is spot on. Thank you!