If I have a high interest, I am waiting for that guy to reach out. I won't reach out. I expect him to lead to guage his interest in me. I usually don't want to wreck it with not letting the guy be the alpha male.
That's just me, and I guess I am not your ordinary woman. But you do what works for you.
But your woman is clearly giving you signals for your next step. And it's not to sit back.
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest.
A couple things regarding the post above.
Again, we are talking about one date per week and one or two how is your day texts. So we are talking two or three days of silence early on. If you lose interest that quick, you weren't too interested in the first place. At this stage we all work full-time, have kids, workout, have our hobbies and give unsolicited advice on message boards lol. Probably most people wouldn't even realize it's been three days without hearing from someone.
Lastly, like J said there is no reason she can't reach out to him.
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest.
A couple things regarding the post above.
Again, we are talking about one date per week and one or two how is your day texts. So we are talking two or three days of silence early on. If you lose interest that quick, you weren't too interested in the first place. At this stage we all work full-time, have kids, workout, have our hobbies and give unsolicited advice on message boards lol. Probably most people wouldn't even realize it's been three days without hearing from someone.
Lastly, like J said there is no reason she can't reach out to him.
2-3 days is good. Wait a week after a first date which went well? Well, that tells me you aren't interested. And I have an overly full life. Not enough time in the day
She can reach out to him. I have a feeling she will, once he takes on the alpha male role.
It's a truth. I have also been told by men too. They like to pursue in the beginning. A woman who pursues is a turn-off. It doesn't make it right or wrong. Now, if he pursues and she unresponsive, well, that shows no interest. But that is not the case.
I agree, J should do what makes him comfortable. But it seems like he is following these rules written by some guy who calls himself a dating coach and it isn't natural to him. If you really are too busy to be reaching out until Friday, then don't. If you don't want to because you aren't interested, don't. But not because some dating coach says so. And not because some random woman on this board is giving unsolicited advice.
The good thing about this board is that the unsolicited advice you are getting is from women, in a similar position as you.
I don't want to overstep my bounds. I want you to do whatever makes you comfortable and is true to YOU.
I know it is my responsibility to move the relationship along with making dates and also escalating things physically as well. I am just trying to read the signs she is giving off since the courtship started on the online app about a month ago. It just appears to me that taking it slow with her is the appropriate strategy as it took us about 3 weeks from our initial conversation to meet and our texting conversations back and forth have been extremely limited. I was dark for 9 days and she agreed to a date, I made the date on Wed and she showed on Sat night without me confirming on Sat as well. All of this with only 2 texting conversations in a two week period, 1 hour long convo to get to know each other and then 9 days later another from me to set the date. That was it so I am not compelled to just start blowing up her phone after 1 date with all of these unnecessary texts which are essentially temperature checks on my part to make sure she hasn't lost interest. With that said if she reached out to me today I would ask her availability and make a date. If she doesn't then she will wait until I initiate conversation again.
Again I refer back to this board that we are on and the strategies we deployed, some of it was unnatural and counter-intuitive but we were told to follow the process blindly from random people and this is your best shot to get your spouse back and if you don't you will still win in the end. Go dark, no contact, be the lighthouse, validate, don't be available, don't respond to text messages that don't require a response, remove your spouse from the bedroom if they are cheating, etc. etc. etc. There is a strategy for everything, why should there not be a strategy for dating????
I do agree that some of his actions, thoughts are way over analyzed and come off as unnatural.
You have to remember that we are all new to this and haven't been doing this kind of stuff for 20-30 years. Heck, last time I was dating there wasn't even the internet lol!
Totally agree with Ginger on this one. But I also agree, J9, that you should do what makes you comfortable, so feel free to throw my unsolicited advice right out the window. If you think it is the right move to wait, then wait. If you feel like it is right to move forward, move forward. But, I still concur with G that these so-called dating coaches are full of crap and they are just muddying the waters. My point all along has been that there is no need to over-think, but you should just do what feels right in the moment, not what feels right because that is what some arbitrary dating coach SAYS is right.
What it boils down to in my mind is that we are all our own individual people. My thoughts lean more toward the likes of Ginger's and maybe that is because we are both women, I don't know. What I do know is if I had a great date with someone then they didn't text me within a few days, I would think they were no longer interested and I would respond accordingly. (And, I don't mean actually respond, so much as I guess I mean act accordingly, but that is a matter of semantics.)
You said something in one of your posts, J9, about how maybe she's playing a game in not responding. I think you are right that she CAN respond to you, but from my perspective (solely based on things you have posted, as I'm obviously not involved in the situation), she's waiting for you to take the lead. I don't see that as game playing, but maybe you do and that, again, is about perspective so obviously, you have to act accordingly because YOU are the one dealing with/living the situation, right? Doesn't matter one iota what I think or what anyone else thinks, for that matter.
In short, I'll say what I say to people all the time....you do you, J9. I'm enjoying reading because this all has been so extremely enlightening to me. I think the woman is interested and clearly signaling that, but you do you, man. And have fun!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks everyone...I am an over analyzer by nature And yes, the Internet didn't even exist the last time I was dating as well. If it was me I would contact her every day with something but I think we all agree that is not the right thing to do so it appears the debate is how long do you wait to contact etc. in between dates or just in general. Everyone probably has a different opinion on it and the person on the other end has a philosophy on it as well (the girl I am talking to). I think it would just be easier if I asked her and determined her expectations
I did reach out to her Saturday night after our date to make sure she got home ok (that should show my interest). I also sent her a text yesterday and we sent about 3 messages back and forth (again that should show my interest). The next time I reach out will be to make a date for next week some time which I will do either on Thur or Fri. which will be roughly 2 to 3 days of NC unless she reaches out to me during that time. If she does, I will make a date.
I agree waiting until Sunday was too long but I do believe that I have showed her interest.
So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
See, I find this VERY interesting. I NEVER in my whole experience of OLD had more than one or 2 men reach out to me at a time and that was a lot, to be honest. So, I'm not sure what I was doing wrong that I wasn't getting some huge waiting list, other than being fat, which is what it is. Of course, living in Podunk, Arkansas, is not necessarily conducive to large numbers of men to choose from either, but I'm close enough to Little Rock to make dating there possible and still no luck, so I find that women automatically had a huge herd flock to them absolutely fascinating. Totally not my experience at all, which absolutely shapes my perception of OLD and as we all know "perception is reality" so that is MY reality.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
I guess I'm old fashioned or possibly just weird, but I don't see why it is a bad thing to use the phone to get to know someone a bit first. But, then again, I'm not a typical woman. I would never want to string someone along for months, not meeting them, but I also don't want to meet up with someone in the first days that I talk with them. I think one thing that I have always agreed with you about is that I think you know pretty quickly if there is a spark there or not. I may find different things that "spark" for me than you do, as I tend to lean toward senses of humor, where you have mentioned a certain look (which is totally fine because we all have different things that catch our attention), but I agree there is either a quick spark or there isn't. For me, because my spark is based more on an attitude (for lack of a better word), it is easier to pick up on over the phone. I'm not saying that is right for everyone. I'm just saying that is how it works FOR ME.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I know some will disagree with all of this and that's fine but just remember our DBing principals or strategies we deployed as the LBS. IMO there is no difference, everyone has a different philosophy or strategy that they use and those strategies/this board from MWD brought us all together (we could have chose to go follow someone else if we wanted). To a certain extent everyone plays a game. This woman for whatever reason is not initiating contact with me but it is obvious she is interested. Maybe she is playing a game????
Let me say this about DB. While I have learned some great things on this site and I absolutely cherish all the comments and advice that I receive and I do "listen" to what is said to me either directly or indirectly, DBing did not ultimately work for me. I'm not saying it is a bad thing nor am I saying it can't work for many others. I'm just saying, in my case, it did not work at all, because we went from BD to D FAST once my XH had his mind made up and his mind was made up, I found out later, because he was already sleeping with wife #3. I didn't have time to DB. Now, have I since learned things that I can use moving forward in new relationships? ABSOLUTELY! And, would I steer people to these DB principles who are going through a D? ABSOLUTELY! What I appreciate about this site more than anything is the valuable interactions with others who may or may not have experienced similar things but who can still all share information about dating and seeking relationships in new ways after years of marriage. I know I can always learn new things and that is a good feeling. I don't know that I necessarily agree with your thought process on everyone plays a game to a certain extent. Maybe I do and don't realize it, but I detest games. I think I'm pretty black and white and if you like me, fine, tell me and if you don't, fine, tell me. In my opinion, this woman is clearly giving you signals that she is interested, but she is taking a more submissive role in allowing you to make the moves. I don't see that as a game so much as kind of a normal female reaction, particularly if she's a true Southern woman. Southern woman tend to be strong and have an independent streak, but we also tend to be those women who go the Southern Belle route and let our men be MEN. And now that I typed all that out and I think about it, maybe that is a game.........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Thanks for always making me think, J9. I sincerely appreciate your opposing viewpoint as it gives me other ways to look at things.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
