Any advice for tomorrow morning Meeting with W at family therapy...
Nervous can't sleep...
W today at drop off looked bad.
D10 and s9 said hi and bye, s10 didn't want to Leave he cried.
W tap on window M yes W how d10 feeling, M good ask her. W stares ok see you tomorrow M ok drove off
S9 mom is drunk M what S9 she a drunk M pulled over why you say that s9 S9 didn't you see she has makeup all over And I know what beer smells like M ok I understand that but that's your mom S9 fine M no s9 we need to talk about this. S9 ok but that's my feeling M yes but I don't care if W a drunk or drugs You must respect her ok s9 and d10
Yes mom
Omg.. I wanted to die, yes I smell it W looked like she Party for 2days, looked bad. I got home We talk more I explained that I won't allow them To speak this way I am raising kings and queen I ask why s9 cries mom loves beer more than us.
I held s9 said sorry hun, what can we do for W D10 pray for mom, s9 stay away not make mom angry
Wow our kids are seeing W behavior and is affecting All of us. This breaks my heart and soul...
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Advice for tomorrow ‘s meeting. It’s just you, W, and therapist (I think).
Be strong, stronger than your emotions, do not let them take you over, talk about your feelings, but stay in control. Be honest and sincere. Follow therapist’s lead. At some point I would think W is going to go on a tanget and become emotionally highjacked, let her. Don’t argue, her point of view is just as valid as your’s, and to her is the only valid one. She doesn’t have the benefit of clearheaded thinking right now, like you do.
These types of meetings are difficult you do not know what to prepare for. Best way to handle that, be yourself, and be honest. I am not sure how well you think on your feet, so a little tip, try to respond rather than react.
Best of luck tomorrow.
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Your latest drop off retelling.
I am pretty sure it is not a verbatim account of your conversation. So my comments are more assurance than admonishment based.
S9 telling you W is drunk, she is a drunk. Do not shut him down to fast.
Your kids are sharing their feelings with you, they trust you enough to share and explore them - with you. That is a precious thing, treat it as such.
No topics are off limits. Kids are thinking about things, and they will think about things with or without you, will come to conclusions with or without you, which way would be better for them?
Explore their feelings, not your’s, when talking to them. They can see Mom’s makeup and smell beer. Validate and discuss to their agenda. Let them tell you their fears, hopes, thoughts, whatever, and you assure them and comfort them. You can even steer them in a compassionate direction, but do not deny what is happening or their feelings.
Respect is, like most of this, another difficult item to figure out. Respect is earned. However, children should respect their parents. Not easily reconciled.
The method or way I handled this. Your Mom loves you, it is just buried deep inside her right now, so deep most of the time she can’t feel it or see it, but it is there. She is having some problems - and you can explain as much as you need too to explain her actions (when my W flaunted her adultery explainations that were needed were more than I wanted to do, my kids are older and have much more pointed questions).
With all that, you can let your kids know that she is their mom and they should try to be respectful even when she isn’t deserving of it, or espically when she is not deserving of it - that shows more of who they are, and will be, then who she is. Understand who she is and treat her with compassion.
That road is hard and the pay off is great. That is my advice. It has worked for me and mine.
I am willing to discuss anything further if you wish.
As I said, I think you are doing good and this is probably more assurance towards your efforts.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Please validate the kids and make sure they are safe with W
I was in such denial for a time that my recovering XH of 20 plus years went out during MLC until my kids said dad almost fell asleep at the wheel and they had to wake him up
an active alcoholic parent can be a nightmare for a child-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Good luck! Stay calm and keep your voice on an even keel. It's difficult to attend these meetings, but you need to try to remember that this is a business deal at the moment. Try to leave the emotions at the door. Once the meeting is over, you can get as emotional as you need to.
As for your children, DnJ is correct...allow the kids to express themselves to you. They need to know that you are a "safe" place to talk. They see and hear things and need to be reassured that both of you love them no matter what.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you go into this meeting. Stay strong and positive! We are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
;( ;( Tears to all of you, I honestly don't know Where I would be this forum have been my family As I stated I raised myself, I removed myself From toxic family at 17, I been on my own Also never been social so not many friends.
So from the bottom of my heart Thank you I take every advice giving to me. As I am learning Everyday. I must say things happen for a reason And being here is one of them.
DnJ yes is hard trying to keep my emotions in control and kids
As I stated I raised my own, toxic mom toxic family Sexually abused myself But this has been my hardest Battle I have in Life, is hard hearing s9 say that. Last night I tuck s9 and d10 and we talk about their feelings And it's ok to feel sad and angry there feelings matter to Me I just held them s9 said I feel better after telling you mommy it made Me sad seeing mom like that. I also said yeah Me too.
D10 cried and cried one of those screetching cry It was so heavy in my heart to hear her cry while I held her. I just held her for a good 20min again my heart aches so bad. D10 fell asleep in my arms.
Neffer, Peacetoday,Oneday and job and everyone who been With me in my journey.
Well today therapy, the only way I can describe it is
Did anyone see Trump and kanye West meeting
Yelp basically that way. W was everywhere
The family therapist had to remind W Couple times why we where there To learn to communicate for kids.
In process W was all about herself W me me me me I lost weight I weight 131 I am this and that.
W look at her phone 2 or 3 times. While therapist talking,
W blamed me for kids behavior why they don't respect her, W said I don't even know if she is dating I left because I feared for my life......
Yes you read this right. W said she left US because she feared for her Life. I of course took a deep breath and acknowledg and said I am sorry you felt That can you give me some examples but remember we are here for our kids
W was moving back and fourth and writing everything down. Literally made therapist repeat herself telling her I need write things down.
I was in all. I made my point across how can I co parent when W has s10 How do I co parent when W constantly feels attack or W feels I am telling her what to do.
I gave therapist some examples
One was I call Trios when they with her I ask Trios ho guys what ya Trios doing.
To W I am trying to find out what she doing. Therapist ask how would you like Marina to ask kids. W silence.
It was only 1 hour session and we going back. We didn't get nowhere.
And that was an example I can't say nothing Without W being paranoid. And I walking in eggshells
W made many comments
W I didn't expect to be a mom Marina Wanted kids, I would say she didn't give up In adopting our kids. But now that I am a mom I am embracing it I want to be part of their life
M quiet. I was quite most of the time. I let W speak
Wow I was so in shock when W said that but I finally heard it W didn't want to be a mom when we met W was active Marines. Loved to go to bar and travel W wanted to live that party life.
As I stated I always been more quieter, I rather be at home watching Netflix And cuddle with W and then when kids came along I just wanted us 5
I realized I made W settle. I now know what I always knew. W didn't want kids but I did and still want to adopt more once life gets better.
So I am now wondering if W MLC or WAW started after d10,s9 they Where unexpected adoption but I have no regrets. Here is the timeline.
2007 met W 2009 foster s10 was 4 months old temporary but I fought for him his parents Where to young and still failing court order drug test 2012 officially adopted s10 2013 s9 and d10 came d10 was 3yrs old s9 was 2 yrs old 2014 I think I had a MLC I had an emotional affair, I did have a MLC but never left 2015 my first grandmal seizure almost died in como 2 days 2016 diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis after many testing 2016 got hurt bad at work and W was going to school while I was holding house hold and any income. 2016 through 2017 many surgeries, many physical therapy also Moved from our home to bigger home 2017 W shifted more, started new job in her field, Going out way more Constantly on work phone. 2017 W throws me a birthday party announcement she so in love with me W let's adopt another baby around March 2017. And April BD on 2017
And now am here.
So honestly our life has always been chaos but when things started getting better W shifted.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
It sounds like your handling things well. DnJ gave you great advice and You’re doing a good job if your kids are leaning on you, keep it up.
So much of what you write is familiar. At one point, ex criticized everything I said and tried to tell me what to talk about/say to the kids while we talked on the phone too. I also know she was recording everything. I know how ridiculous it is to have to deal with this. Do your best to act as you normally would and, in my case at least, she will give up on this after awhile.
I think you did a great job listening to her and wanted to remind you not to believe all they say. I heard a lot of those things but I also heard the contrary before the mlc. When your w said she left because she feared for her life, I take that as mlc depression language for she felt like she was dying and ran.
Take care of yourself and the trio. It’s really hard that deal with irrational anger like this and you’re doing a good job!
And yes it sadden me to hear W say I fear for my life But it makes sense what you just said. Also W was getting angry w grip me up before bd so I wonder when w said I feared for my was more I feared I could have hurt you and kids
I will just stop trying to monkey brain because I Realized that get me sad. So in therapy nothing much got Resolved as W was on her phone couple of time. And not focusing.
Is hard for me ro believe we live in a state that they don't consider that kidnapping W taking s10 fron home separating them and nothing was do e to w. Basically Police just said we recommend you give s10 back but W has refused everyone advice
Even the GAL. I am going to family therapy to show the court and for myself That I gave it all in. I tried. And I know the kids will see it how mommy tried
My goal is to bring s10 home soon. And just start our bonding healing.
After reading a couple pages in brain book, there was a part that says. Our brain is the strongest muscle in ourbody but when that muscle gets Damage or cracks we can't fix it. People need to know you could fix any other Bone but not the brain. Once is crack is crack. Is like cracking an egg and trying to Put that egg back in the shells and fix the shell. You simply crack the egg is damaged.
Wow when I read that it hit me hard. W will forever have a crack. W could again Check out because her brain is damaged. Someone so smart and amazing is gone.
And alchohol took over her life. Is sad that w will miss out on so many Amazing times with Trios.
But I know W is gone. W would never be the same.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Thank you, yes I have a good feeling s10 coming home very soon.
I also know God has been my rock. I have hit rock bottom and God gives me signs I am here. Not to far I am here keep holding on until I am Done.
Many LBS in the beginning say bd is the worse day ever as I felt that way But I also now can see and say God knows why he had to do that.
After having a seizure and almost dying I woke up had a spiritual awakening Life was different for me I started living and being more compassionate.
I admit I changed alot but for good. It was a good change W was not ready for change or like many have said maybe W was always this way I just never seen it.
I am giving my life to God is his story not mine.
Neffer thank you, yes being the lighthouse for my kids. I was in one point W lighthouse but it was draining me. I felt like I was drowning. But now I am here for my kids. All about them day and night.
Thank you again everyone for everyone who is keeping Us in ya prayers. God knows I need all prayers
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
