Textbook WAW

[RyanHun]

Was having a rough day yesterday and want to express appreciation for everyone's feedback. I feel amazing today and think I have finally sort of figured some of this stuff out. I could be wrong but I think I have made a great step forward and that;s basically that I don't care anymore. Before you read too far into that let me clarify. It is not that I don't care about my family, it is not that I don't care about my wife and it is not that I don't want my relationship to work. I came to the realization that I am better then this. I have made mistakes in my marriage, I have not been the best husband that I could be. But you know what, who has? I am human and I make mistakes and I learn from them. Last night I went out and met some amazing people/friends. It was a two fold night that included GAL and ended up including a lot of self help and something just clicked. I still have a ways to go in the area of self help but I am starting to love myself again. I realized that I am not so bad. I realized that I am a great person, great father and have a ton to offer. Most importantly I realized that I deserve better and I deserve to be loved to. I realized that I am not wrong to want the kind of intimate, connected, passionate relationship that I want. Most importantly I realized that right now that isn't possible with my W. I have a clear vision of who I want to be and what I want and ultimately if W can't see that and wants to walk away from that then she has to live with that decision. One day she will realize what she is missing out on. I hope when that day comes it isn't to late but I am moving forward and I am going to be fine no matter what happens.

Moving forward with DB'g:
I am simply going to be my happy friendly self. I am slowly getting my confidence back and I am going to continue working on myself for myself. I am not going to let the outcome of my marriage affect me in any way. I am going to be friendly and kind because that's the kind of person I am and regardless of what comes my way I'm going to stick to that. For too long I have let others around me impact my feelings and mood and finally recognize that what others do or feel around me or towards me has nothing to do with me and shouldn't really impact me in any way. I want to make some improvements to myself but accept myself for who I am, am proud of who I am and am truly letting go of other peoples attitudes and negativity, friends, family and the W. I am me, accept me for who I am or head the other direction.

[GFT00]

AnotherStander,
I appreciate the feedback. Most of what you touched on is more detailed about what actually happened. Working on journalling and accurately getting my thoughts and details down on paper is something i need to work on. Specifically on the gym thing, It was clearly discussed that we would put the kids to bed together at 8 and she showed up at 9:45 and that was what I expressed being upset about to her. I could care less about not making the gym, as you stated I went for a jog and felt great. I also failed to mention in my original post that I expressed clearly why I was upset to her and it was all about the time part and not anything to do with the not going to the gym.

On the not answering calls part: Again I'm lacking detail in my explanation and I think that is causing confusion. My intention is not being so available and this is one of my 180's. I am not shutting down and am still speaking to her when spoken to and being friendly and cheerful. Previously I would answer the phone by the second ring. Text messages were replied to in minutes. I am not ignoring her calls or messages just DE-prioritizing them.

Sorry for any of the confusion and again thanks for the feedback. I have a very long road a head of me and much to learn.

I am in a similar situation with my WAW and I can't help but to feel like you. Like I am being taken advantage of my DB coach told me that if you're doing something out of self respect instead of doing it to spite someone.
For example, "Hey I don't feel that it's fair that I always have to watch the kids or that you don't show up on agreed times" versus "You're so inconsiderate all you think about is yourself" "For now on I'm going to purposely be late to give you a taste of your medicine"

[RyanHun]

Had a great weekend detaching, GAL’ing and self mprovement. Man does it feel good to do something for myself. Spent 4 hours Saturday night at the mall shopping. Bought some new outfits, something I have’t done in 8 years. Got some new shoes and today went and got a haircut. I was scared to death but I put my fears to the side and took a leap of faith with a totally different style haircut. I must say I look and feel like a million bucks. I haven’t felt this good and had this much confidence in as long as I can remember. Really working hard on my “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, focused on my physical and mental health and am generally just focused on working on myself and it is paying off big time for me. I am at times a bit sad realizing everything about me that is not so great but at the same time I feel really good because I now recognize all these things am am making huge changes in my life.

[bhappy2]

Very nice update, you are on the right track. Slow and steady. I have read your sitch, keep up the hard work.

[AnotherStander]

I feel amazing today and think I have finally sort of figured some of this stuff out. I could be wrong but I think I have made a great step forward and that;s basically that I don't care anymore.

Slooooooow down! You've been told this is a marathon and here's the deal- that's exactly what it is. You're about 2 weeks in which means you've taken about 1 step in that marathon. You've barely stepped over the STARTING line! I promise you this- you still care and to say that you don't just means you're in denial. Everyone here goes through that denial phase early on, but that is not healthy because what it means is you're taking all those emotions and feelings and burying them behind a wall of denial. Guess what happens though, they keep piling up on the other side of that wall until the wall collapses right on top of you! The ONLY way is THROUGH. You've got to feel the hurt and pain and suffering to recover. After you read DR, read The Happiness Trap. It was very helpful to me in understanding my feelings better and how to deal with them.

Before you read too far into that let me clarify. It is not that I don't care about my family, it is not that I don't care about my wife and it is not that I don't want my relationship to work. I came to the realization that I am better then this. I have made mistakes in my marriage, I have not been the best husband that I could be. But you know what, who has? I am human and I make mistakes and I learn from them. Last night I went out and met some amazing people/friends. It was a two fold night that included GAL and ended up including a lot of self help and something just clicked. I still have a ways to go in the area of self help but I am starting to love myself again. I realized that I am not so bad. I realized that I am a great person, great father and have a ton to offer. Most importantly I realized that I deserve better and I deserve to be loved to. I realized that I am not wrong to want the kind of intimate, connected, passionate relationship that I want. Most importantly I realized that right now that isn't possible with my W. I have a clear vision of who I want to be and what I want and ultimately if W can't see that and wants to walk away from that then she has to live with that decision. One day she will realize what she is missing out on. I hope when that day comes it isn't to late but I am moving forward and I am going to be fine no matter what happens.

All that is great but I will just say again, you are trying to rush the recovery process. Recovery takes a long time, it is a slow and difficult process. Don't expect that you can just throw a switch and you're there. Would be awesome if it was that easy!

I am simply going to be my happy friendly self. I am slowly getting my confidence back and I am going to continue working on myself for myself.

Great.

I am not going to let the outcome of my marriage affect me in any way.

It can and should affect you in very deep and meaningful ways. Regardless of the outcome this should be a learning experience for you and be a trigger to do some deep self-reflection and rebuilding.

I am going to be friendly and kind because that's the kind of person I am and regardless of what comes my way I'm going to stick to that.

I think I suggested "No More Mister Nice Guy" earlier, do put it on your reading list. What you describe here is the NG mindset, which isn't a healthy one. We all experience a wide range of emotions every day and it serves no one to bury them behind a "nice and friendly" facade. A lot of NMMNG is working on being more "real" with people and just being yourself instead of who you think you should be or who you think others want you to be.

[RyanHun]

AnotherStander,
Perhaps you are right and this is some sort of happiness trap but currently I'm not so sure it is. It is hard to explain and perhaps saying I don't care is incorrect. I do care a great deal, about my wife, about my family about everything. But I don't really care about the outcome of this. I would certainly prefer if one day my wife came to me and said that she had second thoughts about divorce and wanted to work on things, that would be amazing. But I am at a point where I really know that I will be OK regardless of the outcome. It will be hard, especially on the kids and again not the outcome I would prefer but in the end I will be OK.

For me to say the outcome isn't going to affect me in any way was wrong and you are 100% correct. In reality it is and currently it is honestly one of the best things that has happened to me. The thought of divorce has caused me to take a hard look at myself and while the things I am learning are not the greatest looking back the fact that I recognize them and am begining to correct them is the best thing ever looking forwards.

I am currently working on NMMNG and am working hard at it. I am a kind person and am going to continue to be but for myself. I am working on remaining kind but within my newly discovered boundaries. I am not letting people take advantage of me, I am not doing things I do not really feel good about doing for the sake of pleasing the other person. I am still being a kind person though but for me and because of me. Still have a long ways to go on this subject as well though.

[RR17]

You can't microwave your MR back into shape.

[AnotherStander]

Perhaps you are right and this is some sort of happiness trap but currently I'm not so sure it is. It is hard to explain and perhaps saying I don't care is incorrect. I do care a great deal, about my wife, about my family about everything. But I don't really care about the outcome of this. I would certainly prefer if one day my wife came to me and said that she had second thoughts about divorce and wanted to work on things, that would be amazing. But I am at a point where I really know that I will be OK regardless of the outcome. It will be hard, especially on the kids and again not the outcome I would prefer but in the end I will be OK.

That's a great place to be and you are saying all the right things. Mainly I'm just trying to warn you that you are going to experience a lot of highs and lows over the coming months and to prepare yourself for it. I spent a lot of time convincing myself I was OK and that I had accepted things, and I really thought I had. Then about 3 or 4 months after BD I suddenly went into severe depression and started having crazy anxiety attacks, two things I had never experienced in my life! There was no trigger to explain the timing, it just happened. It took months to recover from that, and it was the roughest few months I've ever experienced, worse even than the months after BD. I suspect that my trying to convince myself that I was OK and burying all my feelings was what caused it. On the outside I thought I was OK but inside there was a massive storm brewing.

I can say now that with the benefit of time (years in my case) you are able to see your sitch much more clearly than when you are going through it. We tend to try and convince ourselves that we've recovered when we're still far from it. We tell ourselves we've dropped the rope while still clenching it tightly behind our backs. 3 Months post BD I would have told you I dropped the rope. 6 months post BD I would have told you I was a fool to think that, but that by then I really HAD dropped it. Then a year later, once again I would have realized that no, I STILL had not dropped it at 6 months. Realistically it takes 1 to 2 years to well and truly drop the rope and get to the point where you really are OK with the sitch you're in and know you will be fine no matter what. People who can recover from this in weeks or a few months were probably not fully invested in their M to begin with.

I am currently working on NMMNG and am working hard at it. I am a kind person and am going to continue to be but for myself.

Great! And there's nothing wrong with being kind. A lot of us here are recovering or reformed NGs and hey, we really are nice guys! But the point of the book is that a lot of "nice guys" are very passive/ aggressive, tend to hide their true feelings, and establish covert contracts over all things great and small. So the goal is to minimize the bad traits and keep the good ones.

[RyanHun]

Thanks I really appreciate all the feedback I am getting. I am sure there probably will be lots of ups and downs and I don't doubt some anxiety/depression will eventually pop up and hopefully I am prepared to deal with that. I imagine that after a couple months and not really seeing any changes in my spouses reaction towards me (if that happens) that the sadness may try and return but I'm trying to best prepare myself for those kinds of situations. Best case WAW takes some notice and begins expressing interest in working on the marriage, worst case things continue as they are and we remain strangers in the same house. But at least I am working on myself and am thankful for my three amazing kids and all the fun we have together.

[Davide]

I'll just echo AS here. There will be some serious ups and downs in the process. I also fell into a serious depression about 4 months post BD - for me it was triggered by heading back home after months away and by realizing the hopelessness of the sitch. It was really rough. I had been feeling very good in the preceding week and hit me especially hard because I thought I had broken through. Those things happen, and probably will happen again in the future.

My hope is that the ups and downs, which still occur, are smoothed out and trending upwards. I still have negative thoughts or memories at times but am able to let them go.

Overconfidence and denial are always things to be on the lookout for, and I'm still a newbie in this process overall. AS is probably right that the process takes faaaaar longer than we think when we are in it. For me it is all about focusing on being present and living in the moment.

It sounds like you are in a good place thus far Ryan, keep working it.