Well Did, you know what to do, unfortunately that's the easy part! I'm wishing you and your W strength to put in the hard work and pull things back together.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She wants to put the work in on herself because she knows shes not in a place to be consistent. She said she has admitted her toxic issues (why admit them instead of say Im working on them and not just say I have these issues,..)
Already a set back as I was weak and called W tonight. When she had asked not to talk about us or sex until after therapy. I was trying to get her to understand my perspective and also tell her how unhealthy I thought her relationship with OM2 was- hope she was going to talk about that in therapy. It cant just be whataver she wants all the time. Im a human too and we need to be equal. Its really on me for just being there for her unconditionally and accepting random sex. We're together for two days she says how great it is. Then Sat I go to gym, come back and somehow she's changed and in a bad place when she was telling me how great of a day she was having and she was horny throughout the day. Then she needs to be alone for a day or two. She is definitely an introvert so I know alone time is important for her at this point (even though she never once asked for it during our 7 years together).
I can't just let her invite me over to have sex or come over when she needs me. She broke down, crying etc on the phone. I need to set boundaries. And focus on her less. Honestly shes not that freaking great Im just still attached.
Boundaries... We have already agreed on this sh*t but her word is meaningless in regard to plans. She says the future is anxiety... kind of crazy. I schedule appointments and work / travel all the time. Shes in this loopy bubble of nothingness except parenting and a random dinner / lunch date with a friend.
Boundaries - If we are doing family stuff / sleeping together we're doing date night every week or two. I am going to meet with the babysitter Saturday whether W wants it or not this will give me flexibility with D4 schedule and GAL.
We do therapy individually and together if we are seeing each other. She said therapy was for her when we discussed doing therapy together we both said we need to... again WTF is your word with a WAW.
We do not text about anything important.
Thoughts on boundaries?
She is trying in her own weird as* way. She kept texting me little things all day on what she was doing. I dont really care at all about that BS. She says I had such a productive day... Im like yea like a work day... (in my head- I have those every dam* day as do most people in the world).
After she breaks down like this usually she distances herself. I texted too much. Need to follow my own boundaries. Im just going to try to not care / act like I dont care... until I actually care less - detach. After 30 min she said she meditated and felt at peace. Said she didnt want my world to revolve around her. Show me that man that made so much growth and is patient etc. (patient- she just wants the money ehh steve?). Asked me to chill. Loves is right that who the F wants to talk about this stuff all the time.
In a negative mood. Its late here... early morning with D4. Goodnight all.
Last edited by Did; 10/09/1804:12 AM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, two quick things. Why don't you care about the texts of the little things she is doing? That is what married couples do! I love when my W texts me about random little things. It means she is thinking about me. And you shouldn't be texting about important things! (I am assuming that by important things you mean R things.) Talk as little about the R outside of MC as possible!! Embrace fun texting! That's how connection is rebuilt. Look up talk and touch charges.
Also, #1 boundary you did to establish, as a rule for piecing and R is No Contact with OM. I'm sorry but as long as she is still in contact with OM then you are not piecing or in reconciling. She should be willing to send him a no contact text or phonecall, in your presence. And then block him in all forms.
Hang in there and keep your chin up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Whoa, slow down and take a deep breath. What makes you think you're piecing? Has she committed to saving the M? Has she said she's ready to move back home? Has she actually told OM never to contact her again and then blocked him on everything? Has she ended all her sexting, chat rooms, dating sites, or whatever addiction she has going on? No, and she doesn't want her family & friends to know about you and her...…..which is a red flag that she's stringing you along. Sorry Did, but this is not piecing. You two may be talking about things, like seeing a therapist, etc. Hopefully, it will lead to actually piecing (which is really hard work). But you aren't back together yet. There is just a lot of talking going on right now. She likes talking about herself......a lot. If you'll notice, everything is about her, and you are like this eager little boy who will agree to anything...….just to be with her. She doesn't even want to live under the same roof with you. Unless a lot has happened between my post and yours, and you failed to mention it...….then what I'm reading sounds like a man who desperately wants to believe his M is piecing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
From my phone sorry for typos. You’re right we aren’t piecing. Honestly we aren’t even close. I need to be more patient. Sandi pretty harsh but youre right. We don’t have our home it sold. She says she hasn’t talk to OM and isn’t sexting with anyone and she is seeing therapist today. She knows how unhealthy she was being. But no she doesn’t want to live together although last weekend she talked about it. It’s just so inconsistent. Last weekend were together and everyone’s happy talk about future houses and our families being supportive then this week if I ask about the appointments the therapist offered saying she fills up quickly. Or do you want to do something Saturday and now the future is anxiety. Why am I pushing or wanting to be with someone who is unstable. I know it’s just going to hurt myself. Hurt people hurt people. And she’s hurt all over.
Yes. Everything is on her terms I told her last night that it wasnt ok. That I’m human too and it can’t just be all about her. She hates hearing this and says she told me she isn’t ready yet. I guess I have to just validate and do my own thing. How will this change... Just back off? My only option is to enjoy my picnic I guess. The deep conversations when she opens up and were sleeping together or kissing and holding hands. All the connection s have happened when she’s down. And when she’s in a good place she doesn’t want to make plans. Nothing physical when she’s feeling healthy. She stills has walls up. Things are only good when she’s been down and I’ve been there for her. It hurts.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
What was she like when you were dating and first married? When she was all in for the R and fully engaged? Was she up and down? Contradictory? Pulsating between a good place and bad?
See we often have it backwards. We think that our sitch is caused by the lack of stability. When in fact her lack of stability is caused by the fact that she isn't all in on the R and piecing.
Did, understand that R and piecing is HARD. Being halfhearted will never never work. She is either 100% on board with R and piecing, or you shouldn't try to R and piece.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When we were dating she was super committed and while we were married too. She wanted more kids up until last winter. Completely all for the R and our family was everything to her. I was everything to her then D4 came and she was her everything. Until she hit her limit last spring and then left in June. I was depressed and a downer so I get it, I dont blame her for leaving. But the actions since then I do have some negative feelings about. She completely changed, she has said marriage is just a piece of paper, she doesnt want to go through it all again- having kids, maybe but not sure.
I 100% agree that the lack of stability is caused by the fact that she isnt all into piecing. I honestly think it would go great but she says she's not ready. I have to respect that right? She has felt all the good emotions when we're together and told me, love, butterflies, happy, really like doing things as a family... But how do I get her to understand? I guess I can't right, it's up to her... Maybe in therapy?
When she does let herself open up to me and just go with the flow its gone really well. But then something outside my control like her mom affects her and she jumps away. I have to just enjoy the picnic I guess.
She is not 100% on board. What do I do... I wont just be walked all over and let her see me F me randomly drop I love yous and be around our daughter together then pull away. Im trying to be patient which is what she's asked for but feeling pretty down its completely one sided. I may have issues but Im pretty consistent, calm, cool, responsible etc.
I have therapy Friday with marriage counselor / sex therapist, she has it this afternoon. Im unsure if Friday will be both of us or just me.
At the YMCA now just dropped off D4. Im doing work after this post W is here gave her a smile and was friendly. She got a text and showed me it was her girlfriend. Without me asking.... She asked if she could go finish her workout I said yes... havent really talked. Shes still in the gym working out. I want to talk but she has therapy at 3 so Im just going to keep my distance and play it cool.
As Im sitting here she sends me an IG post which is one of her favorite ways of communicating deep stuff. Just taking others thoughts that she resonates with...
Last edited by Did; 10/09/1804:29 PM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, my point is that you are believing too much of what she says. And even too much of what she does. Is the sex and ILYs and the "positive things" the real thing. Or is it the ups and downs? The pulling away? The asking for patience (IE distance)?
Your approach isn't bad (slow and steady wins the race), the problem is all of the expectations you are attaching to everything she says and does. You are feeling down because you rise and fall with every one of her words and actions. Detach from her words and actions. In other words: You are AWESOME and it doesn't matter what she says, good or bad. Or what she does positive or negative. You are AWESOME through all of it. That's what the picnic analogy is. You are there picnicking and she can come join you or stay away. She can come and leave right away. Or come late. Or whatever. It doesn't matter because no matter what YOU are going to sit there and enjoy the picnic. Period.
Your picnic is like this:
"Should I start eating or wait for her? Is she coming? Is that her? No that was a tree limb blowing in the breeze. Maybe she will come from the other direction. No I don't see her over there either. Okay I guess I will eat this sandwich. Boy this sandwich would taste so much better if she was sitting on this blanket next to me. Is that her? Nope, Bummer. I guess I will have to eat these cupcakes without her. Shucks, I brought 2, one for each of us."
Your picnic is centered around her........not you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
