Husband cheated, left, trying to DB 5

[Phoenix9]

I feel like he will be offended if I treat him like the babysitter. But I am trying to think of how to word the appreciation i show him.

Who cares what he thinks? And that's his child too. He needs to man the f*ck up and handle his sh*t, especially when it comes to your D.

[Ready2Change]

I feel like he will be offended if I treat him like the babysitter. But I am trying to think of how to word the appreciation i show him.

Words don't matter. It is your attitude.


"Enjoy your time with D! Good bye."

[kech]

Ok I will do that. I think it’s the stagnant feeling of it all. I’ve been polite to him for a month now when I leave to go GAL and it doesn’t seem to ignite anything. And then as soon as I started pulling away more I got his attention. Once I started saying less, not being as nice, he started wondering what was going on. I feel like if I’m nice he just thinks everything is great and he leaves and goes to Ow like he’s just got this great setup.

I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve found my happy medium and that’s what I need to find. Pull away but be polite. I have to work on it. I’ll practice in the mirror

[ovrrnbw]

He'll be surprised and interested in why you're treating him that way instead of being emotionally attached and pursuing him.

[Ready2Change]

Found here

Put this in you back pocket:

"I can see your eyes filling with tears, do you want to tell me how you feel?"

[Ready2Change]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642563#Post1642563

Here is what is working for me:

1) FORGIVE everything W has done / is doing. This is MY CHOICE. I can choose to resent what she is doing, or let it go and forgive her. This is a huge weight lifted off of me. What she chooses is HER choice. It is MY CHOICE how I let it affect me.

2) PATIENCE - My understanding is there are 4 stages that every couple goes through. W is in stage 3. I have put my need from W completely hold. I want to give to W unconditionally for the rest of the relationship. I have faith that W will have a change in heart. I am not her enemy.

Stage 1 : ROMANTIC LOVE - Both partners ignore all the BAD in the other partner and see only the GOOD.

Stage 2 : POWER STRUGGLE - Each partner "keeps score" and resentment builds up.

Stage 3 : DISPARE - Both partners are unhappy with R. One partner cracks and wants out.

Stage 4 : TOGETHER AT LAST - Both partners have forgiven each other for issues of the past. Some people never make it here. If I am patent, I have a better chance of making it to stage 4 with W.

3) PERSONAL GROWTH - During this period away from W, I have been "looking in the mirror" and working on all my issues. I read all I can. I am FIXING all my bad habits. This will need to continue for the rest of my life.......

4) LIVE in the NOW - The past is gone. Remember and learn from it, but I will not let it control me. The future is not here, so I can not worry about that either.

5) Do work : Keep busy taking care of ME, Bills, kids, etc....

6) BALANCE: Find balance in everything. I need time alone, but also need time with kids, as well as interactions with other adults. Rest/Work/Play/Exercise.

7) EMPATHY / VALIDATION : My W has her issues. I can empathize with her, but not take it personally. I can also validate how she is feeling (This shows that I DO CARE).

8) DETACH EMOTIONALLY: It has taken awhile, but I do not let W's emotions affect me. It is my choice to be happy with or without her. If she is angry, I do not let that affect me....

9) self fulfilling prophesy - When I interact with wife, I expect her to be nice. Guess what.....

10) 100% INTENTION : I can control my thoughts, words and actions. I intend on getting to stage 4. Every interaction with W will either bring us closer or push us farther apart. I intend on drawing us closer.

[kech]

R2C,

I just went through that whole page of quotes, that was great. Thank you. Its things like this that really make me think:

10)Assuming what they are doing and what is really going on is
way different...I found all this out when he came home..you
are on their minds a lot more than you think. So with that don't you want their thoughts to be either A. See what a controlling Biatch she is or B. Hey, she's totally cool, self sufficient and no pressure. That's what the OP is doing for them so it's your chance to behave the same way.
-sandycay

Something about that boosts my confidence. To think he is possibly thinking about me. He said to me a week ago that he thinks about us everyday, but its complex emotions, and he misses us but feels like a middle ground between the 2 of us is too far....I know to believe nothing he says, so I think sometimes he just says whatever sounds good at the moment, but I do understand what hes saying. I want to ignite positive thoughts in him, when he thinks of me, but what I do not want to do is come off like im just ok with what he is doing, even though its completely disrespectful to me as his wife. So its hard to be "totally cool" without seeming like oh Im just totally cool with this situation. Does that make sense? I wish i could nail it down and stay consistent with it.

[Ready2Change]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2045297#Post2045297

What helped me was to script out my 2nd, longer, "The Deceit's Gotta Stop" confrontation with my wife. Practised it, over and over, even out loud, in my office. Rehearsed my body language, and my inflection, and my eye contact. Probably two dozen times.

It left me VERY prepared, and pretty calm. A 1/2-pill of my anti-anxiety meds took care of the other half nicely.

[kech]

Practice makes perfect. I wish I could have a “deceits gotta stop” convo with my H, but I’m not in the position to do that right now. Hopefully if we ever get there, I’ll rehearse it and not trip on my words like I do now.

I’m so nervous about seeing him tonight and I don’t know why. I think what I’m most nervous about is when I get home and he leaves, and I know he’s going to OW, and the way it feels for me is just absolutely awful every night. Every night when I walk in he’s laying on the couch, either asleep or just watching tv. And a year ago I would have laid down next to him and made a joke of some sort or told him how our Friday nights in are some of my favorite nights. I used to always say that to him bc id usually want to go out and he wouldn’t feel like it so we would stay in, and I’d always end up saying “these Friday nights in are my favorite” and he would smile. My how the tables have turned. Crazy how much life changes. I wonder if he even remembers things like that.

He sent me a song to listen to last Friday, and the song was saying how he’s stuck between “I love you and I’m leaving”. And in it the man is saying how he’s out every night burning the midnight oil, knowing the woman he loves is home alone, and he’s not sure what he wants to do. And it explained our sitch perfectly. I should have said to him “one day I won’t be home alone”.

I have a massage scheduled for 8pm tonight, so when he gets here I’ll head out and run a few errands before the massage and then after it maybe go wander the aisles of Target. Can’t go wrong there. I could go grab a drink with friends but that’s what I did last Saturday and I’ve decided drinking is just the worst idea for my emotional state.

Maybe it’s a good thing he wants to come Be with D both nights this weekend. I regret our argument last night. I wish I hadn’t said anything to him when he walked in. But nothing I can do now. Time to practice my “have fun with D tonight” smile. Thanks again

[Ready2Change]

I have a massage scheduled for 8pm tonight,

Wahoo! Enjoy. You deserve it.

I’ve decided drinking is just the worst idea for my emotional state.

Yes. Go get something to eat.

Leave the drinking for later. (much later)