Finding my way into the light

[neffer]

Glad to hear from you. Good your kids are getting along better. It´s hard for everybody...

Keep safe

[joejoe1]

H,

Great job buddy!

She sees that hold on holding is lifted and she has lost all control. This flight is now yours for landing!

[Holding]

Thanks, JJ! I'm happy to see you've been updating your thread in the Newcomers Forum. It's a great perspective on piecing that not many people get to see.

Folks, I need some advice on a scheduling issue with the XW.

XW and I each take turns going to dinner with our sons on Wednesdays. When they're with me, she takes them to dinner on Wednesday, and vice versa. It's in the decree. We've agreed via familywizard to move dinners when they conflict with a school or extracurricular event

For about a month now, XW has had this week's dinner scheduled for Thursday. I think she believed there'd be a school event this week on Wednesday. It turns out that there is no school event, so yesterday XW changed her dinner back to Wednesday - without checking with me. I've already made plans for the week (a date on Thursday night), and this will be an inconvenience for me.

So I asked XW to change it back to Thursday, since it's such short notice, and she is refusing to do so. She tells me it was an oversight, it's not short notice, she has a work event Thursday night, and her parents will be in town and would like to take the boys to dinner on Wednesday. She says the decree specifies that our dinners are Wednesdays, and she asked me if I'll be denying her ability to take them to dinner this week.

Let me add that, to accommodate her special plans, I've approved MANY of her change requests - at least 10, including special dinners and birthday parties with her family.

So this is a boundary issue for me. She changes the plans last minute, without notifying me or even asking if it will work with my schedule. She has zero regard for my time. I would not dream of doing this with her.

I think I have 2 options:

1. Tell her no, sorry, I can't accommodate this time. I'll just deal with whatever fallout may occur (her wrath, legal, etc.).

2. Tell her yes, and from now on we will stick to the decree for Wednesday dinners and no exceptions (except for school events) will be made. I'll still go on my date Thursday night, and my sons are definitely old enough to be on their own for a few hours.

Thoughts?

[TBSakaJ9]

What happened with the girl you hit it off with?

[Ginger1]

Quite honestly, I would find a way to take that dinner out of the decree. With kids schedules and activities, a weekly planned dinner is really difficult. I couldn't plan a dinner time or a night for the life of me right now. We shove things down our throat and get moving!

What exactly brought about such an arrangement. Why isn't your night your night and her night her night? Seems like too much intermingling of time to me......

[Dawn70]

I was kind of wondering the same thing as Ginger. My kids were adults when we D'ed so we didn't have any custody stuff, but the kids were still young enough to be under an actual agreement with XH's first XW when he and I married and though she's a crazy psycho, they still didn't have anything that structured set up in theirs. Seems like too much overlap and kind of intrusive, not to mention it will get harder as the kids get older and are involved in more activities.

[Holding]

What happened with the girl you hit it off with?

Oh, that girl...

Well, the second date never happened. I had been trying to play it cool and not text too much. Frankly I was sitting on my hands all week. Maybe I went too far, as it had been several days since the last text. On the morning of the date, I texted "see you tonight!".

She came back with something along the lines of "we haven't talked, and I have plans to get a facial, I wasn't going to sit at home alone". So I was thinking she's got some kind of image of herself as someone who's too good to be at home, and maybe also expects me to do all the work in terms of carrying on the R. I took a break for 2 days, and really considered sending a goodbye text, but a friend in my NGS group convinced me not to give up so easily since the chemistry was so good.

I reached out to her over the weekend via text and said I thought we had a great in-person chemistry, and I'd like to see her again. I could see how maybe we had different concepts of what a commitment entails, and I'd make sure we had firm plans.

She responded saying she agreed we had good in-person chemistry, but she needed more text interaction in her Rs, since that's what keeps the R going between the face-to-face times. I said I'd be happy to text more, and reciprocation is important to me since I don't want either of us to do all the lifting. She responded "Exactly!" We agreed on a time next Sunday for our next date.

But since then, I texted her Sunday night and Monday night, and she hasn't responded to my texts. It's starting to feel like she wants me to do all the work, and maybe she's expecting these "Good Morning, beautiful!" texts from me, which ain't gonna happen if she can't respond to a simple question. A few friends have said she sounds like a narcissist, and believe me, I've had enough of that for the last 20 years.

I don't know. I don't think it should be this complicated in the beginning. I'm giving it a few days. The ball's in her court now.

Next up, back to the XW...

[Holding]

Quite honestly, I would find a way to take that dinner out of the decree. With kids schedules and activities, a weekly planned dinner is really difficult. I couldn't plan a dinner time or a night for the life of me right now. We shove things down our throat and get moving!

What exactly brought about such an arrangement. Why isn't your night your night and her night her night? Seems like too much intermingling of time to me......

The Wednesday dinner is becoming a pain, but it's a way to not go so long without seeing the kids, since we have alternating 7-day custody. This was something we agreed to at mediation. I was pushing for 7-day alternating since it would be less moving around for the kids, and she wanted some weird deal with 2 days hers, 2 days mine, and alternating weekends. I think the dinner was part of the compromise.

I was kind of wondering the same thing as Ginger. My kids were adults when we D'ed so we didn't have any custody stuff, but the kids were still young enough to be under an actual agreement with XH's first XW when he and I married and though she's a crazy psycho, they still didn't have anything that structured set up in theirs. Seems like too much overlap and kind of intrusive, not to mention it will get harder as the kids get older and are involved in more activities.

You're right, it is getting more complicated (especially since XW is keen to sign them up for school activities without my agreement). I have a feeling we'll be heading back to court in a year or two. Maybe we can address it then.

So does anyone have advice on how I can handle the current sitch?

I'm thinking of offering 2 options and letting XW decide:

1. She accepts Thursday dinner as that's what's been on the calendar for 3 weeks. If she can't go, maybe her parents can take them since they're in town.

2. Otherwise, we follow the strict wording of the decree. Dinners are always on Wednesdays, and if there's a school event or other scheduling conflict, the parent not in possession simply loses out.

[TBSakaJ9]

Well H that stinks......she has your number as well and could have easily texted you also. Sounds like a pretty lame excuse to me.

[Holding]

Yeah, J9. It's a 2-way street, and she never reached out to me. Seems a bit self centered.

But it's still a plus for me. I'm starting to really feel things for people and have legitimately good dates, that are better than anything I had before my M.