thank you steve! as always i appreciate your comments, wisdom and support! from what AS as told me of his sitch, he and i share the "what the H happened" WW experience i think. in some ways i think that helps us move to the other side easier, because our W is just completely gone and done. there's no discussions at dinner, MC, seeing each other day to day. never got a single chance and haven't seen her in months now. even to exchange D, W has us go through family. when you are dealing with that level of what feels like complete abandonment, D looks more like the promised land and less like a wasteland ONCE you finally reach a point where you know you don't deserve what you are allowing yourself to wallow in. in those sitches where there's communication, back and forth, uncertainty...detachment and moving to the other side i think is MUCH harder as there's still a sense of hope for R. i didn't ask for ANY of this, but it happened and now i need to make the best of it. as you say i can take solace in the fact that i wanted and would have done anything i could to try and save my MR, but W never offered not one chance.
thank you for the support as well neffer! as the song says "don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been". looking forward instead of backward provides a person the chance to see new opportunities that they previously thought were closed off to them. it's towards those things that i'm headed.
thank you steve! as always i appreciate your comments, wisdom and support! from what AS as told me of his sitch, he and i share the "what the H happened" WW experience i think. in some ways i think that helps us move to the other side easier, because our W is just completely gone and done. there's no discussions at dinner, MC, seeing each other day to day. never got a single chance and haven't seen her in months now. even to exchange D, W has us go through family. when you are dealing with that level of what feels like complete abandonment, D looks more like the promised land and less like a wasteland ONCE you finally reach a point where you know you don't deserve what you are allowing yourself to wallow in. in those sitches where there's communication, back and forth, uncertainty...detachment and moving to the other side i think is MUCH harder as there's still a sense of hope for R. i didn't ask for ANY of this, but it happened and now i need to make the best of it. as you say i can take solace in the fact that i wanted and would have done anything i could to try and save my MR, but W never offered not one chance.
thank you for the support as well neffer! as the song says "don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been". looking forward instead of backward provides a person the chance to see new opportunities that they previously thought were closed off to them. it's towards those things that i'm headed.
-B
Awesome! Whitesnake lyrics! LONG LIVE 80s METAL!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ballast, great to hear your update. I completely understand the phase you are going thru, lot of us who had similar BD timelines are travelling on the same train and have reached similar stations. Anger/resentment/semi-detachment/rejection of WAS/disgust are all different faces of the same emotion which is reaching acceptance. Drawing on GOT, if being No One is the goal then these are the many faces we should wear before detaching completely. I am happy you are spending quality time with your D. I question the need for this madness and look for the whys too but I know it doesnt matter. Time will not stay the same who knows where we will all be next year same time right? Stay strong, my prayers are with you and your D.
thank you sia! rightfully so we left behinds we fight so hard to keep the ground we knew and were comfortable with underneath of us at all costs. at some point though (and that point is different for each of us) i think we just get to enough is enough. i completely agree with you on the need for this madness and the why, but really these are unanswerable. again in my case my W's actions help moved me along much quicker. if she had been open to talking, yo-yo'ing on her feelings, etc i would NOT be where i am now. there's a healing heart song out there with the lyric "But that clock on the wall will cure it all, Even though that ain't how it seems" that's the simple truth, we just each have different clocks. thank you for your kind words and prayers! my same to you and your family!
Your sitch is pretty similar to mine. W pulled the rug out on me a month after her mom passed away. Initially said we were separating and leading me into thinking there would be opportunities to work on us..no dice.
The further it gets out, the colder she gets.
Best of luck going forward!
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
just a journal post...getting to anniversary date mid part of this month. no intention to say anything about it. just have to keep the mind going forward instead of back when it comes around. will be hard to do though. tough to not reflect on the promise/happiness that day held against the complete destruction of where it is now. the contrast is beyond sobering. another day i guess...
journaling a bit...so there i was waiting for my IC appt late last week. time to kill, so i was recalling that it was the anniversary of Steve Jobs passing. that led me back to the text of the speech he gave at Stanford some years ago. it was prophetic given my sitch and where i'm at with it process wise that i read what he said. for myself and i suspect many others now that we are post-BD, our lives have seemingly been turned upside down and we are groping along for forward direction/purpose...there i was sitting waiting for an IC appt and just before i went in for it, much of what i was needing i found in the words of his speech. for those of you who might be grasping for some direction going forward from where you are, i highly encourage you to seek out what he wrote and consider it. some of it of course is the typical "graduation challenge" verbiage that all such speeches contain, but i think if you consider your sitch in relation to his words much of it will have relevance and perhaps some comfort to you. there is much wisdom in the words of a man who while wildly successful at the time of his death, dealt with many challenges/adversities in life even before he was born.
at the start of another week here's the quote from his speech which most had impact on me and my sitch:
"Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
Good to hear from you Ballast. It is interesting how certain messages reach us only when we are ready to hear them, or resonate with us more profoundly when we need them. Living with uncertainty and being okay with it certainly resonates with me, and I imagine with lots of others here. Thanks for sharing.
In the spirit of sharing, there is another graduation address that has helped me a lot over the past 6 months. "This is Water" as it is commonly referred to, is a commencement speech that David Foster Wallace gave at Oberlin College in 2005. I highly recommend it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
