Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[lost8]

ugh I hate myself for all those stupid comments I made with that response from WW. So much easier to not say a word and move on, don't have to think of something to say on short notice then decipher the response then figure if I should respond to her response......move on by with NC

[Turbine]

Guess I will let the W know travel plans.

After I just said not to? LOL! At the end of the day it's your choice, but I think what a lot of LBS's don't fully understand is just how much their WAS is repulsed by their presence. They can't stand to be around the LBS and just want to push a button and make them disappear. So any little compliment, invite, etc. just makes them want to throw up. It really is that bad. You've got to do the opposite- give her time and space. What does that mean? LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

Yeah... got to develop a signature line. Sorry.

I see it there, thank you!

Here is where I might have broke no contact. I noticed her hair was different. I said it looked nice. W response was sort of Grrr...

As Steve said it's nothing to get worked up about. But given her reaction, it should be clear to you now that such comments are unwelcome to her right now. A lot of LBS's try to "make up for lost time" by saying and doing things that they didn't in the M to try and "nice" their W back home. But the WAS sees such things as "too little too late".

I haven't shared and based on her reaction about complimenting her hair... I won't mention unless she asks. Which will probably be after I am already there.

As for complimenting her hair and appearance in general. I have always tried to notice her efforts and tell her she is gorgeous, beautiful, etc... so no guarantee that was the reason for the grrr from her. Understand it doesn't change my course going forward.

Any extra info deemed useful on the signature line?

[Turbine]

Been a few days since I had anything to add here. My overall self is still in turmoil. I'm trying to detach and all that. Was today ever difficult for that. I don't know why either although and educated guess is I still have expectations. After 31 years that is normal right? I, like almost everyone else here, would rather be in a different relationship with their SO, a happy healthy MR.

Went to Church today, carpooled with BiL. Two cars from same start to same end point seems really dumb. Anyway today we picked up my MiL and SiL because neither of them drives or lives with us. My Bil gives very poor directions. However now that I know where she lives that trip won't be an issue.

After Church we stopped for brunch. My BiL covered 2/3 the meal cost. I got to spend time with my MiL and show her pictures of my contribution to her great granddaughters. I hope she gets to see them again in person. She is getting pretty old but is in good health as far as I know. She remembers hiding from the Japanese as a child when the Philippines was occupied in WWII.

Don't know if W went to Church. I know I shouldn't worry or care. I do though. Even if I won't ask her about it or mention it to the minister I have been talking to. Conversations with him are limited to my faith and returning to church now. I made that mistake and am willing to let it cool off. Will he forget? Unlikely so time will tell how that plays out. Like the rest of my sitch. If you have been reading along (thank you) you know my preference there. In God's hands now.

I hope everyone has a good week. I plan on finishing this week in great spirits and have new memories with my eldest D and granddaughters.

I really need to get better at the detach because it seems all my thoughts are about missing her... is that right?

[Turbine]

I am going back and re-reading Michelle's articles. Going through the one titled "While Your Spouse Decides".
His approach worked, for him. Does that conflict with LRT? Because I am not feeling or sensing a change. If one of her complaints was ignoring her isn't this more of the same? Because doing a 180 gets into pressure territory. Don't want that. Want her back, willingly.

This feels so twisted. Got to beware the Minotaur...

[Maika]

It's very hard from a short anecdote like that to really see if applies in your personal situation. We have no idea why his W wanted the separation and what their problems were in the MR. It's also hard to say whether the 'friendship' is what brought her back to him. There could be a host of other factors that were in play as well.

I know what your fear is. I had the same thing - my W felt that I was not there for her as much as she wanted. But doing a 180 on that works if both of you are committed to working on the marriage. At this point, she's beyond that and so what you think would be the logical improvement you need to make isn't going to work. i know it's tricky. I would err on the side of giving her space, lots of it. Stay NC/dark; don't ignore her communications - keep a line open, whether it be text, email, phone etc that works best for you; decide how you will respond to her communications and what requires your attention for a response; always be polite and civil in your communications; and do the DB stuff like GAL, personal development in areas you need to get better at etc.

This one is hard and takes time, but you need to give up the want and expectation of her coming back. Drop the rope and go on your detachment journey and do what's best for you.

[Turbine]

Want her to come back... absolutely. Expect her... when she BD and I was doing all the wrong stuff she was not happening, move on, find someone better, go date... Whiskey Tango Foxtrot... really?

[ovrrnbw]

They all say that. It's their way of coping with doing what they're doing that. Which is why you don't need to worry about it brother.

You sound like you're still in the playbook. And by that I mean, you're hoping to run the right play, score the game winning TD, and ride off into the sunset with your W. That's normal and understandable, but is probably not a good mindset to be in. Let her go. Work on you.

[Turbine]

I understand DB is about the LBS. Isn't this the point though... to save the MR.

What I have been gathering is there isn't a "Hail Mary" and ride into the sunset. Work and lots of it.

I never imagined being in this sitch. Always thought forever meant forever.

[SteveLW]

I understand DB is about the LBS. Isn't this the point though... to save the MR.

The point is to save yourself. Sometimes the MR is saved in the process. The point of DBing is to STOP trying to save the MR and by doing that sometimes you save it. Counter-intuitive....but it does work better than actively trying to save the MR (IE pursuit and pressure).

[Turbine]

What if my vision of being saved is an intact and loving MR with my W. Does that mean my vision is flawed or that I have tunnel vision? I am trying to not pressure or pursue. Some actions I have taken, i.e. returning to Church could be viewed as pressure. Yet if I stop then her view is vindicated. Even if returning to Church is motivated by more than saving our MR.

Am I still digging that hole and just have thrown away the shovel to start with a backhoe instead?

What if I don't want to accept 'sometimes'? Does that mean I am doomed in this? Have I messed this up beyond redemption?