Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra

[Gordie]

Gerda

What a happy ending to your story

A nun or maybe an angel

Figuratively or literally

Your tears are a gift

A cleansing gift

Let it all out

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Just stopping by to let you know I’m thinking about you and the difficult situation you are in. And to pass on a hug, you might need one. (((Gerda)))

DnJ

[Gerda]

Yes, Gordie, she was an angel. She looked like one. And guess what her name was? Emmanuelle. "God is with us."

And you know what else? Last week a really kind young priest I met recently (and told my story) gave me a leather bookmark with Joshua 1:9, which tells us not to be afraid because God is with us. I had just finished this novena asking God to take my fear. And then the next day I had to drive really far away to meet a woman I barely knew from a class I was taking to do this project, and when I walked into her apartment, there on the wall on a big plaque was... Joshua 1:9.

Maybe you are an angel too. You always remind me of something about the light.

Tears, yes. I get that cleansing gift every day. Generally when I start to pray, I know when it starts that I am really talking to God when I start crying. I still think of you sitting in those churches when you were so so so low.

[Gerda]

DnJ, I read this last night and boy did I ever need a hug. So your note gave me a smile. Or at least an attempt at one.

Then today I read your note again and boy did I ever need a hug.

Rinse, repeat.

Thank you for being such a good friend. How are the trees?

[Gordie]

Gerda

That is beautiful

But I am no angel

Just a sinner in desperate need of forgiveness

[DnJ]

Hi Gerda.

The trees are magestic and peaceful as ever. They are trees, they offer their company and protection, they ask for nothing, and yet give everything. Walking among them brings peace.

It is cold here, far earlier than usual. Most of the trees leaves still have not turned, and we have had snow off and on. Something out of place with trees of green in a field of snow. The snow melts soon after the sunrise, and the weather turns to rain.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. You will make it through this and will be fine. I do understand how unbelievable that assurance sounds to you right now, however I know it is true.

Keep the faith and keep smiling (or trying too).

Love

DnJ

[Gerda]

My H is not around much but when he is, I can't look at him or speak to him so I mostly hide upstairs, despite DnJ's previous admonition not to have fear. It's just too much pain and I am already so nervous and sick to my stomach that I need to avoid contact.

When I do see him, he usually asks me where the kids are, and I don't answer. I thought I don't want him to be able to say that I prevent anything with the kids, even though he LIVES here and could see them whenever he wanted to if he made the effort, so I wrote the note, below, and then he wrote the reply below.

I know that this is part of MLC and is nothing surprising to any of you but every time I get anything from him or even see his name on an e-mail in my inbox, I feel like I am going to die. I have my first court appearance on the 23rd and at that time will ask judge to ask him to leave but I don't know if the judge can require that or if I will be able to prove how damaging his presence is to me and the kids. I still believe that one day he could be healed but living with him here and the D looming ahead of me is truly a cross beyond all crosses. He is always gone all day but the morning and then when he returns around dinner is awful, I just stay upstairs or try to go out but don't want to leave kids with him for very long.

Last night for example, my S, who H really hasn't seen in days because he never goes upstairs and that is where my S usually is when he is home, had a massive panic attack. Took me a long while, long walk, lots of talking, to get him to calm down, and he was so worried about me that I did finally tell him about H filing, so he would know that that was why I seemed nervous lately. Then he woke up at 3 am and I had to calm him down all over again. He does not really believe in God but he will hold the rosary to go to sleep. This morning when I woke him for school, I saw that he was still clutching it.

Anyway, here is the note. He keeps using my nickname, it is so weird and so hurtful. And he quotes Christ as if he is doing this as part of his love of Christ?!!!!

My friends, the place where my heart was seems to be full of molten lava most of the day, with a couple of times per day when I notice I am okay, by the grace of God only I guess. I wish I could get a big IRL hug from all of you.

Gerda wrote:

S is on his way home and D is with a friend.

I can answer any questions about the children via e-mail. I don’t know where the wonderful man I knew for half my life is, but I am in too much pain about that to speak to whoever you are now. E-mails about S and D are okay, or if you have an emergency and need my help.

- G

I understand, Gerdsie.

But for the record I don’t — to humbly respond to your verdict of (his name) — feel unwonderful being “whoever I am.” I once felt very unwonderful; I once did not know who I am. I don’t now. I know who I am. I feel wonderful. Rather, I feel more whole, more full. “I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full.” I will look forward to more fullness and wholeness.

[OneArt]

I know you are selective in who you like to give you advice, but I will point out something my attorney told me early on.

Keep it short (no more than 3 lines), one topic at a time (they can't wrap their brains around more than that) and try to keep as much emotion out as you can. The more business-like you are with him, the more he is likely to be with you. Given his penchant for grandiose verbal diarrhea, I wouldn't give him much to cling to. Try to remove any language that he could view as you blaming him (whether that is your goal or not).

I think had you kept your text to the below, you could have avoided the response that sounds like it stung a bit. I'm sure you weren't intending to blame or be argumentative, but I can see how yours in particular would respond as he did.

"S is on his way home and D is with a friend. I'm happy to communicate about the kids, but would prefer to keep it to email for the time being. These are difficult times for all of us."

[Gerda]

Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but yesterday I did call an abuse hotline because a friend advised me to get an order of protection to get him out of the house. I realized that I have been living in a situation of emotional abuse. I think knowing it was MLC somehow made me think it was bearable but right now it is not.

I am wondering if anyone knows if getting an order of protection could make things worse for me if his side is somehow able to claim that I am just using that as a strategy.

I don't want any strategy as I don't want to divorce but I do want him out for now. I am in a state of perpetual terror. I thought it was just pain and kept asking myself why I am so scared, he never hits me or anything. But I reallze it's not so much pain as terror.

But I want to maximize my chance of 100% custody so I didn't know if it would be better to just wait for first court appearance and tell judge everything then. I want him out of here so badly, have asked him to leave twice and he won't.

[Westo]

As you know, I’m not religious so can’t ask God for his strength, but I do believe in my strength.

So, with that in mind...I’m giving you all my love and support and I really don’t want to offend, because I know how religious you are.

But.......as an atheist, can’t help but feel maybe...you are putting too much on God?

Do you think it’s maybe time to put Him aside and work on this situation yourself?

Just my two pence worth x