Whirlwind of hurt 2

[Twofeet]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2811842&page=10

[Twofeet]

Summary:

Wife was talking about separation 1 week before BD. Labor day weekend wife changed her mind and BD. Had lawyer and real estate agent. I did everything wrong pushed her away. Got her to calm down and we decided to find a mediator. Found DB and started working on it. I started with IC. I found wife was having an EA with Male coworker. Upon confrontation wife denies and doesn't care as she sees the marriage as over. I kick her out of MBR, but can't get her to leave house. Wife starts using same IC. Wife is moving fast and hard to make this happen as is typical of her demeanor. She is in the fog and living a fantasy. She is looking at buying houses at least as expensive as the one we own and looking at buying a new car for her new exciting life post D. I DB the best I can and she has opened up here and there. However, the sitch looks bleak and I think its headed for the BigD unless God grants me a miracle.

The 3 mantras I repeat to myself thanks to the DB forums.
Be the lighthouse.
It's going to get worse before it gets better.
It's a marathon not a sprint.

[Twofeet]

Ok folks, I was going through the asset list and custody calendar with wife this evening. Daughter started throwing a fit about some school events. It upset wife and caused her to open up. She said I was an absent father and absent to our marriage. I validate her feelings, she then says I am not an absent father, in fact she says the kids now see me as the favorite and don't like her. She doesn't talk about being absent to the marriage. I really want to explore this topic, but not sure if it's good for db so I don't pursue.

Feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I know I have things to work on and I am actively doing that. While I don't feel like I was absent in the marriage it's still stings. I understand why she may feel that way as often in our marriage she would bum rush me with emotions, tears, etc and my defense mechanism was to shutdown, be flat with emotion on the outside. On the inside I was trying to process everything.

If my goal is to be a man only a fool would leave, then why do I feel like the fool?

[ovrrnbw]

Question for the DB vets.

How much do I tell the W about my GAL? If it's with the kids I obviously have to tell her what's going on and she knows there is always an open invitation to family time on my part. But solo GAL? She obviously wants to know my business and she shares some of hers. Although I believe nothing she says anymore.
What and how much do I share? I also know she could try to use this against me to get really wayward, but I guess apart of DB would be to let it roll off my back until it affects the kids lives.

Remember we both still live in the same house. If we were separated it would be a different story.

Tell her nothing, just that you seeing friends. She thinks her EA is nothing b/c she's done with the marriage, so like Davide said, you have no obligation to her. I made the mistake of telling too much of my GAL to my WW. Let her wonder.

[Again18]

TF I feel the same way I want to open up and talk to my W but I know it's futile. If in her mind she thinks that everything I say is said only to keep her in the marriage. Therefore, in her mind, I'm only trying to take care of myself and my needs and not hers. I just got done doing 4 hours of driving with her and not a word about our R was said. At dinner with our friends, she talks about future trips with them and was holding my hand as she said it. Last night she told our daughters that we are going to move to Hawaii someday and she made sure she said your Dad and me. Ha, I could see right through that one. But there is no attempt at physical contact when she isn't around friends. There is no plan in her mind that includes the two of us. I don't know what she is thinking but I know that she is not fully in this marriage.

[Terapin]

Ok folks, I was going through the asset list and custody calendar with wife this evening. Daughter started throwing a fit about some school events. It upset wife and caused her to open up. She said I was an absent father and absent to our marriage. I validate her feelings, she then says I am not an absent father, in fact she says the kids now see me as the favorite and don't like her. She doesn't talk about being absent to the marriage. I really want to explore this topic, but not sure if it's good for db so I don't pursue.

Feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I know I have things to work on and I am actively doing that. While I don't feel like I was absent in the marriage it's still stings. I understand why she may feel that way as often in our marriage she would bum rush me with emotions, tears, etc and my defense mechanism was to shutdown, be flat with emotion on the outside. On the inside I was trying to process everything.

If my goal is to be a man only a fool would leave, then why do I feel like the fool?

Sounds a lot like my sitch. In fact I was just told this 2 weeks ago. lol. I never felt I was absent in our M, but she felt I was. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle? I think the hard part for a lot of relationships is each person needs to be willing to 'meet in the middle'. like, you and I realize that we weren't perfect and as attentive as we should be, and we would/could do more. But are our wives willing to admit that we weren't all that bad, and they themselves could have been doing more, and would do more in the future?

[Again18]

In our WW or WAW history for them has changed, and it's dark and negative and full of inaccuracies. Remember don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. I struggle with this too. W held my hand and rubbed my back at dinner a nice gesture but only believe half of what they do which means only half of that was from the heart the other half probably to put on a cover for the friends. Because after that no hand holding or touching for the rest of the night, in fact, nothing yesterday and last night either. She's pulled back for sure.

[Twofeet]

Terapin- First 2 weeks I was 100% to blame, but now as per yesterdays convo she says we probably are both to blame, but I am mostly to blame. So she has softened her stance a bit and maybe her anger a bit. However, she has hardened her heart towards me so I just go on with the DB.

Again18 - I wish my wife would hold my hand, I fantasize about her giving me a hug. Then I snap to and tell myself that well has dried up, maybe forever. Just need to keep focusing on my own personal growth and maybe that well will fill up again.

[Again18]

TF don't forget I was in your shoes once as well. No hugs, no kisses no hand holding. And if there was I paid the consequences big time. Pull back with rejuvenated energy from wife wanting to leave the marriage. But after she came back it's been 14 years now it was great, until now of course. Two nights ago yes, she held my hand but I don't think it was a gesture of reconciliation, no probably cake eating. I'm paying the price now. I found that she did get the sample of this book To Good to Leave to Bad to Stay. I think she was reading it last night. Her problem, she's not a reader and so after while she will give up. Probably way before she gets to a place where she could actually see that our marriage relationship one is fine and two she would be happier staying. Not holding my breath here.

[Twofeet]

I said it another thread. Sometimes it seems like the W is DB me.

I was home for lunch and the W showed up. She asked what I was doing tonight. Then said never mind, then said are you meeting a lawyer? I told her really? I would be meeting with a lawyer on a Friday evening? She said you are right never mind I don't need to know what your doing. I said like I told you last night I'm going out with friends. We said our goodbyes and I headed off to work.

This isn't the first time she has approached me about wondering if I'm getting a lawyer. Wonder if I should ask what's up or let it go.