Transparency rules must be acomplished 44. She must agree to go N/C. Stand for yourself there. It´s about respect. You need to be a strong person so feel it: you are a strong person.
Leave the weakness for the waywards (including myself here...)
You can do it man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Can I ask you, Steve, what specifically do you think you neglected to do that could have prevented a repeat 12 years later? I will admit, this is now one of my most prominent fears that holds me back from diving into full recon. I do NOT want to look back and be disappointed in the judgments I make today.
44 great question. And one that I've thought about briefly, but will discuss in depth here as I have thoughts about it.
The first thing I have said is that we didn't deal with our marital problems properly after her first EA. When I caught it, and confronted, she immediately said she didn't want a divorce, and wanted to R. (Note, she was saying this with her lips but her heart was far from it!) I insisted on NC between her and OM. I insisted on complete transparency. Etc.
Other than that, we pretty much went on with business as usual. We didn't deal with our SSM. I didn't work on the anger and resentment I had about her not wanting sex. From Oct. 2005 when I found out about her EA, until Dec. 2017 when I found about her new EA, nothing changed! We never went into MR 2.0 mode. We just carried on with MR 1.0.
So how are things different this time? That might be the better answer.
First, I did a lot of 180ing. I realized that my controlling, angry, bitter, withdrawn existence, where her and my daughter felt they had to walk on eggshells around me had to change. I needed to give up selfishness. I needed to give up fear and lack of risk taking. I had to work on who I was, find out what made me tick, what from my past informed the person I had become.
Second, she had to do a lot of work on herself. She had started to exhibit many of the same traits. After 2006 she started trying to be a W again. But I was resistant to it. There were many times she would prepare meals and I would sit down, lead a prayer of thanksgiving, then eat as fast as I could and not communicate with my W and D at all. Get up, clean my plate, and go back to what I had been doing.
Third, counseling. IC and MC All around. 1 and 2 above are meaningless without an independent, non-biased third party to help discuss, give different perspectives, and essentially kick you in the pants. One of my first counseling session the C asked me why I felt the need to parent my W. She was likewise asked why she viewed me more as a father-figure as opposed to a H and lover. Eye-opening to say the least.
Fourth consistency. We are 10 months past BD. By that time in 2006 I had already started to slip back into some of my poor behaviors prior to the BD 2005. She was very leery that my changes this time were permanent because of what happened in 2006 and following. Again, a lot of that was because of the lack of #1 above. I hadn't done the work.
44, it is also important to realize the natural progression of life and relationships. Even if you both do everything right there are ups and downs. There are pressures and problems. There are temptations in and out. But couple that natural progression, along with aging and the questions that causes us to ask (like her turning 50 and thinking this was her last chance at happiness), with a MR that is diseased, decaying, and/or non-existent, and you can pretty much ensure something happening like happened to us last year.
Due to those natural factors I mentioned, you can never be assured of NOT having a spouse step out of the marriage. Spouses even in good marriages go astray. So there are no guarantees against it. But you can guarantee that one or both will step out of the marriage when that marriage isn't what it should be.
Hope all this helps. AS I just told rose in her thread, there are only two options after BD, a both mean an end to the marriage. The first is MR 2.0. The second is D and moving on separate. If you try to keep MR 1.0 you are only temporarily putting off the inevitable.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, Thanks for sharing that. Thsts kind of what happened to me. Only it was 2 years later. We stopped MC. Therapist actually said we were good and don't have to come back. We never dealt with the affair and healing after it. Also WW never worked on her issues.
Hopefully we do better this time
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
I guess part of the struggle for me knowing where the waywardness stops.
I thought I had answered that question in the past. You will know it is gone when her actions, attitude and words are parallel and she is working harmonious with you every day. I've told you in the past what would be required for her to get to that place, 44, so don't act like you've never read it.
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Can I ask you, Steve, what specifically do you think you neglected to do that could have prevented a repeat 12 years later? I will admit, this is now one of my most prominent fears that holds me back from diving into full recon. I do NOT want to look back and be disappointed in the judgments I make today.
You asked this of Steve, but I'm going to give my thoughts and see if his is any different. If you don't get it right from the beginning...…...I mean, know what it is you require of that woman before ever giving her a chance to "reconcile", or you may face the consequences of an unrepentant woman, who feels no remorse for her actions and who continues significantly in testing her H in very childish and irritating ways for a woman of her age. Plus she continues in keeping private friendships and holds secrets from him (mostly phone messages). Eventually, this activity will lead to another betrayal, if something does not happen to open her harden heart, b/c she was allowed to continue on in the relationship without committing to the M or her H. She refused to cooperate in any type of transparency plan...….or much of anything else. U rthi8nk she tried to get by with one she made up, which of course, gave no reassurances about anything. If I'm wrong, please correct me that she never gave a sincere, humble apology and said she's never to do it again. As for making any progress...…..I suppose that would be determined by you, since you have decided to live with her. However I will say that the good news lately is that she may give consent to see a counselor......so that is encouraging if the right counselor can be found.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
