Some great advice here. Even though the sitch isn't that similar to mine, I found the advice very useful. Hang in there, burned! You and I both just need to grow a pair of balls and man up. We can do it.
Plus there was some stuff that she gave me for S, some dishes and other things she "thought I would need" but mainly didn't want. So I put those in a box and left them on the porch. No longer need them.
Didn't respond to the text, though.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Plus there was some stuff that she gave me for S, some dishes and other things she "thought I would need" but mainly didn't want. So I put those in a box and left them on the porch. No longer need them.
Didn't respond to the text, though.
smacking my head
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Plus there was some stuff that she gave me for S, some dishes and other things she "thought I would need" but mainly didn't want. So I put those in a box and left them on the porch. No longer need them.
Didn't respond to the text, though.
What Im waiting to see is your LEADERSHIP quality. As I mentioned earlier, I would take stock of what I had and what I wanted and proposed to her what YOU want/need for your new place. Instead, you are REACTING to what she is doing. She says "I have things for you on the porch" and within a couple hours, you are there sorting through it. She says jump and you do it right now. I mean, I suppose it's good you didn't reply to the text....but you did so with your actions, so what difference does it make? I think you need to get to a point where you are in control of your own decisions and plans and wants and needs and so on.
As to going dark, I think it's a great TOOL. But by itself, it doesn't really do anything. The point fof going dark is to alleviate pressure on all sides. It prevents you from feeling that constant 'ping' from her and feeling the weight of every word and every interaction. It also frees her from the pressure of your mood and emotion hinging on her every word. It just gives you each the space to breathe and live your lives without dredging up your situation or the thought of your situation. BUT. And this is important. BUT. It doesn't do anything in and of itself. If you don't take the time to grow. To GAL. To become BURNED2.0.....then the going dark is just that. Going dark. It isn't a magical relationship fixer. It is just a tool to add to your toolbelt. So keep your focus on becoming the man you want to be....not just on "being dark".
"I took the coat and things from the porch. Will come back at some point to get the nightstand and bookshelf. I left some things that I no longer need that I thought you might like to have back. I'll let you know what else I need."
Too strong? Definitely not typical of my behavior in the last few months, so it might raise her hackles. I don't really care, because there are some things I do need.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So, yeah, after reading those two big posts, I've gotten myself into a state of true despair and self-blame. Could use a kind word or two, if anyone is out there.
Hey man, hang in there. We've all been there before, and we're all here pulling for you now. The 2 x 4s are because we care... because we've been there, and because hate to see yet another person suffering as we did.
I know. It does $uck. And probably right now you feel worse than you ever have, but you need to start taking stock of the positive, of what you have and what you could have, and start moving forward. One step at a time. It's hard, and sometimes you just want to sit down, or even curl up in a little ball under your covers with the lights out, and cry. (And, fwiw, MWD sez in DB that on occasion it okay to do this to get it out... but your primary, default demeanor has got to be one of moving forward). When i got hit with the BD in my sitch, i already was at sort of in a rock-bottom scenario. My health and fitness level stunk, both my kids had special needs and were at a low point (the one profoundly so due to a very difficult case of Tourette's), my finances were a mess, my marriage was little more than a roommate arrangement (we weren't even really friends) and i had a grand total of two friends who i kept in regular contact with, only one of whom was local. And then my W started an A. With the one friend of mine who was local. Lost, in the same event, my W and my only local friend. And, despite the distance that had grown between my W and i in the MR, the shock of the affair revelation awakened every thing i had previously felt for my W love-wise. It was like i was right back 25 years prior when we had first met, or when i was standing next to her holding her hand when our first baby was born. And then, simultaneously, seeing it all go up in smoke. I was losing not just a wife, but my whole family... the happy family existence i had always hoped for my children and grandchildren. My inlaws, who i loved. All of it. I had nothing. Nothing. Or at least so i thought. So i get what you are feeling, and more. Consider how bad this would hurt if you guys had kids being hurt by this, on top of everything else!
And i get your frustration and despair at having "done the wrong thing":
Quote
2. The day after she said she has "made her decision" and wants D, we talked about how it's now OK to see other people, since the M is ending. We agreed to stay "friends." (I can't go back in time and undo this ridiculousness, much as I wish I could)
5. I've given her everything she has wanted and asked for essentially nothing. On BD I scared her and publicly shamed her. I capitulated each and every time she strong-armed me into getting what she wanted.
Did you see that, in the first serious convo i had with her after BD (actually cant remember if i posted at the time, because i came to the forums and then left for a while, but i think i did), that i offered to "release her from her marriage vows" if she wanted, and also to "Work with the church and do/say whatever was needed to get a valid annulment if she wanted? Not to mention backing off at a (misguided) friend's suggestion when i became angry the first time she went by OM's favorite hangout while out one night with her toxic bff. I also waffled on boundaries (or just had poorly thought out boundaries to begin with), obsessed about what she was saying or doing as opposed to worrying about me, and continually let her suck me in to MR convos, and temp check me, and the like.
But i managed to get things turned around. I started working out like crazy to regain my health and keep myself occupied, found a local establishment i could use for my refuge, and reconnected with an old friend. I was blessed, in a way, that my best friend from college was married to my W's lifelong bff, and that she also had turned into a WW and that they were splitting up. We became each others' sounding board, supported each other emotionally, hung out, etc. He had not long before somewhat miraculously become a born-again Christian after having been a lifelong and devout atheist (If you'd told me to list the people that i though least likely to ever convert and become religious, he would have been at the top) and he got me hooked up with the church i now attend. The services at that church and the long and detailed theological discussions my friend and i had played a huge role in evolving my faith and revealing a number of things to me that had always been difficult to grasp, theologically. It also helped ground me, an provided a backstop... a promise of something better. And i was able to look into the face of my situation and understand that i could survive it, that i could thrive.
And you want to talk about hopeless sitches? I am not sure that you have gone into great detail about how "close" you and your W were in the years leading up to BD, whether or not you were regularly intimate, enjoyed each others' company, etc., but me and my W had pretty much nothing left in common but raising the kids, and those kids were on the cusp of leaving for college. We were no more than roommates... not even really friends..never did anything together anymore that didn't involve the kids, frequently slept apart, hadn't said "ILY" in years or even kissed/hugged each other in the AM leaving for work or in the PM on returning... hadn't been intimate in over, i think, four years, and just a handful of times in the couple of years prior to that. We. Were. Done. On top of that, all my W's friends were in the throes of marital difficulties, and her bff, the person she prolly looked up to and admired the most in the world, was also a WW, living the GGW lifestyle, and was most definitely NOT in the "hoosjim for husband" camp. And yet... somehow things worked out. But the important takeaway from my sitch is NOT that we ultimately got back together despite how hopeless it looked (I am still convinced that that was divine intervention on some level), but, rather, that despite the hopelessness of the situation i took charge of my own life, kept moving forward, and put myself in a position that i was going to survive and thrive WON wife and i finally reconciled. At the time of the final blow-up/confrontation, I was done. With her, the marriage, all of it. And i was cool with that. Our MC said she had been "Waiting for me to get to that point for over a year, now", and that she didn't think we ever had a shot to reconcile until each had had a chance to realize that the other was "done" and to experience what it was really like to completely lose the other. You need to get to that point. Not because it is likely the only way your W ever experiences "losing you" and has a chance to want you back, but because getting to that point will free you to be your own person, with or without your W.
(And, here, i would caution you about drawing too many parallels to my sitch which was, in many ways, unique-- My WW had a lifelong, very strong grounding in her Christian faith, to which she returned and which has helped be a foundation stone for her as she recovers and we reconcile. We also have children, and the idea of "losing" or alienating the children was also a terrifying though for her that, ultimately, she had to face up to. You guys obviously don't have the latter and i don't know about the former. We also obviously stayed cohabitating the entire time, and remained in MC-ing, and were actively engaged from about last July (2017) onward in trying to reconnect socially--- all of which are pretty much contra-indicated by DB-ing and may or may not have actually prolonged the limbo and timeline for us... it's really impossible to know especially since our MR had been SO badly damaged. Finally, i never widely outed my W wrt the affair-- only two people i told were my own bff and another close friend, both of whom i knew implicitly that i could trust to keep the secret, and who i knew would not hold it against my W if we reconciled-- this is obviously not the case in your sitch but, even there, who knows? That dynamic is controversial... there have been people on these boards who believed that the widest possible dissemination of that revelation was the best way to end it and force a move towards reconcilliation. I think every sitch is different, though, in general, i do believe that keeping the road home paved smoothe is probably the better route. But, whatever, point is that things can look pretty BAD, and you can look at your sitch and see all the Eff ups you have made and despair... as i did from time to time... and things can still work out. Prolly the moral of the story is the old reliable straw: You cant control anybody but YOU... so be the best YOU you can be and you will be in as good a position as you could hope to be)
At any rate, you CAN get there. Yes, it stinks right now, and there is no cure for the pain but time. You can shorten that time by taking care of yourself and GAL-ing, but it will still take time. In a lot of ways it is like suffering a death in the family. But you can get better. I daresay my own personal sitch was somewhat to significantly more "hopeless" than yours, but i did manage to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get to it. Just keep moving. We believe in ya!
The one specific piece of advice i would offer here is to find a friend you can confide in. Someone you can trust and tell anything to..,. someone who can fully know your sitch and help support you, etc. I found this invaluable.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
