....because she knows you are judging her or you feel like you are "enabling" her.
Still, being dishonest isn't right. You want to decline taking the girls because you don't want to "enable" spending time with her bf.... that is your right.
But let's go back to your theory of enabling. I think it's kind of important. What do you feel like you are enabling her to do and why does it matter to you what she chooses to do as a single woman?
I obviously haven't said anything to her......all of my processing is currently being done
I told her early on, after I moved her in that I was done being her maintenance man, chauffeur, etc. Then come to find out she had a BF all the time I was helping her.
I then told her I didn't want to know anything about her BF unless it involved the girls. She tried to talk to me about him, tell me about him, asked me if I wanted to meet him, etc.
I guess I just felt like if I continued to do it and allowed her to talk to me about him that you get put into the friend zone and ultimately you get no respect. I was also still processing my own emotions as well.
Did I have plans....."no", would it have been more enjoyable to watch football in peace and quiet..."yes" but if my girls want to come over I am not going to tell them "no"....especially if I am available. However to find out that it was under false pretenses is where I am hung up. I guess though my X doesn't feel comfortable being honest about her BF due to her respecting my wishes of not discussing him. She has not approached me 1 time since that conversation early on about him and I meeting.
I guess enabling comes to my mind when I think about DBing and sticking to a parenting schedule and not enabling her to put you in the babysitter position so she can go live it up. This is what you wanted and I am not their to support you and if something comes up that you want to do sometimes you might not get to do it because that is what happens at times being a single parent. So she calls me, lies to me and gets to go do whatever.
Again it's not about what she is doing or did do it was the pretense it was done under.
So do I hold my ground and still not discuss the BF or do I approach it from a lets work together standpoint because I may have a date and I need you to watch them and I just need you to be honest.
I don't think she is comfortable talking about her BF because I have not made her comfortable to do so but should I make her feel comfortable to do so? I don't know what position is better to be in? Her respecting my wishes which means that she may not be 100% honest or her just being 100% honest and for her to tell me what she has going on and why she needs to me to watch them especially if it involves him.
I would call her out on being honest when asking to watch the girls. Honest in that all she has to say is " can you watch the girls for me on so and so" instead of saying the girls asked to see you.
She just needs to ask, she doesn't need to tell you who what when where or why. Then it is up to you if you want to say yes or no. If you feel like she is abusing it, then say no. If you feel like watching the game in peace, say no. If you want to take the girls, say yes! What she chooses to do with her time is irrelevant. If she chooses to abuse it, it is irrelevant also. All you simply have to do is say "no". You don't have to discuss the BF or anything else. If she wants to go live it up, that's her business. Your only business is if you want to take the extra time if it works for you.
You can certainly ask her to take an extra day or switch a day too if you so desire. Maybe you could ask her if you would like to have a date and not wait a week.
It's up to you how flexible or rigid you want to be.
I don't think you need to make it so that she can discuss her BF with you. You're not her friend. If she's using your boundary about not wanting to talk about BF, unless it involves the girls, to then not be upfront about she needs to see if you can watch the girls, then that's her problem about honesty and you should call it out. I agree with what others have said - she doesn't need to tell you what she's doing with her time, but she needs to be straight about asking you if you can watch the girls or not and not make up some excuse and use your daughters as pawns.
If she doesn't have it in her to ask you straight up, then she needs to get better at that and you not tolerating that kind of nonsense will move her towards that.
I just really hate when people use the kids to lie. It's going to come out at some point.
Thanks....I sent her an email and just told her to ask me going forward and that I would expect the same in return. I also mentioned that yesterday just seemed weird to me also and that I didn't need to know the details.
She responded to my email indicating that her and her BF are back together so maybe I was picking up on that and then she said that it felt like a lot of back and forth yesterday as well. she also said she wasn't making anything up.
I told her that I assumed they were together because the girls had mentioned his dog and that when you asked me to take them early combined with her not going to watch them sing it felt like she wasn't being up front and just asking. I told her I didn't need nor want to know the details but going forward even she felt like it was a lot of back and forth to say something.
she responded with an "understood" and nothing more. So I guess I will see what happens.
I always feel like I'm behind or have missed something when I read your posts. But, maybe it is just me and I'm a crazy person...who knows. I guess the first thing I would say that has already been said over and over is y'all are divorced and you are both grown people, so she doesn't owe you an explanation about anything she does with her time. Just like you don't her any explanations for your time. I also concur with everyone who said despite the fact that she doesn't owe you explanations, lying to you is NOT the right way to go. Just be an adult and be honest....no big deal. However, having said that, it seems to me, just based on what you said, that you have not created an environment where she feels totally comfortable doing that. You have made it clear to her in no uncertain terms you don't want to hear about BF unless it relates directly to your kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from because I had to tell my XH the exact same thing because he kept wanting to tell me all sorts of stuff about the woman he cheated on me with when she became his girlfriend and I was so not interested in hearing any of it. So, if I were in her shoes and you had told me you didn't want to hear it, I would likely be reticent to tell you when things with him came up, if it didn't pertain to the children. Again, lying is NOT good, so not condoning that, just saying I maybe can understand the reason she did it.
Also, no one else mentioned it, but I will because again, I feel like I missed something. You say that one girl is "dead" because there has been no contact from her so you haven't reached out. Then you talk about the blond where there is also no contact currently, but you are going to hang on with her and play the game because that is what you have to do with OLD. HUH?????????? I do NOT get the sense that you are callous, but that kind of comes off that way, IN MY OPINION (and I stress that because I'm NOT trying to speak for you or anyone else). It almost comes across as girl number one is dead to me, but girl number 2 is blond and attractive, so I'm not going to write her off just yet. If that is the case, that is fine, as we have all said before that EVERYONE has a physical "type" that they are attracted to. So, if the blond is the right type for you, by all means, hang in there. But, honestly, I don't think playing games is the way to go. If you are interested, reach out. If you are not, don't....end of story. No need to analyze things to death.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
