I have a very wayward WW. In fact I think maybe I married a crazy person.
I've been chipping away at this post for a few hours now, since around 2 AM. I tried to keep it short. Here are the highlights:
The pattern I discerned is that things improved when WW was NC w/ OM, and things deteriorated quickly at other times. I think the "other times" are times during which she resumed contact w/ OM. Every movement toward R coincides with loss of contact with OM. Every downturn (ILYBNILWY, asking for S, asking for D) coincides with a return to school after a month or two away.
I thought I had busted the A. I now think it's still going. It has now been a year, off and on but mostly on. I stopped talking about the A as recommended by DR. I think maybe WW saw that as permission to continue it.
Her anger is just a giant smokescreen. It shifts blame. She acts the victim. Every statement, every action serves to protect that image she has of herself as a "good girl" who was forced to do what she did. It absolves her of the Catholic guilt. I've been losing weight and sleep because WW wants to feel less badly about herself.
Lie after lie after lie. And then more lies. And then nice words to appease me and keep me docile. Resentment.
My parents were right when they said WW was out the door a year ago.
Steve was right with the monkey swinging from tree to tree analogy. He was also right when he reminded me that WWs rewrite marital history.
AnotherStander was right that I've been her plan B all along.
Hoosjim is right that I've just enabled it every step of the way, in the name of being a nice guy.
Amoafwl, ovrrnbw, neffer -- everyone else is right that I need to GAL.
Davide is right that I definitely don't want to be stuck in this phase. I'm feeling the kind of anger that leads to very, very bad things.
It's taking all of my strength not to go back to the house, tell her everything I've realized, kick her out, dump her on the curb with enough money to survive, and never speak to her again.
I deserve to be treated better. I am not a victim.
How do you forgive this kind of thing? Why do we stand?
Aside from taking a deep breath and going for a long walk...
...what do I do now?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
And then the feeling of, what’s worse, her happy in the arms of another, whether it’s him or someone else? Or her being alone and unhappy?
I think she’s better off with me. Meaning I need her in order to feel good about myself. Or I feel I need to protect her from making bad choices. Meaning I’m not letting her walk her own path. It all comes back to my needs above hers. She was right.
Crazy what you learn from this. I have a lot of work to do...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
"That was a really downbeat way to end the post, so let me add before I go: I repeat-- Your sitch is not, I think, without hope! Not yet, at least. BUT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY GOT TO CHANGE YOUR APPROACH! WRT yourself as well as WRT your W. You, burned, have this in you! But its up to you. Stop being the victim and start making things happen for YOU."
Hoping to get more advice from the grown-ups. Need some encouragement so I can sustain hope.
The question: what else do I have, except filing for D, to show her that I’ll stand up for myself?
If I were more detached I wouldn’t care whether she respects me or not. But at some point, if there’s any chance for R, there has to be respect.
Unless NOT filing for D is a 180 that starts me on a new trajectory toward standing up for what BURNED thinks is right?
All I can think of is that a week ago when I brought up D for REAL, she walked things back a little. Was that a sign to move more in that direction? I have the paperwork. Would a service of process open her eyes? Is that manipulation? Is it pressure/pursuit?
Marathon, marathon. Breathe, burned, breathe.
Also: Led Zeppelin’s “D’yer Mak’er” should be the anti-DB anthem.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Hey burned...I am not up to speed on your sitch, but I see that you are struggling.
I am sure you have received some great advice. I'm gonna try to catch up.
Slow down and breath. It usually isnt as bad as our fears make it out to be.
Have you ever heard, slow is fast and fast is slow? Many times when we are impatient, we rush things and miss many of the details, which causes the need to circle back to revisit them. Again, slow down and breath.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I want to post to you....but it isn’t going to be any different from what I’ve already said.
How are you DIFFERENT now than you were a month ago? How would your M be any different if your W did “wake up”?
Look. YOU shave to do the work now. There is no shortcut or easy button.
Stop focusing on your relationship with her. It’s frankly irrelevant at the moment.
Go out and actually start to GAL. Learn what it’s like to date yourself. Learn what’s important in life to you. Take stock of your priorities, your goals, your dreams. Not for a day. Or a week. But for months. Several. Months.
Until you start taking the advice, the advice is going to remain the same....no matter who you ask.
