I did everything wrong from the start..

[why15]

I really need some support.. I have gone dark and its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.. I have been on this insane ride for 3.5 years and its taking its toll on me.. I have no one to talk to that understands what I am going through except my therapist.. I feel very much alone..

I had to go dark for my own sanity.. the feels that have be on going are overwhelming.. My H is simply not the same person he once was.. and it is because of his sudden personality change that tells me to try and find a way to ride this craziness out..

I blocked him on my phone and email.. I did this to stop anything I might try and send in a moment of weakness ..it has been a full week of absolutely no contact...I have promised myself that I am going dark for 30 days, that I have to do this for myself..

I have to gain some control back of my life.. I have to stop becoming upset over what he is doing... my calendar is full and I am staying busy but this is very hard.

I simply can not wrap my head around all this ..He says he loves her.. he's been with her for 3.5 years . its out in the open and very public..they are now even promoting each others business.. and all I can do is see that they act as if they are married to each other .. but I am here.. I exist.. I am his wife both legally and in the eyes of God...

I simply do not understand how OW can be ok with what she is doing, what she is taking part in..it just all hurts so much ..


The last communication I had with him a week ago he said I needed to stop talking about the situation period..
I needed to stop coming at him and wearing him out.. that he didn't want to hear my "rants" about the fact that he no longer sees me, that he does not initiate contact.. all of which are the truth but he doesn't want to hear it..that if there was ever any chance of any of this turning around that I needed to get on with my life and just stop contacting him... it all sounds great for him.. he just goes on as if I do not exist.. I actually said that to him and I said that he treats me as if he is divorced from me and he said I was crazy..and that If I could just put down my weapons and stay off my phone..


so , its the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have to let go and go dark.. and to do it for no other reason than to save my own sanity.. and even though I know its best for me.. I still pray that it helps somehow in turning this all around..

[ovrrnbw]

The OW probably knows it's wrong. She just doesn't care. People do crappy things, and unfortunately on this site we see it time and time again.

He is clearly feeling some pressure from you, but you do need to change your dynamic from what I hear from you.

I'd do what you're doing as well. You need to break yourself from the habit of talking to him. But I'd be ready for action if I were you. How much can you take? And why is he not making a move one way or the other, after all this time?

[why15]

Thank you ovrrnbw….nothing about OW makes any sense to me.. she is mid 30s, divorced, has a 7 yr.old child, has her own business and does ok financially on her own.. so it makes no sense to me why she would want to involve herself and expose her son to a still married , mid 50s man that is on the down slide of his career ( he lost his high paying job a year after he moved in with her and 90% of what he makes now goes to keeping my lifestyle going..im still in our marital home etc...) he has serious health issues and he is now feeling the financial squeeze of the decisions he has made and he has retirement looking him in the face..

He complained about working so hard, and wanting to down size before he left me...and we had actually started making plans for retiring.. when he left me for her he moved in with her in her 1,300 square foot 2 bedroom condo.. this past the spring they moved into an over 5,000 sq. foot single family home... so if its the simple life he wants he is going in the wrong direction with her it seems.. ohhhh… and she has talked about wanting a baby...( at his age !!!! are you kidding me!!!)

it makes no sense why she would want that in her life..to me their entire relationship spells disaster and yet they are still together at 3.5 years..and there doesn't seem to be any cracks ..

why hasn't he made any moves one way or the other ? I have no idea...he refuses to see me, will not talk to me on the phone and no longer initiates communication with me.. if I say to him " Look , you love her and you want to be with her and you say you are happy with her so it makes sense to divorce so you can truly have a life with her " he gets angry, and starts cursing at me and says the only reason I would divorce him is for revenge and to be vindictive..

this is why I have to back away from him... nothing he is doing or saying makes any sense which at times leads me to question my own sanity..

Going DARK is for me.. it is not to pressure him home, or to manipulate .. he has not changed his address, his mail ( his medical bills, health insurance, credit card statements, any renewals , taxes , anything from his job etc.. ) that all still comes here to our marital home...and up til now I have continued to do as I always did.. I wrote the checks and took care of the bills... this week I took his mail and put it all in an envelope and mailed it to his office..

I did not do this to be mean , manipulate or pressure.. I did it for the simple reason that he is gone and has not lived in this house for 3 years.. I had to ask myself why am I hanging on to this wifely act of paying and taking care of things when he is clearly living with another woman?!?!

So I have gone DARK, sent his mail to him, and I will no longer initiate any contact with him...this is 180 of what I have been doing for 3.5 years …

I am filling my calendar with things to do.. fun things.. I am determined to get out and make new friends.. and even do things I have never done before... basically getting out of my comfort zone..

I still love my H.. I want to rebuild our marriage.. I do not want the marriage we had ( its dead) i want something better .

DB is very hard.. i have not put 100% of my energy into it..i have the momentum now and i need support to continue..

Ovrrnbw, can i ask you to elaborate on " being ready for action" ? are you referring to H and how he may react to the changes i am making? or something else?

you asked me how much i can take .. i am a strong person, and i am not broken in spirit.. so i think i can take a lot..


Thank you for listening ovrrnbw.. and thank you for responding ...

[neffer]

Hi Why, it´s hard to read what you are writing. I´m sorry for your whole sitch. It´s been a long time of hoping and fighting. Imho you need to detach some more so as to protect yourself.

Are you doing IC?

As Gordie says, never is too late to save yourself.

Sending you a big hug

[why15]

I have been reading the threads by Bluwave and I am finding sooo much useful information .. I am not sure if she is still active on the forum but I want to ask her a question …

I read where she described when she finally decided to seriously DB ..GAL, move forward in her life and focus on herself and her kids.. I have had that moment myself but I have a question in regards to letting go..

My H still has personal mail that comes here to our marital home even though he has not lived here for 3 years ..it has been a way to remain in contact but lately I have asked myself why I am holding on to this wifely act when he is openly and very publicly living with OW..

I have asked myself recently if by my paying these bills and dealing with his mail that I am not enabling .. and even allowing cake eating .

He has never changed his address, even though he has moved certain things.. his prescriptions are filled now at the store he shops at with her.. he has a bank account in his name only which he has money from his check deposited into that pays for things that relate to her ( not sure exactly but may be his part of utilities etc.) she goes with him to doctors appointments etc.. but his medical bills come here to our marital home.. he has a debit card for the bank account he uses in regards to living with her but uses our joint credit card to put gas in his truck, his dry cleaning, etc.. and our joint credit card statement comes here to our house as well..

so he has done nothing to really separate finances and at times I wonder if OW even knows this is still going on and that we do in fact continue to have this very real connection..

But I am questioning the good/ harm I may be doing in continuing to deal with his mail... I do not want to be mean , or poke him.. or manipulate .. I see where there could be an up side to me continuing to handle his mail.. its a way to still communicate at times ...but I am wondering if I am being a doormat.. and allowing him to cake eat...

I recently put his mail in an envelope and sent it to his office and please know that I did not do it to force a response.. I am simply going no contact and 180 for my own sanity...

I am just wondering about the things we might continue to do even though doing LRT...

any thoughts on this ?

[neffer]

You need to cut doing those things. He must feel the loss. It´s a way of your H controlling the situation, call it cake eating if you like. Don´t play by his rules. I think your H is abusive to you.

You need to detach and go dark to save yourself. It´s about you now W.

[why15]

You need to cut doing those things. He must feel the loss. It´s a way of your H controlling the situation, call it cake eating if you like. Don´t play by his rules. I think your H is abusive to you.

You need to detach and go dark to save yourself. It´s about you now W.

Thank you Neffer.. this is all so very complicated. I agree that my H is being emotionally and verbally abusive . He was never like this before, this behavior came out in him when he met this OW and his relationship with her was exposed. he was " a nice guy" very laid back, conflict avoidant, a pleaser...never raised his voice to me in over 30 years of marriage never raised his voice to our daughter..

He has a lot going on.. he has an addictive personality, he has issues with alcohol, pornography , and has OCD.. he did at one point tell me that he knew he had demons, and simply didn't know what to do.

he told me that in our marriage he felt lonely, isolated, unloved, and that I and our daughter abandoned him.. he said he has a constant need for affection and attention..he said I yelled at him too much , that I pushed him away too many times..and that I kept him from his family..that I am controlling.

We did everything together, shared hobbies and interests.. but at no time in our marriage did he ever go out with just the guys.. I would encourage him to do that but he never would.. he even had hang-ups about even visiting his family alone.. it was like he had to have someone with him constantly, but that someone had to be me or our daughter..he never had poker night with the guys.. he never just went to a ball game with the guys.. he was always with me or our daughter..and yet he said he felt isolated and lonely...

but at no time did he ever stand up and just go do what he wanted to do.. at no time in our marriage did he ever go and get help for just himself .. he just decided that he was done and went out and found OW and left me for her after knowing her for less than 6 months..

so many of his issues are directly related to trauma in his childhood..i believe that he is not only dealing with MCL but added OCD, a dependency on alcohol and that he is a sex/love addict as well...

even at this point he blames me for everything and will not talk to anyone about what is happening.. he surrounds himself with people that are indifferent and really have no care as to the harm he is doing to himself and our family.

I simply do not understand anything he is doing...I see it as , if he loves OW and wants a life with her then he should honor her and divorce me so there would be no doubt to their relationship.. but as I have said its been 3.5 years with her, there has been talk of a baby, there is a new house, they are promoting each others businesses and basically act as if they are a devoted married couple... and yet here I am , living in our marital home, I am legally his wife, I have full access to our assets, he has made no changes to his employee benefits , wills and trusts are still intact etc.. he is just off living in LALA Land with this 36 year old Latina...

so a week ago I made the decision to go dark for myself...and I haven't heard a word from him...

[why15]

Journaling … I have spent more time focusing on myself as I went DARK with my H .. I am starting to feel some changes in me in every aspect of my life..i am simply not sitting around waiting on him to do something.
it is actually liberating .. I am not as anxious as I was, I am sleeping better, I am not looking at my phone all through the day..i actually get so busy that time has been escaping me..

I am still of the mindset that I want a new and better marriage with my H , but i feel i am no longer waiting around for it to happen at the expense of me simply living life...

I have met some great people and i am out doing things now simply because i want to.. i am having fun, enjoying life..i have been DARK now for 2 weeks and i feel calmer.. my thoughts are racing as they have been for the last 3.5 years..

what a difference it makes when you decide to do something for yourself .. this isn't a fake it til you make it thing now.. i just let go of H.. i still love him.. i would still like to have a marriage with him.. but im not chasing him anymore, Im not wondering what he is doing 24/7..im not planning my day around hoping he will contact me..

[why15]

After 2 weeks of backing off and focusing on myself my H initiated contact this morning...I am being honest when I say my emotions have been all over the place this morning..

I had a fairly good week in that I kept busy , got a lot of things done.. spent time with family and friends, went to a concert last night.. ive been less anxious … no spying at all... no checking my phone.. so it was alittle jarring to see his name on my phone rather early this morning..

He started out with a greeting using my pet name ...then sends another text 5 minutes later saying... he is thinking about buying a used SUV ( he gave me the $ amount he is thinking about spending and how much he thinks a payment would be) then went into this long explanation as to why he needs it ( he wants to use it for his business travel to keep the miles down on his truck and it would be cheaper on gas, and an SUV is easier to get in and out of due to his bad back ) he told me how many miles he now has on his truck and that he is just letting me know that he needs to do something..

Now I haven't initiated contact with him , and in fact I have backed off .. so there has been no R talks, no assumptions about OW, no accusations about what he is doing etc.. I HAVE BEEN AS SILENT AS THE GRAVE....I have been focused on myself and just having a normal life here in our home and doing things that are fun and make me happy.. so I have this text from him this morning that has me pausing.. at first when I saw it I thought " he is thinking about me right now " so I was happy with that .. then he sends the next text about this SUV and i start thinking " he is baiting me , I have been silent and he is putting something out there to get me to react and come at him" so I start to feel angry...Then i start feeling confused.. why is telling me all this when a month ago he told me what he does is none of my business.. that he left me and is with someone else ( he's been with her for 3.5 years but hasn't filed for divorce ) a month ago he was calling me every name in the book...

I am reading DB & DR.. i am backing off.. i am keeping a journal and i am coming here to post..

the complaints he has about our marriage are that i was controlling , i was critical of too much, i yelled at him too much, i treated him like a child, i acted more like his mother than his wife, i pushed him away "intimately " too many times. I didn't like his family and therefore i kept him from them, he felt lonely and isolated and he felt abandoned by me.. so he left me because he couldn't take it anymore..

Since he left me my reactions to anything he would do have been to come at him, to rant, blow up his phone expressing my feelings..etc…. so i think it is a HUGE shift that even though i cycled through many emotions this morning i kept them to myself and did not respond to him..i took control of me.. i felt all my emotions, i had every thought possible ( negative and positive ) but kept them to myself.

i have not responded to him, as i feel there really is no reason for me to.. he made a statement , he is thinking about doing something and he is letting me know.. why he is telling me only he knows..if it was to reach out to me as his wife.. then i listened to what he is thinking and made no comment .. i am respecting his thoughts and his opinion ..and if it was to bait me , to either see if i am going to come at him, argue with him , accuse him of doing something in regards to OW or flat out tell him what he can or can not do...… then i didn't take the bait..i held myself in check, felt my emotions, had my thoughts...