I remember asking her a lot if she would like to live separate, just date, and get to know each other and see where things go, as long as there was no om. The answer was often, ill have to think about it, maybe, or we will see. Odd now to me that it must have felt good for her to be able to pick and choose at will when she would have contact with me or not. I remember hanging on to every little scrap she would throw me and eat it up. And I just thought we were getting along.
You two weren't there yet. These questions constitute an R talk. There are reasons for these rules. We all want results without working the process. It just doesn't work that way.
You are doing things that work now. Keep doing them. Remove the pressure. She will change. Detach. GAL Do it.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Today marks 2 weeks of strict DB. Yesterday was weird. (but in reflection is actually normal behavior for her, that I would usually try to supplicate with apologies and promises of making it better.)
She comes to pick up the kids. I'm just finishing getting ready for work. I'm putting my light happy joking face on.
But not just for her, been trying to get back to that at all times around everyone. Because I refuse to be the sad miserable depressed person I have been for the last decade. I want to emulate the confident, easy going guy I was when I was 18-22.
Anyways, I joke with her a bit, nothing to serious, I'm finishing my coffee and shes telling me about how work is picking up and how its relieved some stress for her financial situation, I just say that's great for her. Then she starts on about her step mom leaving her a note in her mailbox (they had a falling out about a month ago, because the step mom called her out on what shes been doing, she had seen it at the bar she works at) telling her how shitty a person she is and a bad wife and how she just runs from all her problems and is irresponsible etc etc etc. The water works start coming as she normally does.
I really didn't know how to respond, because I would normally hug her, say how horrible it is for her to talk to her like that, tell her its ok, how can I help. But I ended up keeping my distance, telling her that it was definitely a bad situation and that I didn't know why they where treating each other like that.
She stopped the tears almost instantly and got really cold. I decided to leave at that point and said to tell the kids I loved them and said goodbye.
She called me about 15 minutes later while im driving and started screaming at me about not doing any of my daughters homework. About how its irresponsible and how she doesn't understand why I couldn't just do it like a good father. I just straight up said I didn't like the way she was talking to me and that we could talk about it later, said goodbye and hung up.
She called about 15 minutes later again! And started going off about how she couldn't find my sons diapers anywhere and started crying on the phone about having to tear the house apart looking for them and how she didn't need this stress in her life and how it was my fault. Again I just said, I didn't know where they were and that I was busy, said goodbye and hung up.
Around 5pm she texts me "I wanted to apologize for freaking out on you this morning. I understand youre going through a lot and the homework is really tedious, I'm just worried about her" I replied, ''I hear what you are saying, and I am worried about her too. I just don't appreciate the tone you took. It is disrespectful to me.'' She replied '' Again, I apologize, I hope you have good night.'' Me ''I hope you do too'' end of conversation and she hasn't talked to me since.
Hoping I did well with my responses. I felt a little hard line once she started with the emotional swings, but I think it was necessary.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Today marks 2 weeks of strict DB. Yesterday was weird. (but in reflection is actually normal behavior for her, that I would usually try to supplicate with apologies and promises of making it better.)
She comes to pick up the kids. I'm just finishing getting ready for work. I'm putting my light happy joking face on.
But not just for her, been trying to get back to that at all times around everyone. Because I refuse to be the sad miserable depressed person I have been for the last decade. I want to emulate the confident, easy going guy I was when I was 18-22.
This is awesome! That is the right attitude. Depression is not always a choice, but sometimes it is. We choose to be miserable instead of focusing on all of the many blessings that we enjoy and should be thankful for. Great 180!
Originally Posted by Shrike
Anyways, I joke with her a bit, nothing to serious, I'm finishing my coffee and shes telling me about how work is picking up and how its relieved some stress for her financial situation, I just say that's great for her. Then she starts on about her step mom leaving her a note in her mailbox (they had a falling out about a month ago, because the step mom called her out on what shes been doing, she had seen it at the bar she works at) telling her how shitty a person she is and a bad wife and how she just runs from all her problems and is irresponsible etc etc etc. The water works start coming as she normally does.
I really didn't know how to respond, because I would normally hug her, say how horrible it is for her to talk to her like that, tell her its ok, how can I help. But I ended up keeping my distance, telling her that it was definitely a bad situation and that I didn't know why they where treating each other like that.
She stopped the tears almost instantly and got really cold. I decided to leave at that point and said to tell the kids I loved them and said goodbye.
Missed opportunity here. This was a perfect opportunity to validate. "Wow, I can really understand how that would make you feel." Read the validation thread and be ready for the next opportunity.
Originally Posted by Shrike
She called me about 15 minutes later while im driving and started screaming at me about not doing any of my daughters homework. About how its irresponsible and how she doesn't understand why I couldn't just do it like a good father. I just straight up said I didn't like the way she was talking to me and that we could talk about it later, said goodbye and hung up.
Perfectly handled. Next time you can also point out that you will not tolerate her being disrespectful.
Originally Posted by Shrike
She called about 15 minutes later again! And started going off about how she couldn't find my sons diapers anywhere and started crying on the phone about having to tear the house apart looking for them and how she didn't need this stress in her life and how it was my fault. Again I just said, I didn't know where they were and that I was busy, said goodbye and hung up.
Here was another opportunity to validate. You didn't handle this poorly but you could have validated her feelings. Remember, no need to shut things down unless she is being disrespectful. Blaming you in and of itself isn't disrespectful as long as she isn't shouting or attacking you. Remember, VALIDATE.
Originally Posted by Shrike
Around 5pm she texts me "I wanted to apologize for freaking out on you this morning. I understand youre going through a lot and the homework is really tedious, I'm just worried about her" I replied, ''I hear what you are saying, and I am worried about her too. I just don't appreciate the tone you took. It is disrespectful to me.'' She replied '' Again, I apologize, I hope you have good night.'' Me ''I hope you do too'' end of conversation and she hasn't talked to me since.
Hoping I did well with my responses. I felt a little hard line once she started with the emotional swings, but I think it was necessary.
Very well handled with her apology! YOU validated ("I am worried too") and you got in the thing about not tolerating disrespect.
Overall, I give you a solid A-! Good job.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, I have always struggled to validate. Something I have been improving on the last few years. It is especially difficult to do when I am not really feeling it with her, and even more so when I am angry, which I was.
Finding it difficult today to not let thoughts of OM xyz pop into my head. Same with thoughts of guy's I thought were friends asking her out on dates the moment they found out she singled herself up. Hurts a lot. Being bored at work does not help.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Had a pretty long post that I somehow deleted. Going to just try and summarize. apologies for the punctuation. Dark thoughts going to dark places in my head this evening.
Lots of anger on my way to get kids. Had to just sort of scream it out in the car.
Had an extremely difficult time getting into happy mode trying to ''chit chat'' with her. Backslid a lot on my attitude.
she talked mainly about the kids and trying to help my daughter with homework. i think shes done homework with her only a handful of times in 4 years. said shes cooking for them again.
sometimes it feels like shes db'ing me or mirroring my attitude. definitely seems like she is closing me out more and more over the last 2 weeks. is this just the natural conclusion our relationship was meant to take. Seems like a waste of a decade.
anyway i think she could tell the mood i was in and decided to leave, she said see you later and gave me this really weird look as she left.
feeling like i bombed that conversation and that she is taking tally. more of the same old angry emotionally suppressed me. It bothers me deeply that I cannot hold myself together during these small interactions and that they are really important. May not have many more.
is it normal to flip between so many different emotions so fast. its sadness, anger, disgust, love repeating itself in my head over and over.
with lack of funds and having my 1 year old almost every night, its extremely hard to get any sort of life. i want to take them to sport events or anything really, but the city im in is so spread out it takes forever to get anywhere and he usually has to be in bed around 730-8. Feeling very stuck right now. physically, mentally, emotionally. like a messed up fish bowl limbo.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
I am angry because the woman I love has chosen a path in life separate from me, and I have no control over it. It is okay to feel anger. The anger itself is not the issue, it is what you do with the anger you feel. You can choose to ignore it and stuff it down, but this could end up making it come back even more powerful the next time. If you accept your emotion, and find a healthy way of coping with it, then it loses its power over you and you can healthily detach from it when you need to.
I accept that I am angry and that I cannot make someone love me. I am coping with it by using breathing exercises and trying to observe the feeling from a zoomed out view of myself. To see the whole issue and get a better picture of it. This is but a moment in the timeline of my life and if I look back I can see all the GOOD along with the bad. If I look ahead, I can imagine all of the GOOD that is coming. These feelings are temporary and will pass. This time of my life does not determine who I am, it does not have control over me.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Use it wisely to make positive changes in other parts of your life. That will make you feel better.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
It is very very normal to have these emotional swings. You are going through one of the most trying experiences humans can have. It sounds like you are doing things right. Keep it up!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Her: I dont think I can give you what you want right now. Me: what is it you think I want? h:all of me, physically and emotionally, I mean physically I can give you what you want no problem lol, but emotionally no. Commitments no. What do you want exactly m: right now, i just want to set boundaries, im not ok with all of this, its volatile isnt it? h: thats entirely up to you? m: yeah, I get that. I guess then i dont really want anything from you. I want you to go through whatever you are going through and come out the other side a better person. I know you've been struggling with yourself for years. Just as I have been struggling with myself. h: thats probably the most encouraging thing you've said to me. I have definitely been struggling and its ongoing, but I feel like im working on it. I hope you like the person I am after its all said and done? I also hope we can reconcile after we've actually made positive changes? not just superficial ones m: what exactly does reconcile mean to you? i think you need to face your inner issues alone, because I will get in the way if i tried to be there for you.
then she didn't text me back and I assume that was too much pressure from me.
this morning, when she was picking up the kids, I could tell she was avoiding the conversation. I didn't try to push it, but she asked why I was being so quiet. I said, because she never answered the question. then she said it could mean lots of things really, ''i feel like we have sort of reconciled already'' I said ''no, we just haven't been fighting'' she said, ''oh, well it could just mean that in the future we have a new relationship or even a friendship.'' I said ''no, it doesn't mean friendship to me'' she just laughed and said ''oh just the one thing then'' I said'' maybe, just the one thing, who know's. I ended it there and said i hope she had a good day and I would see her later to get the kids.
This stuff is difficult. I wasnt feeling down or out, felt pretty positive and confident. i kept it calm and was sure of myself in my answers, even if I was unsure if they were the right things to say.
Oh well, new day!
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
I know you want answers. I know what it's like to want someone to tell you what the conversations mean. Don't trust what you hear. All I take from this is that she doesn't want you to hate her. Typical WAW stuff.
Quote
m: yeah, I get that. I guess then i don't really want anything from you. I want you to go through whatever you are going through and come out the other side a better person. I know you've been struggling with yourself for years. Just as I have been struggling with myself.
You saw a positive response from this. That's because you relieved the pressure. Continue to remove any pressure.
You're still trying to skip steps. These aren't optional. If they were, we would all skip steps. Go back and read Sandi's rules. Listen and validate. Show her that you plan to move forward with or without her.
This will not change until you do these things.
Last edited by RR17; 09/20/1806:39 PM.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
