I want to say that I don't disagree with you Ginger, however, there is so much more to this story than that. He never has laid a hand on my son since then. I am not against spankings, but my husband is more for them than I am if that makes any sense. He pretty much believes spanking is the only way. This put a huge strain on our marriage. Among many other things. He will text his ex (his D's mother) and it will be an all day, maybe 2 day, texting convo. Now I'm not talking a text every couple of hours I'm talking about constant... Hundreds of texts between the two of them. When they talk on thr phone he will go in another room or even leave the house for a couple hours to talk. When I ask what they were talking about I get "oh she wants to switch weekends" or something like that. But then my thought is "it takes that long to talk about switching a weekend?" But I never get more than that. If I press the issue he gets angry, so I leave it alone because he is very mean when he is angry. The last time I ever asked what they were talking about, he told me it was none of my business. This wreaked havoc on my insecurity. For 3 years I have pretty much just kept all of my feelings to myself because I realized pretty quickly they didn't matter to him. He told me my feelings are wrong, as are my rhoughts and opinions, all the time. If he was upset about something and I asked about it, he would either flip out or tell me he was gonna leave if I didnt leave him alone (and sometimes he would just leave). I am just so lost and confused here. I saw a lawyer the other day. He said he wanted to make it clear to me that this is not a "me" issue this is a "him" issue and he believes there is a mental illness of some sort by the way he is treating us. He has not spoken a word to me or my son since Aug 7th. He never comes out of the basement unless it is to get some food or use the bathroom. If he looks at me it is with absolute disgust, or he yells at me for something.
There is a huge difference between parental corporal punishment and abuse. Spankings fall into the former not the latter. Though many of the societies in our world today have confused the two. That being said, step parents SHOULD NEVER be the ones to administer corporal punishment. That should be left to the natural parents.
The texting between him and his ex is problematic. Have you ever asked him to show you these text conversations? People with nothing to hide will hide nothing.
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For 3 years I have pretty much just kept all of my feelings to myself because I realized pretty quickly they didn't matter to him. He told me my feelings are wrong, as are my rhoughts and opinions, all the time. If he was upset about something and I asked about it, he would either flip out or tell me he was gonna leave if I didnt leave him alone (and sometimes he would just leave).
This is extremely problematic. This is gaslighting AND abusive.
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I am just so lost and confused here. I saw a lawyer the other day. He said he wanted to make it clear to me that this is not a "me" issue this is a "him" issue and he believes there is a mental illness of some sort by the way he is treating us. He has not spoken a word to me or my son since Aug 7th. He never comes out of the basement unless it is to get some food or use the bathroom. If he looks at me it is with absolute disgust, or he yells at me for something.
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Why are you tolerating that? Why aren't you telling him you will not tolerate being disrespected. When he starts yelling walk away. If he continues yelling to into the bathroom.
So Jaimers, what are you trying to save here? This sounds like a terrible marriage, one you should be running away from faster than light. He will either wake up and want to change, or he won't. But until he does you should be trying to get him out of your life. We often tell posters they have to let them go in order to get them back. You are one of the rare cases where I will see you need to kick him to the curb to get him back. Until you start respecting yourself you can't expect him to respect you.
Have you considered asking him to leave? Filing for D and having him served? Etc?
Last edited by Steve85; 09/19/1807:21 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The texting between him and his ex is problematic. Have you ever asked him to show you these text conversations? People with nothing to hide will hide nothing.
I have....he flipped out and old me I have no right to look through his phone, and that it is none of my business what he talks to her about - and then accused me of trying to control who he talks to. I tried to explain to him that I have never said he cannot talk to her or to anyone but that I would like to know why he has to talk to her so often and for so long, He shut me down there too - screamed at me "THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE ASKING, STOP IT! I DON'T BUY IT!" There was a lot of cussing in there and a lot more yelling (by him, not me - I just sat there and took it)
Originally Posted by Steve85
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Why are you tolerating that? Why aren't you telling him you will not tolerate being disrespected. When he starts yelling walk away. If he continues yelling to into the bathroom.
So Jaimers, what are you trying to save here? This sounds like a terrible marriage, one you should be running away from faster than light. He will either wake up and want to change, or he won't. But until he does you should be trying to get him out of your life. We often tell posters they have to let them go in order to get them back. You are one of the rare cases where I will see you need to kick him to the curb to get him back. Until you start respecting yourself you can't expect him to respect you.
Have you considered asking him to leave? Filing for D and having him served? Etc?
I am not sure what I am holding on to. I think my self esteem has gone down the toilet over the years, from always being told I don't do/say/think/feel anything right? It's just so hard, I thought everything was fine, we were fine, it's not like there was a big fight or something, he just literally told me one day he was 'done with me' - via text message no less. I get no real explanation - I mean he gives a reason sometimes, but it is always something different.... and never anything really tangible if that makes any sense. I just thought things were fine, but then one day he just cut my heels out form under me. I know I need to leave.. I am afraid. I feel so worthless, I feel like I deserve this. He keeps telling me this is all my fault, and/or my son's fault - depends on the day.....
I guess I was reading all this divorce busting stuff and thinking that it solidifies what he is saying to me; that I am wrong and I need to change...?
Oh, and he threatens to leave and let the house go into foreclosure (cuz he knows I can't afford it) and then the next day he will say I can stay here at least until school gets out so I don't have to throw my son into the turmoil of this mess, then another day he will tell me I have a month to pack my [censored] and get out or he will throw me out....it goes on and on and on. So I DID tell him to leave one day when he was again threatening to let the house go into foreclosure and yada yada yada. I said "you know, you're right, you probably should leave - this is a bad situation, please just go" then he flipped out and screamed "WHY THE **** SHOUD I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT BEING AROUND ME?!?!"
Your self esteem is so low because you are being abused! Because abusers grind down your self esteem so you think you can’t leave. So you think it’s you.
You are in a very abusive situation and you need to go so far away with your son. There is a spanking and then a beating that has gone “too far” but a stepparent that says he hates your child. That isn’t discipline. That is physical and emotional abuse.
Get you and your son OUT. NOW.
This board generally is for marriage saving, EXCEPT in the cases of abuse and your case is clear cut. Go to a shelter. NOW. Before it’s too late!!!!
I'm so sorry you are here and for your sitch. It is very hard to feel stuck and to feel so low and hopeless in life. No one deserves this. No one.
I agree with the others tho. This is not a situation you can save. I say that without judgment of anyone's characters, but with sadness for you. Everything you are describing, including the ignoring, is abuse. You are basically defining what abuse is and how you feel is the result. You are a victim, however you are also the only other adult in this equation, and the children are powerless. They need to be removed from this sitch ASAP.
This is incredibly damaging to you and your son, and also to his daughter for having to whitness this. Please, please gather as much support as you can and end this. There is a better life ahead for you and your son and you will get there in time. Just be careful and smart about your exit.
It isn't your responsibility to save your H or make him happy, ever. It is time to take care of yourself and your son and you start by letting go of the idea of your H and seeing the reality of him.
I wish you the best.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My heart goes out to you and your son. Please figure out an exit strategy. I am concerned for the safety.
Do you have family that can help remove you from this situation? Maybe someone you can live with while you get on your feet. Your son needs and deserves your protection.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have read your complete thread and have been shaking my head over the postings. Your h sounds very much like a controlling, manipulating and abuse person. You may love the person he was at one time, but this is not the man you knew or did you? You can't change him and his behavior, but you can change yourself and the way that you are looking at things.
While living under the same roof, you are far too close to your situation. Unless he is willing to see help, it may only get worse for you and your son. The tension and stress in your household has to be terrible. Are you seeking professional counseling to help you deal w/what is going on? Have you considered going to a support group for abused individuals?
I know you don't want to hear what we are posting...but until you seek help to save you and your son, the situation will not change. Oh, he may step back for a bit....until he's got you right back into his little world and he'll do the same things over and over again until someone seriously gets hurt.
Do you know anything about his first marriage? What about his childhood? You need to understand, YOU and YOUR SON are not the problem...he is. I do not generally advise people to walk away, but in this case, you need to run as fast as you can to a safe place and allow him to stew in his own pot for a while. You have to save YOU! If the marriage is meant to be, he will do the hard, necessary work of seeking professional help. It is not your job to make him happy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
