Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[why15]

Question: Do the relatives of midlife crisis sufferers ever notice their changes the way the left behind spouse does? Or is that what the covert depression is, where it's all hidden except toward the spouse.

I cant answer as to what "relatives" see.. I know my Hs family know my H and I are not divorced nor legally separated. they know I want to save our marriage and this has been going on for 3 .5 years .. they have opened their doors to OW, My H takes OW to visit them and are there for Hoildays, birthdays etc.. his family provide a bedroom for my H and OW to sleep in under their roof... and they all claim to be Christians.. I want them to love their brother ( my H ) and be there for him but embracing OW is going to far.. they as Christians are encouraging and promoting an open and public act of adultery .. his family have hurt me more than they will ever know..i do know that trying to talk to his relatives has done no good in my case..

[Jlh]

Hi why15, thanks for your reply. 3.5 years?? How are you holding up?? Since I've finally understood how to "let go and let God, some days I am a mess and others are better. That's ridiculous that they are opening up to OW like that when you both are not divorced or legally separated. My mother-in-law helped my H get some clothes and a bed into his apartment for our son when H first left the house. She helps him with food since he has chosen to spend our money unwisely. I know we're not supposed to discuss this stuff with family so I've never bothered.

I haven't gotten along with the MiL in the past but I've been working on me and opening more to people and growing (I've been told I have a change on my attitude from some others which made me happy.) But I called her to have our son say happy birthday to her and she was thrilled and ended up talking to me for over an hour. Shes very loud and chatty so she did most of the talking. She threw in some snarky hints regarding "how I treated the family" and "you cant just turn on and off good attitude." I chose to ignore the comments. I know she doesn't believe me on the better attitude but I'm not out to convince her of anything.

Anyway, I was just asking about the possible relatives noticing a difference, because a good friend of ours has certainly noticed how he's all over the place in conversations about anything close to me or the marriage, or else shuts down immediately, my mom had spoken to him way in the beginning of this and noticed he didn't seem himself. Yet apparently his own mom doesn't seem to notice. I've been told that MLCers can mask this stuff so I wasn't sure if maybe that was it. I dunno, I can't change anyone but myself, this was all just curiosity really. I don't plan on calling MiL any time soon again unless there are any emergencies.

[Jlh]

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this from a walkaway spouse but it seems to be a thing where if I do a step to go dark, H will do it after me and it's almost like an "I can do that too..."

An example is last weekend, I gave my son a huge hug and told him that I wouldn't be calling him that night and to give me a big hug goodnight before he left. Well I told H that I wouldn't be calling them all weekend like we normally do to say goodnight to our son when he is at either of our places. I see our son way more than H does and I know he'd be okay so I was going dark more for me. Well this weekend H has done the exact same thing but normally when he cant call he texts to let me know but I heard nothing. Our son hasn't asked about his dad not calling but I was just curious if this is one of those immature "teenage" snit fit kind of things I hear MLC spouses can do when they aren't in control.

[Jlh]

So tired of waking up to the feeling of anxiety. I had to just make a face a few days ago when H told me that he didn't call to say goodnight to our son as he usually does because he "didn't want to bother him". What the heck is that? He's his son, hes certainly not going to bother him. Part of me wonders if he meant me but I'm trying not to think about it. Now that school is back in session for the kiddo I signed up for some volunteer work and a friend asked me to help her with her house painting. I accepted and it'll be good to get out and do stuff for me.

H is suddenly in a quiet, thoughtful almost sad looking state when he comes over now and I haven't asked what that's about, although he did actually come into the living room for once instead of hiding on the steps to wait for our son on his "dad days". I spoke quickly a week ago honestly and told him that I was letting him go so he could go be happy, and ever since then he's been off. It came out before I could think about it.

[SteveLW]

jlh, don't worry about it. Give him the time and space to work out his own stuff.

Personally, I am a big fan of the of "I am letting you go" discussion with WASs/WSs. I know that my saying that to my W had a pretty profound effect on her. She went from cold and distant to sad and worried. Especially since my actions after that SHOWED that what I had said was true. Once I went from pressure and pursuit to moving onward and upward, her thinking started to shift from wanting out to being worried about what she stood to lose.

So yes, if he believes you are moving on more than likely you will see some changes. 180s have an effect on the WAS. Just remain consistent.

[Jlh]

Steve this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It feels like something shifted with him but I'm not pressing it from him or anything. He actually came into the living room yesterday rather than hiding by the stairs waiting for our son and there wasn't a strange look of fear when I mentioned talk of a back to school night where that the school is encouraging families to go to together. I'm GALing as much as I can right now and rereading Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting, it's just so tough some days. Distracting and being out of the house definitely helps.

[Jlh]

During our son's drop-off back to the house, I noticed that H doesn't look me in the eye. It's a bad weekend so I was feeling low. I'm fighting hard have patience and "let go" so I can take care of me. I do okay when I'm keeping busy or out of the house, but I can't get used to him not looking me in the eyes when we talk. It's almost like he's afraid of me. We we're quiet after making some conversation about our son but then it was a little awkward.

I hate this MLC stuff and wish it would hurry up and go away but I know it's a process he has to go through. Sometimes I want to ask him things but I know it will spook him so I keep the conversations casual and only about our son.

I know I'm bad at DBing but I've been good with not chasing him with questions. I did have a good cry after he left. I miss him so much. I told him I was letting him go to go be happy but he does not look happy at all, and I know I'm not, every since I started to move toward "letting go to let God" I feel empty and sad. I know it's for the best but I'm scared this will push him away. I know the books say to have faith in the process but it's hard sometimes.

[Jlh]

So today I had a job interview for work during midday hours at the nearby elementary school. Later I had a back to school night at my son's school where I signed up to be a room mom as well as an at home volunteer for when the teacher needs help with projects. I'm also an art show volunteer.

H didn't want to go saying that he would just be chasing our son all over while I did the talking to teachers. I didn't push it and later made it known that it was a quiet classroom while talking to the teacher. He looked remorseful for missing out. I also watched his face fall, yet he looked intrigued, when I mentioned my job interview and school help. he never asked and I never offered any other info on it all.

He left looking like a beaten dog with his head down and it hit me that I'm happier than he is! I mean, I feel like a mess but I'm happier than he is. He can't say that I'm bringing him down because I'm bettering myself for me. I'm the one working on myself and being happy step by step.

It stinks that he needs to work his way out of his tunnel of hell but there's nothing I can do for him and I think I get it now. I can only take care of me and help myself grow. If he comes back and wants to join me again, that's another story but for now I realized that hes the one miserable and it seems to show more and more, like he can't hide it as much like he used too. That's why he can't or wont look at me and that's why he runs, because I'm getting my act together and growing. I wonder how badly it hurts midlife people to see their spouses growing and moving forward without them while they're stuck in their misery.

So there's my eyes opening. I'm sure tomorrow or the next day I'll feel blue and miss him, but I know now that its not me who was the misery in our home now that I'm growing more and more.

[Jlh]

So like clockwork after he left the house with his tail between his legs last night, he sent me an email this morning talking about divorce papers and the whole email made no sense. Lots of "I'm sorry" and the whole thing just sounds like he doesn't want to do it yet he included the paperwork for me to look over before we go over anything final. He even mentioned how he didn't talk to me in person over all of this to spare emotions.

It's just insane, he never once talked to me about any of the paperwork and info regarding plans for our son and home and whatnot yet says he did it all to spare our emotions. I'm at a loss for words.

I replied back telling him that not once has he talked to me in person about any of this other to say he's done and run off quickly in April. I told him we need to communicate for our son because we will be still talking to each other as we raise him for many more years to come, he can't just run and hide and not talk to me. There is no communication at all from him, he just hangs his head in shame and hides yet on the phone he's chattier to me. I just have no words.

[Jlh]

Is it considered cake eating when your spouse leaves the house, yet chats it up happily over the phone to ask what me and our son did together for fun. I don't think I should keep him filled in on our fun times together since H left us and the house. I don't know if I should just tell him flat out that I want to keep conversations about our son strictly business or just do it and let him figure it out on his own.

Also he came over a few nights ago to talk after just emailing me paperwork and then not wanting to discuss it verbally or in person. He uses email and text to discuss this important stuff yet runs when I want to discuss it in person like an adult. I know it's not part of detaching but I asked him to come over to discuss this paperwork he has. He cried and was teary eyed the entire talk telling me how he looks at pictures and wishes we could be like the better times again. He says he left the house so quickly because the house only reminds him of how he hurt me so badly. He admitted that he has some porn addiction thing going on. He seems to be in a very bad place and needs some help. He says he's done grieving his brother who passed away last year at this time and hes not addicted to porn and he's fine. He also told me that he works and sleeps and that's about it. He tells me that he has no more feelings for me yet he's crying and wishing for things to be better again as he looks at pics of us he has at his place. He looks miserable, hair needs a cut, he needs to shave, etc. He told me that he has no OW and it's only him. The next day as he picked up and dropped off our son in the evening, he seemed lighter and smiled more, even stopping to play with the cat.

But yesterday when he called to say goodnight to our son, he was very grumpy with me when I asked him to come over to look at our son's broken headboard. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about it and he had any excuse to not come over. It was for his kid, not me.

I'm seeing a lawyer this week to go over the paperwork and see what it all entails. I have questions on moving forward as well without him.