We still haven’t spoken - I’m avoiding him as I am really cross about last weekend and when we talk it needs to be about practicalities - kids, money, house etc.... He was home from work earlier than me and (unusually) cooked the kids tea and cooked me something (I declined). I didn’t want to ‘play happy families’ as he put it. He has now gone out to a concert. I had a lovely evening with the kids making popcorn and watching some tv tonight.
Any experiences of in house separation?
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Need advice - this might sound petty, hence I’m putting it here...
So, still haven’t spoken to H. He came home from work and not bothered with the children and he’s lying on the sofa watching tv. I cooked the kids and myself tea - eldest was helping out at an event so saved her some food for later plus a portion for my work lunch. Came back from taking younger ones to cub scouts and H has just helped himself leaving only just enough for daughter. I told him I would not be cooking for him after last weekend. He cherry picks the parts of married life he wants - should I tell him again I am not cooking for him or is that pathetic?
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Still not spoken! He went out yesterday evening to meet with a friend and came back today. I have kept busy with kids, went for a run. A cooked a meal and he has the cheek to join us! And we still don’t speak and he didn’t say thanks. I am away overnight tomorrow. So will be out of this weird environment. I just don’t get it - cake and eating it?
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
What are your boundaries? You keep saying that you are not okay with the current situation, but are you ready to ask him to move out, or ask him for a divorce? If there are no consequences for not respecting your boundaries he will keep doing what he is doing. He gets to live at home, eat your food, be with the kids when he wants, but also just take off and "climb mountains" whenever he wants. It's win-win for him.
I'm not an expert in in-house separations but it sounds absolutely brutal as you have to deal with him and his selfish behavior on a daily basis. As much as I have hated the 5 month separation from my W, I feel like the distance has allowed me to detach more and focus on myself. I would imagine that you would reach a point where you would simply prefer not to have him in the house, and then the decision becomes clear.
Good luck!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I have asked him to leave. He won’t. I spoke to his mother and he could stay there temporarily. I can’t make him move out as we co- own the house. I have told him I will not do his washing. I have told him I am only willing to talk about practicalities of house, kids, finances. The only thing I can do is act like he’s not here! I am not in a position to leave myself with 5 children. I have sought some free legal advice and it seems we could do a legal separation agreement although we are in the same house, but will cost money (that I haven’t got).
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Three weeks have passed and we still haven’t spoken. Only by texts. He comes and goes as he pleases with a text as he’s leaving. He does minimal jobs around the house. He isn’t eating with us. He comes home from work and just watches tv etc... but I run around doing everything. We work similar hours but he leaves before me but is home before me - if he comes home.
Last weekend it was my birthday so I took the children to the seaside to meet family he didn’t come. He didn’t wish me a happy birthday at all. I am running more, doing yoga, made plans to see friends but him coming and going as he chooses is very difficult to manage and make plans for me. I am trying to gal. I am on the edge of going crazy with him. I am stuck - I can’t go anywhere with 5 kids and I can’t make him leave - although I have asked.
One of the kids has learning needs and is playing up school a bit - I know it is this home situ but I can’t do anything to make it better.
The legal advice I’ve received is that I can't make him leave the house. I also have info about a legal in home separation.
Struggling to keep at this.......
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Since my last post - we ended up not talking at all for 5 weeks! Even on our dd13th birthday. She wanted to go for a family meal with a friend - he came and was happy for me to pay! He didn’t get her a present and didn’t ask what I had bought her.
Then one weekend I was due to work away and my car wouldn’t start. He has the jump leads etc... so I sent him a message to see if he could help. He came home and immediately sorted the car and gave me a little battery pack he has in his car for if it happened again. I thanked him and since then we are talking.
If I ask him to do anything he is straight away doing it - eg our carpet on stairs was dangerous and I started to pull it up. He came home and took over and did it all. He has now spent days sanding the stairs down and discussing our plans with it.
He continues to sleep downstairs and have no physical contact. But he has been at home for the last few weeks without disappearing for night/s. Eating as a family for the most part. Coming up is Remembrance Day and this is always a difficult time for him due to his military service. I wish he would get help but so far he hasn’t. It amazes me how he responds when I ask him to do practical tasks - he clearly likes being needed.
I am GAL as much as I can with yoga, exercise, taking kids out in their half term break, seeing friends, reading etc....I think we have slipped back into friends zone....
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Not really - but it may be my only option. I wouldn’t be able to live elsewhere with 5 kids (can’t afford / shortage of larger properties) and I can’t make him leave either. As we have to live in the same space I would rather it be friendly for the kids sake. I can’t talk to him about any of this as I know he will see it as pressure and run away (as in disappear overnight to his friends).
It’s our wedding anniversary on Thursday too - not planning on even mentioning it.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Been a while since I posted. Things had been quite calm over Christmas itself but I could feel the tensions rising. On Jan 2nd he sends me a WhatsApp message to say he’s not well and is going to spend the night at his mum’s. But this time getting help (ex military and likely PTSD). He is still at his mum’s (no conversation about what his plans are). I am doing OK and the kids are good too. My eldest said it is better without dad here....this is sad but he has been really hard to live with.
A few days later my granny died aged 99! My daughter got Bell’s Palsy (facial paralysis) and son struggling at school (in process of diagnosis of ASD). He has been arriving at the house when he feels like it (normally when we are eating). He hasn’t really bothered much with the children (last weekend we didn’t hear from him Friday until Sunday late afternoon. Often he says that nobody cares about him. I am trying to keep upbeat but last week I did end up emailing him suggesting that he makes plans with the kids (he spent yesterday round here playing board games with the younges, and has made plans with them tomorrowt - so maybe that has worked?).
It was my Granny’s funeral this week and he insisted on coming (a 2 hour drive). He tried to take over so I lay down what I wanted - I drive, up to me how long we stay etc.... but he was welcome to drive separately if he wanted to. He came with me and was respectful. I think me being clear really helped.
My tumble dryer has broken and he was straight round to try and fix it. He came round a few weeks ago to work on sanding our staircase. He phoned me at work as the weather was bad offering me a lift home. He has sent me an apologetic message:
‘ I know how much you have given of yourself to supporting me. You don't deserve any of the s@&£ that I have made you feel. I am broken because of letting you and the children down. The kids keep me going because despite the negative world I seem to inhabit they are all a massive positive. All of them give me different reasons to feel proud of them.I know that the process of trying to get better is a long one. All I can say is sorry for everything.’
I didn’t reply to it. I am trying to get on with life and am exercising more, doing stuff with kids, booked a couple of weekends away, catching up with friends. But it is hard and exhausting dealing with 5 kids amd working full time. But he is seeking help so whatever happens the children will have a better father....hopefully.
Last edited by Helhel; 02/03/1912:14 AM.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
