Thank you Gordie and DnJ, I really appreciate the replies. DnJ, no need to apologize, I've followed your threads but haven't posted much either. I'm glad my posts have helped, I've gained a lot from yours as well.
Thank you for reminding me the affairs are a symptom and about what she said. Things she told me really made no sense, much of the time she would say one then then the opposite.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Kyh
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.
Oh that is so true. Our self confidence gets such a smack down at BD, and then everything they say just compounds and crushes it further, and the affairs really stir it all around.
It is ok to feel dumb, or maybe unsure. I like unsure better, I do not consider you dumb in any aspect so from my viewpoint unsure is more accurate.
I found that I felt very unsure of people’s feeling and motives until I got my confidence back and started to believe in myself again.
I get that you are unsure, shy, and fearful of rejection. You know what, we all are, I am, and this lady you talk to probably is also. The idea that she is just being nice because she works in a store and is expected too be, is your fear talking and feeding justification for not proceeding further.
You have lived through something terrible and painful, there are going to be some scars and freshly healed wounds. You also have survived this, you really have little to fear, and when you see just where you are and who you are, you will be confident.
If you decide not to proceed or ask her for a date that is absolutely fine. Just do not let fear make that decision for you.
For what it’s worth, and from a guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years. You both know each other’s birthdays, she knows you are divorced, and she asks about son every now and then. She is interested.
I also agree with Gordie - you should ask her if she would like to have a cup of coffee. If you are ready for that.
I have many people recommending I date. I still choose not too. For myself I do not want to break anyone’s heart due to me not being ready. That of course is a an academic discussion since I am standing and still married. However looking at the possibility of dating did help clarify reasons and beliefs for me standing. It also showed me I could stand down someday and be fine.
I do not know where you are with respect to that, I think you are further along than me.
Kyh, I think you are doing really well. Like always do what is best and right for you.
DnJ
Thank you for this! It really does help. I have also had people recommend I date but I knew I wasnt ready before. I know exactly what you are saying about not breaking someone's heart and I told myself I wouldn't date until I knew I wouldn't put myself in a situation of having to choose between someone and ex if she tried to come back after I were dating someone and it was going well. I thought a lot about it and I'm there. I really can't see ex changing.
When I wrote about ex texting me she had introduced the kids to her bf and something in me changed it really did feel like a shift inside me, I think it was my door closing.
I am glad you saw my post as I intended. We are facing some of, if not the most difficult times of our lives, things can get miscommunicated easily on a format like this. A lot of topics can be polarizing such as dating
FWIW, I believe that all our paths will eventually and inexorably lead to moving on, to dating someone new. I will clarify this a bit. Given enough time that would happen, so it becomes a very personal choice and realization of when. If our lifespan was 1000 years, I don’t think many would stand for decades or centuries. It does make me wonder what our vows would be if granted such a long life.
I am pleased to see your choice and acceptance of events. It was a good feeling to read how you had the same thoughts regarding not breaking someone’s heart and when you can move on, the not keeping W as plan B.
An interesting view I have is that moving on doesn’t exclude the possibility of dating EXW in the future, she is just part of the potential people you could possible date.
Moving on is a change of your mindset. Dating or not is irrelevant, you have changed. Perhaps a door has closed for you.
I think you have already start a new chapter. The future is unknown, those pages are blank, write a great life Kyh.
Maybe start with - I asked her to join me for a cup of coffee...
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you again, I've been thinking a lot about your posts the last few days.
Ive been thinking about what you wrote about fear. It's an awful way to live allowing us to be controlled, manipulated, etc. What am I fearing in life and why?
Originally Posted by DnJ
FWIW, I believe that all our paths will eventually and inexorably lead to moving on, to dating someone new. I will clarify this a bit. Given enough time that would happen, so it becomes a very personal choice and realization of when. If our lifespan was 1000 years, I don’t think many would stand for decades or centuries. It does make me wonder what our vows would be if granted such a long life.
-This really made me think about them and what they meant, now mean, and could mean. I guess I'm saying maybe I need to rethink how I can honor them (maybe that's the right word) the best I can with the hand I got dealt while being fair to myself.
I am pleased to see your choice and acceptance of events. It was a good feeling to read how you had the same thoughts regarding not breaking someone’s heart and when you can move on, the not keeping W as plan B.
An interesting view I have is that moving on doesn’t exclude the possibility of dating EXW in the future, she is just part of the potential people you could possible date.
-very true, I can't see it happening now but you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’m doing well, thanks for checking. There hasn’t been a lot going on with me. I had some health issues that turned out not to be too serious, just pain management, so that’s good but I’m usually wiped out by the time I get the kids to bed or before. The kids are doing good in school, they slipped from all this but they are still both doing good. S has some struggles but is doing well overall.
I found out during small talk that the lady I liked has a boyfriend so nothing happening there, but I do still enjoy our conversations and compliments are always nice to hear.
Ex has been good to deal with lately and her anger towards me seems to have faded. She is still with the same bf so nothing there has changed but she has been better to deal with. Just some things of note for those that have followed my story. On our anniversary she called me to tell me she wanted the kids to talk to me about their trip that day. She was also concerned about my health and was researching my symptoms and asking me questions. Ex had a car accident and is okay but it shook her up pretty bad. I think I’ve seen a change in her since then. Thankfully she had a safe car and I kept her full coverage.
Ex went out to eat with us after the kid’s Christmas play and gave me an unexpected hug before leaving and again last week before leaving with the kids for Christmas. I think she was holding back tears before they left. She also looks better most of the time and has gained a little needed weight. I have no expectations or hope (I mean it in a good way) but thought it was worth journaling these things.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
