OneArt, Thank you for taking the time to provide such great feedback and guidance.
Originally Posted by OneArt
If this is MLC, as opposed to a WAW, the timelines are very different. Please confirm this yourself by reading Michelle's book and sandi's wisdom, but I think with a WAW there is a short window of time in which they potentially come back (I think the common wisdom with a WAH is that it is a longer period). Sometimes they see the changes and come back. But, often, once the WAW makes up her mind. She is gone.
I have read both. I am not sure what my wife is. I think she is more MLC than WAW; is it one or the other or can it be a combination of both? My wife separated from me for 3 months while pregnant with #2 and then 6 months after birth, BD again. She once took meds for PPD but now (I think) just medicates with smoking. So this has been a roller coaster since 2016. It pains me to see her this way.
Originally Posted by OneArt
Why do they come back? They haven't found anything better and they are tired of looking or afraid the LBS will move on.
I agree. I think when she sees the "payout" financially of the divorce, she will have doubt. She may even end up paying me when things are split!
Originally Posted by OneArt
How can you show her that you have moved on? Move on. She will only believe it when it is genuine. It is hard to fake indifference (at least for me). Now that I've reached indifference, I'm pretty sure mine gets that I am there.
Could not agree more. Did yours tell you or show he knew you got to indifference? The ways you suggest are PHENOMENAL! You know my wife well. She is doing 18 and definitely 17. She encourages me to stay at her siblings house when not nesting - keeps asking if I am getting my own place. I think I am doing most of these except for 1, 2, 16, and 20, so work to do on my part.
Some advice please, from the veterans: cleaning out one of my dresser drawers, I found a collection of cards my wife gave me over the years. One of which was a card which she wrote a month before we wed, saying she could not wait to marry me. The anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I ponder if I should save these or use one of them to send each months child support. I do it to remind her what she once felt of me but also help me learn to let go. I kept these cards because they meant so much to me, but I feel holding on to them only causes more pain for me. What do you think? Thank you.
black8 - I also have boxes and boxes of cards from W, kids, and I from our lives together.
Put all the cards back in the box and place it in storage for a while. Looking over stuff like cards and pictures keeps you attached, and you are correct it will cause you pain. Put them away and forget about them for a while. I would not throw them out, atleast not yet. You many just want them in the future.
You don’t have to make any decisions about what to keep or throw out right now. You will have time later.
Sending the child support in a card. That is most manipulative, and not a good idea. It would scream pursuit and probably send her running even faster. I know how you feel, and how you want to try something to wake her up. It just doesn’t work that way.
Give her space and time to work through what she needs to work through.
Focus on you and kids, and work on detachment. Once you get it, the rollercoaster will be over or a lot less and you will feel much better.
Keep posting and asking questions.
You are doing well black8. Stay strong over your anniversary, it will pass, you will be better.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. Will hold off. Since I am planning to move forward, I just learned that I cannot even get approved for a loan for another place to live because my wife filed. My attorney says I have to get permission from wife for now. Any thoughts on how this is pereceived? By writing and asking for her to be ok with me getting a loan for a long term living solution, this conveys a “I am moving on” message and could push her onto filing or make her know I am really moving on. Should I write and ask if reconciliation is what I want in the end, but need to plan for the worst? Thanks.
Are you attempting to get a loan to purchase a place? Why do you need her permission to take out a loan if you are attempting to get it in your name only? That doesn't make sense to me unless you are planning to use joint funds to do so. Would it be better to just rent a place for a bit, or at least until things are more settled?
If you can have a decent conversation w/her, you might mention the roadblock you are facing in getting your own place, but before you do that, I would explore other avenues first.
As DnJ has pointed out, you have to give her plenty of space in order to think and realize that you are moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job. Yes, to purchase a place. My attorney said I need to get permission from wife and judge to even apply for a loan because we are technically still married. Because she filed, there are orders in the state where I live that I cannot enter into a loan because it increases community debt, even though I would be paying for it alone. I would rather buy than rent because it is throwing money out the window. I think asking her to approve will clearly show her I am moving on. Otherwise, I have to wait for her to follow through with the divorce and she is now not doing anything.
Spent the last few days planning vacations and weekends for me and just the kids. Eldest are asking that wife join us on trips. I am Close to telling them that wife and I need time apart, but I do not need the aggravation from the ex, as they will tell ex. Also, finding that some of my single women friends who are aware of my situation are being more aggressive towards me on dating them. Perhaps I should not have told them about my situation. This is hard, but I plan on telling them they need to wait until I am better and if my wife goes through with it, divorced. It feels good to be wanted by someone else, and I am starting to realize I may be coming to a point of no return from my wife. There are others out there who love me for me. I have to be patient but I am not sure now if I should proceed with a divorce that wife filed but is doing no additional steps right now. I feel like she is driving this car and I am tired of being the passenger with no control. I am getting much better through. I do not even care about talking to her. Maybe this is just a phase. I guess this really is a test for me on unconditional love of someone who is divorcing me.
I think you are wise to tell the lady friends who are showing interest in you that you are still married and, if and when, you are divorced, you will then think about dating...but until then, you need to focus on you and your family.
As for inviting your wife on trips, you may want to tell your eldest children that this is a "bonding" trip for just you and the kids. Your children do not understand what is going on and most likely are wondering why "mom" isn't invited, but you are wise not to go into detail w/them about the situation.
If you aren't sure what to do about something, then do nothing for the time being. Sit quietly and the answers will come when you least expect them to.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the guidance. Sorry it has been a delay in response. I think I am really now detaching from my wife. I am feeling a little distancer and pursue action now. Wife calls me with kids more and when I came by for exchange, she went out of her way to ask how I was doing. I just said “good, how are you!” Short and sweet. I am getting this now.
