Back Again

[Shrike]

She came and picked up the kids this morning. She was detached. But did go into detail about her night and being stressed with work etc. Spoke about her new hobby with crystals and tarot readings.

I did listen/validate/respond etc.. But I felt like i should have ended the conversation sooner. Felt like I was getting the ''friend'' treatment. She talked for almost an hour and I was just trying to find ways to end it.

I did not confront. I did not say I was moving on or any of the things that i am planning to do. Im sure she could still sense my sadness, even though I was trying to suppress it. Guess that doesn't really matter and all I can do is keep working until that feeling goes away.

[RR17]

..If I just move on and do what I need to do, im thinking she will notice. Not that it matters. I am starting to not care if she does or not.

This ^^^ is what you need to do. We all know it is difficult. Once you are thinking in a healthy manner you will be better able to decide what you really want. Getting dumped is horrible; and as men, we often feel like we need to fix it. Don't waste your time.

Fix you.

BTW, good job on the encounter. Realize that WWs like to test and see if they still have a chance. It doesn't even mean they will want a chance. They just want to know it is an option. Remember don't trust what you hear.

You might try to limit these encounters because it will only make it confusing and harder on you.

She might change. Tarot cards and crystals don't sound very positive but regardless you should proceed as advised in order to be in a place to decide once things stabilize.

[Shrike]

..If I just move on and do what I need to do, im thinking she will notice. Not that it matters. I am starting to not care if she does or not.

This ^^^ is what you need to do. We all know it is difficult. Once you are thinking in a healthy manner you will be better able to decide what you really want. Getting dumped is horrible; and as men, we often feel like we need to fix it. Don't waste your time.

Fix you.

BTW, good job on the encounter. Realize that WWs like to test and see if they still have a chance. It doesn't even mean they will want a chance. They just want to know it is an option. Remember don't trust what you hear.

You might try to limit these encounters because it will only make it confusing and harder on you.

She might change. Tarot cards and crystals don't sound very positive but regardless you should proceed as advised in order to be in a place to decide once things stabilize.

This is the first time after being around her that I haven't felt completely devastated once she was gone. Like I sort of know where I stand at least. My emotions are still all over the place for sure. Sad one minutes, optimistic the next. The time when that all ends cant come soon enough.

I wish I could limit seeing her. But with our schedules and the kids its almost a daily thing. I really could use a break from it. But I cannot currently afford child care. She watches the during the day and I have them at night. I am actively looking for other options so I can cut down on the amount of times I have to see her during the week.

I dont know if i put much stock in that brand of spirituality, but if it helps her in some way, i would support it. its all interesting at least, and I am certainly open to it.

[SteveLW]

Shrike, I've taken a special interest in your sitch due to the similarities in sitches. Multiple EAs, some of the things your W said on BD and since. My W even start getting into horoscopes. This is a deeply devout, faithful Christian woman, one that in her youth had an interest in the occult, but in the last 20+ years has realized that they have no power, and are completely false "sciences".

However, this speaks to waywardness. WWs grasp at straws. They want anything that will tell them what they are doing is right. sandi talks about this, that the wayward that was strong in the faith will throw off that faith as it "condemns" them and the path they are taking.

This tarot stuff is her grasping at straws. Looking for any avenue that will condone what she is doing. At the occult and all the things surrounding that believe system will certainly do that. Now obviously there is nothing you can do about it. As you have said you can't control her, and to try to means you are putting your energy into false hope. However, I wanted to mention this to you so you knew this is not a good thing, spirituality or for the MR. It definitely helps her in some way, but not in a way that is conducive to your desired outcome.

I'd have something prepared to address it if and when she brings it up. Obviously do not invalidated her feelings, but you need to walk the fine line between invalidating her feelings and accepting this type of mysticism. All of this speaks to her overall morality, or the lack thereof (IE the conversations you found on her phone).

Just keep DBing....let her work out her on stuff.

Im sure she could still sense my sadness, even though I was trying to suppress it. Guess that doesn't really matter and all I can do is keep working until that feeling goes away.

No this does matter. It matters a lot. You need to try to suppress it to the point that there is no way she can sense it. Upbeat, pleasant, present, pleased, confident. That is what she should be seeing in every interaction.

[Shrike]

Having a hard time last night/this morning. She's been sending me texts just talking about kid's etc.. and every time I see her name pop up, I just think of the things I read and saw and its very painful.
I don't really have anything to say back to her and just sort of go along with generic responses. But it doesn't make it any less difficult. Not sure if I should just say that I don't really want to communicate right now.

[SteveLW]

Remember:

Only respond to direct questions. If the text doesn't ask a question, then don't respond. If it does, answer it (but in your own time, not right away) with as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

[Shrike]

Shrike, I've taken a special interest in your sitch due to the similarities in sitches. Multiple EAs, some of the things your W said on BD and since. My W even start getting into horoscopes. This is a deeply devout, faithful Christian woman, one that in her youth had an interest in the occult, but in the last 20+ years has realized that they have no power, and are completely false "sciences".

However, this speaks to waywardness. WWs grasp at straws. They want anything that will tell them what they are doing is right. sandi talks about this, that the wayward that was strong in the faith will throw off that faith as it "condemns" them and the path they are taking.

This tarot stuff is her grasping at straws. Looking for any avenue that will condone what she is doing. At the occult and all the things surrounding that believe system will certainly do that. Now obviously there is nothing you can do about it. As you have said you can't control her, and to try to means you are putting your energy into false hope. However, I wanted to mention this to you so you knew this is not a good thing, spirituality or for the MR. It definitely helps her in some way, but not in a way that is conducive to your desired outcome.

It does make sense that she has started all of this to try and feel right about her path. She constantly speaks to how she just wants to feel ''happy'' and good about her life. Finding herself, cutting out ''negative'' people and negative things. She has cut ties with a lot of friends and family the past few months. Mostly people that were calling her out or disagreeing with her decisions.
She has never really been super religious, she was raised catholic but has not gone to church since she was a child. I am not pushy with all of that. Ive only asked her if she was open to talking about it. To which she replied, she had a relationship with God and that it was good, but that she should be able to explore whatever path she wanted.

Just keep DBing....let her work out her on stuff.


No this does matter. It matters a lot. You need to try to suppress it to the point that there is no way she can sense it. Upbeat, pleasant, present, pleased, confident. That is what she should be seeing in every interaction.

I don't know if I can suppress it, but I definitely think that I can let it out, process it and move past it. All the bad feelings. I know I haven't given myself enough time yet, because I was too caught up in focusing on winning her back. It's time for some introspection and self healing! But as always I understand its a process, and have to deal with setbacks and bad days.

[Shrike]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=58295&Number=2605864#Post2605864

Should be a link to my old threads if anyone is interested. Planning on going back and reading through it all again. See where I was. Might be good to reflect.

[Shrike]

Not feeling as bad tonight or right now. I did not respond to her last message and she has not sent me a new one since about 10am. Definitely feels weird not talking to her as much. It has been a week now since I started ''as little contact as possible''.

Our schedules right now make it extremely hard to get a life. She works at night at a bar (a not so good environment) I have an ok day job, but have been laid off twice in the last 4 years and each time it set me back further and we went into debt further. Trying to balance my debt, the rent, bills, food etc, makes it extremely difficult to afford child care. Before the split our schedule was so, to save money, to pay debt and buy a house. Now it has carried over into the separation, so that I have to basically see her everyday to get the kids before she goes to work at night and in the morning when she picks them up from me. So I have them every night during the week except Tuesday when she doesn't work. In addition she works Friday and Saturday nights, so its hard for me to do anything on my own on the weekends to GAL unless I find a sitter. We have then been alternating Sundays. They only way for me to change this, would be to try and find daycare for my children and split or alternate weeks, this would force her to find someone to watch the children at nights, or find a new job, neither I'm sure she is willing to do right now. Especially since being at her work, is a huge enabler of her current lifestyle.

I signed a one year lease in a pet free rental in May. The market here is kind of crazy for rentals, and at the time I felt like I needed to get out of the house, since, she had insisted on it, and we were fighting so much. We had two dog's who I miss dearly, who now live with her. Something I remember her saying back in July when we started talking again and where getting along quite well and being very intimate was that she would have considered moving into my new place if they allowed pets. I remember saying I could most likely get them to amend the rental agreement, but she then back tracked and said that would be a waste of money, since she wasnt interested in a relationship with me anyway. She then said something along the lines of, you being here gives you a year to prove that you can change.

I remember asking her a lot if she would like to live separate, just date, and get to know each other and see where things go, as long as there was no om. The answer was often, ill have to think about it, maybe, or we will see. Odd now to me that it must have felt good for her to be able to pick and choose at will when she would have contact with me or not. I remember hanging on to every little scrap she would throw me and eat it up. And I just thought we were getting along.

Maybe I paint too dark a picture of her, she did not seem malicious at the time, but I cannot help but wonder what was running through her head and imagining it being something along those lines.

[Jim1234]

The answer was often, ill have to think about it, maybe, or we will see.

I've learned that this answer means "no, but I'm happy to let you think I'm considering it as it gives me power over you."