W called me. She had wanted me to keep S overnight tonight, but being a school night, work night, and having GAL plans tonight, I had to decline, however I agreed to keep him later than planned so she can get as much of her moving done as possible. He is likely going to be with me all weekend as well. We talked for about 20 min without arguing, and she said that she really appreciates that I'm trying to be cooperative. She had a bunch of things (logistics, etc.) she needs to work out with me, but she is running like crazy to make the move happen, so I told her that she can focus on the critical parts of the move, and we can work out the non-critical parts (where I'm involved) whenever is convenient for her. She was very appreciative of that.
Just going to keep trying to be calm, helpful, and respectful. It seems to work way better than anything else.
Still have DB to do, still have D to get through, but maybe we can be ok down the road. Who really knows?
S got into some trouble at school, so W called me and asked if I could pick him up early. I did, and on the way home W and I talked about how to handle the situation, and we came up with an agreed plan so that we could be consistent with the discipline. Teamwork!
W brought some of our furniture back to my apartment. She also brought some other furniture that she didn't have room for at her new place. S's bed and the couch will be coming back soon.
She had been working hard trying to move her stuff all day, so I gave her a bottle of water. She still has another trip to make tonight.
She asked me not to look in the back of her car. I was like "well...alright". She told me that she had our wedding stuff in there, and she didn't want me to see it and get sad.
I laughed and smiled, and thanked her for the warning.
I wanted to say "this whole thing makes me sad regardless..." but I resisted. I stayed upbeat and polite. She did as well.
She accidentally drove off with my car keys though, and she had to bring them back. I thanked her for bringing them.
W - "Did you think I would just leave you stranded? I know you think I'm mean..."
M - *joking* "Well, you can be sometimes..." *laughed*
W - *smiled and laughed* "Well, you know...I'm not that mean."
M - "I know."
I waved politely and she smiled and waved back, then she drove off.
The only thing that was weird was that she had asked if S could stay the night at my place tonight. I told her that I had plans (true, but pending). Really, I would love S to stay, but I have work in the morning, and every time he's stayed during the week, she's taken advantage of me taking care of him and would show up late (or not at all) to pick him up after a long night of partying. I didn't bring that up, and she didn't take offense to my objection. I do have to make sure that I'm taking care of my job. It's been good for me to stay busy and productive.
W wanted to have lunch today w/o S. She met me at the office and we took my car. We talked about her work schedule coming up, some logistics for handling S and his school schedule, and we had a couple of laughs. A couple of times the conversation veered a little close to flirting, she would smile, blush, and then say that she's getting frustrated and we need to stay on topic.
I know that what it LOOKS like isn't what I can trust. But it LOOKS like she's still hell bent on talking herself out of feeling anything for me. I can't tell, and it doesn't matter.
What matters is that we had a good lunch, no arguing, some smiles, and she gave me a big hug when I got back to work. That was nice.
I almost started to break down at one point when she mentioned (after a little flirty joking) that she was getting frustrated about the flirting and that I need to remember that we're not together, to which I said "I'm sorry, I am just having a nice lunch with you, and I don't think I'll have many more of these." I pulled myself together quickly, and she just looked at me like she regretted saying that, and we continued the conversation.
That sounds like a good idea. Also it looks like she may be getting the job in the office where I work, so that could be an interesting situation all around. Heh.
I did get some late night meme texts before bed. That was interesting.
Today she called about S to make arrangements with me to help pay for day care. Since she moved two days ago, she would have to transfer schools and her work schedule doesn't really work for that. But Monday she has an interview for the job in my office.
She was going to her grandmother's funeral. I told her to be careful and give them a hug for me. She said "No. They don't even talk to me because of you (note: referring to me talking to them about what had gone on several months ago...as in, the conversations happened several months ago), and I don't want to talk to them if they like you, so no. Hug them yourself. I just want to get off the phone civilly. This is why I'm mad at you, because YOU pushed my family away from me (note: she always said she was never close to most of them anyway). F*** you!"
M - "I thought you said "civilly"...
W - "You know what...you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
M - "It's okay, I understand. I'll let you go, have a good day."
I got home and a letter from the court was in the mailbox. We now have a court date. It's in 12 days.
I dont have much to offer in the way of perspective, just wanted you to know I empathize with your sucky day. I know you were hoping the time would come and go for the court date so Im sorry that didnt happen. We cant know what the future holds but I feel like you should take some comfort in knowing youre doing your very best with the hand youve been dealt. Stay strong.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Thank you. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and trying to make it through this.
Tonight, S was very angry and sad. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.
S - "I want to live with you. I don't want to live with mommy."
M - "Don't you like your new house?"
S - "No. I don't want two houses. I only want one house."
M - "I understand. Have you told mommy that?"
S - "No."
M - "I see. Well, I know it's hard, but it will be okay. Mommy and I love you very much. I know this is hard. It's hard for everyone, but it will be okay. Just remember that mommy and I love you more than anything in the world."
And THAT is why this hurts so much now. I can't stand to see S hurting. I hurt, but that's nothing compared to how it hurts to see him hurting.
I'm hoping for the best. I'm just going to be a rock for him, and a lighthouse for her. That's all I can really do right now.
The "rock" and the "lighthouse", those are exactly what you need to be. Keep doing what your doing BM.
As for the kids, its tough seeing them go through this. At first I was so hurt and pi**ed that i had to deal with my WW, but then i realized my S was going through it too. Just thinking of how she was ruining his innocent childhood made me 10x angrier sbout the whole situation. Im trying to be the best dad possible, and also let my S know he didnt cause any of this...because hes hinted that he thinks some of this is because of him. Im glad you are doing the best for your S too, keep it up!
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
S stayed with me Friday night. W was late to get him, but she showed me her phone, the time was all messed up on it and the alarms didn't go off. So it was legit. Saturday, after dropping S off, I came home to get ready for my HS reunion. W called and asked if I could bring some medication that she needed from my place, so I took it to her. We were talking about money and logistics, and she kind of had a moment where she just decided to be mad...so I left politely.
The reunion was totally awesome. Saw a lot of old friends that I've missed a lot, did a lot of joking and catching up, and that was great.
Got back super late last night, ended up barely getting any sleep, but it was alright. I got up today, went grocery shopping, then S came over and we hung out most of the afternoon.
Since W figured out that she's ADHD, she started taking meds.
OMG. What a huge difference! She was in a good mood, she talked to me kindly, was extremely polite and considerate, and she even found a silver quarter today and gave it to me (I ended up paying her for it, just to keep stuff from feeling too weird). I asked if she had started taking meds for the ADHD, she did. I told her that I could tell because she was talking to me differently than she had in forever. She said "is that good or bad?" I said "It's good."
So now I'm thinking that the situation HAS a solution, I'm just hoping she realizes it at some point.
When she's not on meds, everything she says feels loaded, hurtful, and downright venomous. On the meds...she's a lot more...calm, collected (despite the symptoms being more noticeable when the anxiety isn't nearly as prevalent), and just...nice.
Even to me.
I know that it would take an absolute miracle for her to consider dropping the D, and that's not what I'm expecting. Although if her meds start correcting some of the anxiety/depression/rage, then maybe there's hope after all. At least at some point.
I really don't see things changing. But at least there's that.
