My story

[SteveLW]

Stay calm. Do not get upset. Do not beg. Do not reason. Do not try to change her mind. Do not point out all of things that point to her still being in love. Don't brag about your good qualities. Don't apologize for your short comings. Validate and then state what you want. But then recognize that it is up to her (and implied in that she needs to do all of the work).

Something like:

"I understand that you feel you are no longer in love with me. I am sorry you feel that way. I still love you and am in love with you, and I think what we have can be saved if we put in the work. However, a marriage requires two people committed to it. But it only takes one to separate/divorce. So while I disagree with separation/divorce, I cannot stop you from separating/divorcing. However, I will do nothing to help you leave me either since I am morally opposed to it."

And then end the discussion. If she insists then listen and validate. If she asks you questions calmly say "I've already stated my position. I have nothing else to add." If she asks probing questions that aren't addressed by the above say "I need some time to think about all of this before I can answer anymore of your questions."

The goal is to get out of the discussion leaving her only with a) you are opposed to the S or D, b) you cannot stop her from moving on with the S or D, c) she will have to do all of the work related to S or D. Nothing else. No promises of support. No commitment to help her move out, nothing. And avoid the friends issue.

If she says "I hope we can still be friends after all this." Just validate. Something like: "Hmmm, so you are saying you stil l want to be friends. Let me think about that."

The beauty of validating is it shows you empathize, but it is neither agreeing or disagreeing. If you disagree it will lead to an argument. If you just recognize her feelings, without agreeing or disagreeing, then there is no further discussion to be had on that point.

[Manta]

Thanks Steve. All good solid advice.

I'm trying to prepare myself for all scenarios.

[neffer]

Just remember to validate and not confront. The first thing you need to get back is her respect. There’s no need to get into arguments about your sitch. Just validate and be confident and collected. It all takes time, take your time. Be strong Manta.

[Manta]

Thanks Neffer. What happens if she's still on the fence?

[neffer]

She’s no way near there M. Remember the marathon and not the sprint. Actually she is riding the Voyager II at this very moment

[Manta]

I think you're right. Its only a month since i found out the truth. Right now she's probably with him

I have no idea what's shes thinking. LDR with a guy who cheated on his GF of 18 years for a married woman.

A R built on lies, deceit and fantasy.

[Manta]

Hi all, im quite nervous about meeting her tomorrow. It will be the first time seeing her in over 3 weeks.

Could you advise on some good questions i could ask? I want to make the best out of this meeting.

[Manta]

Anyone

[Manta]

So i met her. Listened and made my points as Steve suggested.

She says at the moment she is happy, the first time in ages.
Living with her friend is great, she can do what she wants when she wants and doesn't feel bad. I asked her did she feel I controlled her and didn't let her live the way she wanted, she said no... But she always felt an anger etc and didn't know why she was so angry for so long. She talked about the fights we had, all negatives. Didn't mention any of the good times. Still in the affair fog!

She felt that we had gone different paths and didn't want to the things as I had. Children, buying a house, etc.. That i was more traditional. Even though we were trying for kids, which she really wanted, plus also was very excited about buying a house and visiting many places with me when we got our mortgage approved. It really seems that she is brainwashed at the moment.

She kept saying it's not an affair when I mentioned that word. Many times she repeated that to me. The same thing the AP is saying to APex when she calls it that.

She says she likes him a lot. In fact, said she feels she is in love with him.

Apologised for hurting me, said those last few weeks she hasn't missed me... Which was hard to hear.

She has gone to 1 counselling session so far.

Feels at the moment we don't have to do anything, however, after counselling, i might feel the same as her and realise that it's not working and maybe we could separate.

I told her that I would like to try and save our marriage, however, I can't force her, or make her end the affair. I told her i didn't want a separation. She didn't say anything, just that she wanted to be happy.

She kept talking about the AP eX and what she was saying about her and the AP's. She is very pissed about that, asked me not to contact her, I told her i wasn't in contact with her. She told me that the AP's ex is poison. She asked to see my phone, so i showed her just to confirm i wasn't.... She did say that she doesn't know why she felt this way, as she knows im a great guy and so many women would want me... She cant figure it out. She said I love you, at one point. But then i wanted to finish up as i said i had stuff to do. She thanked me for being mature.

I asked to her stop sending angry messages about the AP ex, as it wasn't fair and i dind't deserve it.

I didn't kiss her, small hug before i left. She said I can always call her, or her family if i wanted to talk.

I said nothing then left



I guess all i can do now is just GAL. I really don't know anymore is this worth it.

[Davide]

Manta,

Sorry to hear that. I vividly remember having a similar talk with my W a few months. It s$cked.

Remember that you can't trust anything she says. She's wrapped up in her own fairy-tale story and guided by emotions that come and go. You aren't going to get any satisfying answers from her either. At this point you are better off letting her be, no more R talks or the like. You need to give her time and space. You are at the outset of a long process, and you can't rush it.

You do need to GAL, and use this time to work on yourself. Take the focus off of her and put it on yourself. One of the wisest posters I received advice from told me to act as if my W was dead. What would you do with your life if she weren't there.

Hang in there. It does get easier, but there will be lots of ups and downs along the journey.