Glad there is a support community out there for those going through these types of difficult times. Here is where I stand. My wife and I are HS sweethearts. We have been together for 20 years and married for 13. We have 3 kids 8 to 3yrs old. 2 weeks before labor day my wife was feeling really down, she had been turned down for a promotion and she had been suffering from some form of depression. (She has suffered from them through out our marriage especially around her very hard pregnancies) Then she seemed to turn her focus on us and said she was thinking about a trial separation. I suggested that we forgo the separation and seek some counseling or at least she seek some counseling. She agreed that she would seek some help and maybe after we could seek some help. After the meeting with the counselor things took a nose dive. She told me that she told the counselor that she had been in mom mode all these years and hadn't anytime for herself and our marriage had fallen by the wayside. She was seeking to make herself happy again. Told the counselor about separation and possible divorce and the counselor on first meeting approved or though it was a good idea. Now I don't know if this is the whole story, but if this is how she was strongly feeling, then from my perspective this was just the push to get the ball rolling. She got an attorney and started the work (nothing filed) she also began looking at houses.... at and above what we can afford as a married couple. She then dropped the bomb during labor day weekend.
I of course did all the wrong things. Begged, pleaded, cried. You name it. Then I noticed how shut off she became. Like a stranger in the house, distant and withdrawn. After a day or so I got myself together and immediately backed off and tried to stay positive. It must have worked because for the first 2 days she slept with the kids and now she sleeps in our bed again. Unfortunately, she is moving hard and fast which is typically of her demeanor when she sets her mind to something. She wants to divorce and split everything 50/50 including kids and be amicable co-parents. I started going to counseling a few days after labor day weekend. My counselor told me how damaging divorce can be for children even if things are amicable. She told us what to except for our children's ages. I told my wife about this and she did not like it one bit. She had been shoring up her emotions and this caused her to crack a little. Fast forward to now and its been about 12 days. She has dropped her lawyer, but has gotten a mediator that will represent the both of us. The mediator can not start any process until next month and that has caused tension. She feels like I am dragging my feet and being controlling, I told her I want to support her in her decision even though it goes against my own, however this is not drive thru divorce and its permanent and we want to avoid mistake and unwanted expenses. She also make more than me and will owe me child support, I don't think she understands the financial reality of what a divorce can do to a couple, let alone the other things it can do.
My counselor wants me to really focus on my listening skill and being empathetic. I definitely have lacked in the empathy department in the past. I was already working on myself physically before all this happened. I also found MWD info and I have her book on order. I am finding it very hard to not contact or speak to my wife unless she wants to speak to me (unless it pertains to the kids). We used to talk to each other all the time throughout the day. We enjoyed each others company immensely, now its a ghost town. In these 12 days my wife has slowly started opening up to me and sharing things, but while I try to stay positive they are deep down inside hurtful. Basically, the whole marriage was terrible in her eyes and I thinking that is because she is hurting. In reality this year the marriage has been better than it ever has. We moved to our home state to be near family and have jobs with a LOT of work life balance. We have been doing more activities as a family and a married couple than ever before. I have also been supportive of her GAL before all this happened. Family-wise my family says they are supportive of us, but my wife is absolutely ashamed and is avoiding them like the plague. Her family says they are supportive but to me its apparent they are more supportive of me and her relationship is quickly deteriorating. I know this by what she has expressed to me.
She has always been a glass is half empty and I think that gun is now pointed at me. From what I understand she thinks that if she just ends her relationship and goes her own way she will discover herself and find her happiness, kids will be fine and that I will never change. The thing is I am already trying to make changes and I would rather her be apart of them, but I can only control myself.
I think she is a WAW I don't suspect any infidelity. However what hurts the most and makes me the most angry is that she would do this to our children. We promised ourselves to always put the kids first. It doesn't appear to be the case and she is kind of detaching from them at times to go for drives or create space and be alone in the house to figure herself out.
Sorry for the ramble and if its a bit jumbled. I just needed to let a bit of this out.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
BTW, I am not perfect nor am I claiming to be. I understand some of my behavior and what I have done in the past to potentially drive some of this. I can lack empathy, I have been good at burying my emotions, I mean burying them DEEP. I think it can appear that I am putting myself first or be controlling when in truth I probably am lacking in the communication skills to get across what I am doing which is usually not putting myself first. Everything is happening so fast and this has slapped me in the face and caused me to look into myself. Somethings I see are good, but somethings definitely need to change to better myself. Just wish it didn't have to come to this.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Twofeet, your sitch is very familiar. Many similarities to mine, except by time I caught mine my W was involved in a long-distance EA. But many of the things she said and did are very similar.
Remember, WAWs ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS rewrite history. "I never love you. I was always unhappy. The marriage as always terrible." Etc. So don't try to reconcile her words with reality, it is a zero sum game.
Read sandi's rules. Learn them. Use them. Learn this one now: Believe NOTHING she says and only half of what she does.
Also, next time she claims you are purposely slowing things down look her in the eyes and say: "I understand you feel that way (validation). However, I do not want this divorce, you do. So while I can't stop you I do not feel it is right for me to help either." If she continues to push you on it tell her you are morally opposed to D for all of the reasons (vows are forever, what it does to the kids) and that you will NOT be an accomplice in the murder of the marriage, family and home.
Twofeet, I think you have a chance of turning this around. Likely she is going so fast because she has doubts and is afraid she'll change her mind. That is why she got upset when you told her the C said D was hard on kids no matter what.
Detach. 180. GAL (LIKE A MADMAN). And be the best Twofeet you can be!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I went through something very similar with my XW....not happy, bored, feeling selfish, yadda yadda yadda. Back way off, don't mention divorce, don't help her facilitate it....it's not what you want but you won't stand in her way....make her do all the work. Start to make changes for yourself not for your wife. If your fat lose weight, get in shape, eat right, lift a ton of weights, get out of the house, and most people would advise to stop going to MC as they will help facilitate your D. You shouldn't go to MC unless both parties are committed to working on the MR. My XW never wanted to go so it was a non-issue for us. Everyone has stuff they should work on to be a better person but that does not excuse your W from wanting a D, not communicating to you that there was a problem and honoring her vows especially with young children involved. Own your side of the fence but please don't take on all your marital problems.
Keep posting. I am sorry you are here but your in good hands.
Yea they want to go super fast so they don't have to think about it all. Same way when they come back to the marriage sometimes. The more they think, the more confused they are. My W is the same way, so don't try to stop them. If you do, all they can think about is how much of a prick you are. Get out of her way, she has time to contemplate and question her decision...
Listening is a huge thing for women, if you're seeing a positive reaction to that, keep it up. Ask questions, try to understand, and validate her feelings.
Also do not support her in getting the divorce, that's just crazy if you want to stay married.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Steve I in fact had a convo yesterday with her that closely mirrored your advice. Fortunately or Unfortunately (not sure yet) it ended with me telling her that she is being extremely selfish and not putting the kids first. It hurt her pretty badly,and later after she calmed down we talked, I told her she was a good mother but I would not apologize for what I said.
I am not in MC I am seeing a C to deal with and process my own emotions and to help me better myself. MC is a forgone conclusion at this point with my spouse.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
So last night she took our oldest to their practice while I stayed home to care for the younger two. Before she goes she starts talking custody and dealing with our children's activities. I just listened and smiled, it unnerved her and she wanted to know whats going on. I told her this isn't going to be easy, this makes life difficult and, it disrupts our kids lives. I would not talk further about it. When she came back home she dropped off our oldest and told me she needed to run errands. She told the oldest she needed to fill up on gas. Apparently this wasn't true because the car had been filled the other day. I dunno, but the oldest asked me why mommy lied to her. I said I don't know what your mom is doing, she told me she was running errands. Anyway, as was the same as the past 4 or 5 days she goes out for drives, runs errands, etc to get space and clear her head. I least this is what I am lead to believe. She gets home close to or around the kids bedtime. The oldest is bawling her eyes out crying for her mom. It definitely hit home for her and she stayed with the two oldest children until they fell asleep. The youngest was already out. She came to our bed and told me goodnight (a first since the BD) and went to bed. I said good night back since she instigated it. Then in the morning she told me goodbye before she left for work (also a first). Once again I said good bye back. Dropped the kids off and then I headed to work. OMW to work she called after a meeting she had to tell me about it. I worked on my active listening and validation/empathy, conversation went well, but once again she brought up a divorce topic. Which was about us all living in the same area. I listened, but I didn't comment. She wanted to let me know I could call her if I need anything (I won't because I don't want to pursue), I repeated the same to her and we said our goodbyes for the day.
I feel a little frustrated. Not sure if this is a little step forward or not. Maybe a baby step maybe she was just being nice. Gotta put my best face on even though inside I am hurting quite a bit. The anger I feel for her detachment towards the kids is very immense. I am just hope they got to her a bit last night and hopefully she stops doing this to them.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I am really sorry you are here but you are lucky you found this place because in many ways it is a life saver.
I need to brace you for what I am about to tell you, she is most likely in an affair. Most likely an emotional affair at this point but also prepare for a physical affair. This is why she is fast tracking to D. These drives to clear her head are most likely drives to see or talk to affair partner. Is she secretive with her phone? Do you have access to it?
It doesn't change anything in your sitch unless an affair is a deal breaker for you. The best thing you can do right now is go in the opposite direction. Every thought, every plan and every move should be what is best for the kids and yourself. Stop telling her that this is going to ruin the kids lives, because first off it is not necessarily true and second off it is just going to piss her off. You are thinking logically because you are a man, she is thinking emotionally because she is a woman.
If you dig deep and do the work and fully let her go, there is a good chance you will get a chance to recon after D years down the road. The fantasy rarely lives up to the reality. Every move you make should come from a place of strength. You can't nice her back. No I am here for you, I will always be here for you type of statements.
The best thing to get her attention is to show her that this is BS and you are going to move on with your life. You can't fake it because she will see through it, you have to move slowly in that direction.
This totally suxs but you will get through it and have a great life if you demand it.
It is a fear of mine that there is a EA or PA. Not much I can do about it if that is the case.
I do manage the finances so I do not see anything unusual there. I also have phone and text msg logs and nothing unusual there. Unless the texts are a coworker I am unaware of. She is also not aware that I currently have access to her email, nothing unusual there. I really don't like snooping it doesn't make me feel any better.... usually worse. Before the BD she was very open with her phone. After BD she changed passwords and wont let me have access or the kids because she says she is creating space and privacy. She doesn't act secretive on her phone and to force her to show me would probably set things back further than I would like.
This charge ahead behavior is not uncommon for her. She has done this throughout our marriage when she is depressed. Its always onto the next thing, then when that doesn't make her happy its onto the next. It has cost us more money than it should with her always seeking the next thing or phase in life to make her happy. Its even set her career back in some cases. She is already excited about finding a new house and decorating it, etc.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
