Hello everyone. I've been reading this forum for about a month after having read DR. My heart is with everyone on here going through this right now.
I've been living with W for 9 years and married 6. We have a 3 year old son.
Early August W approached me to tell me that she's in love with her ex. She has been talking to him for two years and starting in July or so, she started having feelings. She has seen him twice for no more than 2 hours total as he lives 200 miles away. She has obviously told him how she feels in our M as he has given her a list of promises that are exactly what I haven't given her. Herd her ex have a pretty bad past. She blamed me for not making her forget about him. To be fair, I've been very emotionally distant and intimacy has been very little since the birth of our son. I was totally blindsighted by the revelation as I've never trusted someone so much in my life. She has been very forthcoming since the revelation about her ex. However, I am sure she's still hiding something. But that's the past, I am working in the now.
She asked for an in home separation that allowed her to keep talking to him and allowed me to meet others. She was very adamant she didn't know what she wanted and just needed space and time. She stated she was scared and extraordinarily depressed. She wished she could just disappear. I agreedbto the in home separation.. I didn't intend to meet anyone not did I try. During this time, I did everything wrong. Clingy, begging etc. First of September, I reached a point that I just couldn't be part of this game. I gave her an ultimatum. She quits talking to him or I'm out. She asked for a day or so to consider. I said sure as long as she doesn't talk to him during this time. She agreed and seemed very relieved. Two days later, she told me she informed him that she will not talk to him anymore. Up to this point, I feel like she is keeping her word. She was very adamant that she still needed space and time but suggested counseling at some point and has been making future plans with me. Yesterday, she sent a couple of texts while at work and touched me for the first time in over a month.
It's been 9 days since she agreed to stop talking to him and I've been nothing but clingy. This is pushing her away as I make mistake after mistake. Last night she told me there's nothing I can show her that'll help get toward R. It's confusing me as I've seen some progress. I'm also confused because she's told me she needs to see action and see that our son, family, and her are my number one priority. So I feel like I'm walking a tightrope.
I have started individual therapy regarding my emotional disconnect from her and our son. Since the bomb drop, I have been 100% committed to the family. My priorities have realigned and during the 3 or so hours we are all 3 together, it has been great. At 9, when son goes to bed, is when I get all needy. I'm not interested in detachment and gal during the hours my son is awake. Him and I have a stronger bond than we've ever had.
The help I'm asking for is how do I balance showing where my priorities are with gal and detachment? I feel like I have a solid outlook on a 180 and have made a plan. As for GAL and detachment, I know what I have to do at 9pm. Read, visit friends, etc. I'm also planning some father and son outings just the two of us.
Okay, first welcome to the board, sorry you are here. But you will get advice here that will help you with people that have been through similar things.
First, please stop taking everything she says at face value. Believe NOTHING she says and only half of what she does. WAWs/WWs are notorious for trying to come up with impossible to live by terms. "I want to be the #1 priority, but I need time and space." Is that contradictory? You bet it is. But here is why:
Please brace yourself for this because it is going to hurt: she wants YOU to end things. WAWs/WWs rarely end things with the OM over ultimatums. Likely she told him to back off and wait for her. And now she is trying to get you to get fed up and to end the marriage. My sitch was very similar to yours. My W also made the "disappear" comment. That stems from her feeling stuck. She feels like she wants to be free to pursue a R with this ex, or eventually another OM (note, it is rarely about THAT particular OM, but he is just the current catalyst). They feel stuck in lots of ways, not wanting to hur their child, you, not wanting family and friends to know, not wanting to give up the life they have......but yet that lure of a new exciting carefree life is there too.
You need to back off completely. You cannot nice her back. You cannot cling her back. You cannot prioritize her back. You have to give her the time and space she needs. You have to be ready to move on to show her what she stands to lose. You have to GAL and detach. Period.
And yes, that means some nights you are out with the guys doing GAL activities and away from S. If you end up D'd you will have longer periods of time where you are separated from him, so it is something you need to get yourself used to. Plus it is good for both of you to also have some time away from each other (I mean you and S).
So stop the clingyness, detach. GAL. Continue to spend time with your S, but that doesn't mean it has to be every waking hour. You have to give her up to get her back.
Finally quit obsessing over the ex or any other OM that comes along. Part of giving her time and space is you do not try to control her. Telling her to not have contact with him does to things: 1) it makes you look controlling and 2) makes the R with the ex even more romantic. Notice neither of these things are positive for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks. I agree with you on all points. The obsessing over the OM is why I get so clingy. I know she wants me to end things. She will not do it herself.
The hardest thing in detaching will be losing time with my S. We only get about 3 hours a day as it stands and I'm going to have a hard time losing any part of this bond that's become so strong with my S.
I get the S thing. However, I need you to ask yourself to be honest about it. Are you using spending time with your S as an excuse to spend time with your W? You don't have to answer in a response, just think about that. Many times LBSs will put barriers up to DBing like this for reasons that are not pure. Maybe you are being pure, but I don't think a couple of nights a week where you are out GAL will hurt your bond with your S, especially if you are fully engaged with him the other 4-5 nights a week.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My son and I have always had a really good relationship and our time together has been great. I'd say there is some truth to using S time to have W time. But there hasn't been any other choice. If I want time with him, it has had to involve her.
I'm going to break that cycle this week in starting to take him to do things on our own and suggest W does the same.
Another hard thing is that W wants to have dinner as a family every night. Her and I split cooking time and she's really been putting a great deal of effort into what she cooks lately. Do I start making my son dinner and not include W? Or do dinner the 3 of us and then go about other business?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My son and I have always had a really good relationship and our time together has been great. I'd say there is some truth to using S time to have W time. But there hasn't been any other choice. If I want time with him, it has had to involve her.
I'm going to break that cycle this week in starting to take him to do things on our own and suggest W does the same.
Another hard thing is that W wants to have dinner as a family every night. Her and I split cooking time and she's really been putting a great deal of effort into what she cooks lately. Do I start making my son dinner and not include W? Or do dinner the 3 of us and then go about other business?
I'd vote for the last one. Some of this stuff depends on your sitch, And you know it better than we do. Admittedly some of the things that worked in my sitch were not DBing tactics. But I hesitate to tell posters here that because those things only work in very specific circumstances and a very small % of sitches.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Children are only young once. Even when they are young they sense that things are not quite right. They are the completely innocent bystanders in all of this. And regardless of how young they are they get traumatized.
Marmar has an already established routine with his child, is the advise to cut back on time with his baby or to establish the same time spent with his child but alone?
#1. If this goes to divorce his wife will be documenting the time they each spend with the baby. To establish custody and financials. #2. You say that you and your child have a strong bond. That is good for your child. Your child will need that to continue to get through all that. #3 make your child the priority. Not DB, not GAL. We have had so many older kids on these boards that were cutting themselves, or had suicide attempts. The younger kids develop behavior issues, hair pulling problems, difficulty with potty training.
You sound like a great dad. I think talk to a social worker or counselor that specializes in the needs of children during separation and divorce. They will have more experience in how to cope and will be able to guide you through this.
Thanks. As a family unit, the 3 of us, things are near perfect. Extraordinarily strong bonds. As a couple, I became emotionally distant and intimately distant. That broke W down over time. She has zero interest in seeing if she can accept love and intimacy from me right now. Although she is working in regaining trust. I am also working on regaining trust and building my own foundation.
It's just so confusing. She talked to me for an hour last night about giving her space and that she has no interest in working on R until she works on herself. However the last 24 hours she keeps texting, sending pics of her day, and has been offering hugs. Which is the first time she's touched me in a month.
Marmar, you've admitted to using S time for W time as well. So 180 on that. Plan a couple of nights a week doing something just for you (hanging out with friends, etc), and then plan 2-3 nights where it just you and S. Give her the space she asked for.
If she ever brings up "you stopped doing things with me!" You can say, "look,you this is what you wanted. I never did. I wanted us to be a couple and work on our MR, but you were against that. When you are ready for us to try that I will be glad to oblige."
Taking time for yourself doesn't make you a bad parent. Plus it will give your S a chance to bond with the WAW one-on-one as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
