I question that last if. Were your intentions pure?
First, why the forum you chose? Why FB? And if you don't feel bad about it (you repeated that many times in your post almost as if you were trying to convince yourself as much as us) then why did you take it down?
BM, I am right there with Steve, your entire post read to me like control, manipulation and passive/ aggressive behavior. What I can't figure out is if you are trying to deceive us or yourself that your intentions were pure. They weren't, and I'm sure on some level you know that. One thing I've got to tell you, DB'ing isn't very effective if you're not 100% open and honest with us and with yourself. Don't take that the wrong way, I am saying it in the spirit of helping you, not to make you mad. You did a lot wrong in that interaction and you need to own it!
I hesitated to respond about the furniture. A bit later, I got another text.
W - I need to talk to you can you please call me asap
M - Is S ok?
W - Yes.
M - Is it about S?
W - Well, kind of. There are a couple of things we need to discuss and it's too much to txt. Will you call me or no?
M - Ok.
So I called. She started in about setting a mediation date and asking about when she could bring the furniture this weekend. I listened silently and didn't cut her off. I stayed calm, polite, and firm. I responded "I have plans this weekend, and I'm not sure of an ideal time. Most likely it would be Sunday evening, however I'll look at my plans and get back to you when I know when I'm available. As for mediation, I will look over my finances and schedule and let you know when I make a decision." She blew up. She started crying, and said "you always have to control me, don't you?" and then hung up the phone.
I didn't text her. I just let it go. I got another txt a couple minutes later.
W - Mediation costs (amt). I need to know what afternoon you prefer so I can schedule it. Either 9/19 or 9/10. We have to complete mediation and file the decree with the court before our court date.
> Note, she requested a date, but it hasn't been set yet afaik.
M - "I don't believe that our marital issues require a divorce for resolution, but I understand that you feel that way and I will not stand in your way. However, I am not prepared to agree to a mediation date at this time, so I will look over my schedule and finances when I get a chance and then get back to you about it."
W - I am prepared to pay your half of mediation. So pls let me know by Monday at noon so that I can be sure to get our spot.
> Note, this isn't a movie date. Plus she had just told me on the phone that she is being given notice of eviction on Monday, so her paying for it seems a bit silly. I hesitated to respond.
W - I've made storage arrangements for my things (note: I technically own half of these things) and won't be contacting you this weekend.
> Note, at this point I figured that she's about to try to ram this down my throat, so it's time to use the b@lls that I found recently and DB the hell out of this. I probably said too much, but I decided that some things needed to be made very clear. This time, no FB posts.
M - It is clear that you do not value my request for time to look at my schedule and see what works, nor do you value my feelings on the entire matter. I believe you are acting solely out of anger. I understand that you are angry at my passive behavior during our marriage, and have expressed my regret and have taken ownership for this many times. Despite this, you accuse me of trying to control you, which is completely false. I have respected your requests for distance and time, yet you have not respected mine at all. You continually make demands of my time and resources, and when I state that I have a need for time to consider your request, you demand that I act on your terms, and when I politely express my need for time to gather information you blame me for trying to control you and then change course without notice, which is absolutely disrespectful. You have not even once apologized to me for putting S and I through this process, showing that you respect neither my nor S's feelings. Furthermore, you have entered multiple A with multiple OM with no regard for my feelings at all, and also without regard for S's safety. So I will look over the information you have sent me when I have the opportunity and I will reach out to you when I have made a decision.
W - The mediation place needs advance notice to schedule, and they adv me to try to call and sched earlier in the week to ensure a spot will be available. This is the sole purpose of my request that you get back to me within the next 72 hrs. I understand you have plans this weekend with your friend, however I would appreciate it if you could find time in your schedule to get back to me.
M - My plans are my business, and you do not need to make assumptions about them. I have respected your privacy, yet you still have actively spied on my social media posts. My plans do not require your approval, and my sched no longer revolves around you. As I have said, I'll consider the information you have sent me when I have time, and I will let you know when I have made a decision.
M - Furthermore, I asked if the call was about S. You lied to me because you knew I would call you if it was. The call had nothing to do with him. It is clear that you have no respect for me, and that you chose to lie to me in order to manipulate me. That is insanely disrespectful to both S and I. You have shown that you are willing to use him to get to me. You clearly have no respect for him if you are willing to use him like that.
W - The D involves S, and the sooner it's over the sooner he will adjust. Also, I was trying to arrange a time to get his bed to you, which is also about S, considering our goal for a long time has been to reduce co-sleeping. We also didn't get to discuss everything I wanted to.
M - Because you hung up on me.
W - Yeah, well I'm working and I had to go.
M - S didn't request or initiate the D. Nor did I. This action is solely yours. Moving his bed wouldn't have been an issue had you not initiated this. You say you were trying to arrange a time, and when I said I would let you know what works for me, you became disrespectful and accused me of being controlling. That's not "arranging". It's demanding and manipulating. S would have no need to adjust had you not initiated this.
W - What do you feel is a reasonable amt of time to decide? Keep in mind, earlier this year you put my cat for free on FB bc I didn't respond to you within the same biz day. Let me know when you can.
M - You knew the cat was attacking S frequently before you moved. I requested rehoming the cat multiple times. Instead of respecting S's safety, you refused to address the issue. Instead, you chose to abandon the R, move to an apartment that doesn't allow pets, and you left the cat w/me to deal with. I decided it was best for S to give the cat away. My budget didn't allow for pet care, also. Bringing this up is an attempt to justify your demands, and it's neither loving nor respectful. It appears you value your opinion more than either my feelings or S's safety.
W - You accuse me of not regarding S's safety when you've repeatedly told me that you know I'm a good mom. Your feelings towards me aside, pls stop trying to build some sort of argument against me as a mother. We both know that he's safe w/me. If you're hoping to hurt me in court, you could just simply discuss w/me what it is that you want to gain from your public and personal attacks against me. It doesn't seem like you're txtng me to get anywhere, you're just trying to have your opinion in txt form. The amt of time you've spent txt me could have been spent analyzing your schedule. But I understand you have opinions you feel like you need to express. I hope you have a good day.
M - I believe you are a caring mother, however your actions speak otherwise. What I choose to believe is personal to me. Unfortunately your actions indicate that you do not think about your actions beyond how they make you feel. My feelings have no bearing on facts. Allowing S to spend the night in a house full of venomous snakes shows poor judgment. As does letting him ride with a person with a DWI conviction. You demonstrate that you don't respect his well-being, nor my feelings. How I use my time is my business. I have stated that I would review the info. Please respect my request for time to process it.
W - Get back to me when you can.
M - *crickets*
====================
The manipulation attempts are deafening. LOL.
I don't plan to give her a response to when I want to mediate any time soon. Because I don't want a D. I'm not going to undo my plans just to make time for her to move stuff back based on her demands (even if she can only get help for about two hours Saturday afternoon, and no, she can't move it in when I'm not there...I want to make sure who is at my apartment).
The more advice I can get in a short time is going to help a lot. This is starting to ramp up, and I can already tell I'm in for a battle.
I said a lot. But I also stood firm. And I know that I said some stuff that made her feel less than thrilled. But I DO NOT want a D, and I DO NOT plan to help her. I don't understand the rush. Probably just to get it over with so she can feel honest when she says she's single.
There's no possible way that I can afford a lawyer. Nor can she.
I don't really know the right answer here.
So, any idea if there are any people around that was able to make this work at this level? I don't imagine there are many, but I'll take any advice I can get.
BM, I advise everyone about to go through divorce that say that they can't afford a lawyer, that they can't afford to not have a lawyer. At least schedule a free consultation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have read a couple of your threads and your sitch is similar to mine in W has shown no respect whatsoever since BD and has only been self serving to whatever suites her.
I’ve tried those truth bombs via texts a couple months ago....it may feel good in the moment, but it set me back to the basement regarding progress.
I’m same way in standing for MR and want to make sure no stone, rock, or pebble is left.
I guess you need to determine what end goal is...
I’m not in favor of being friends with WAS after all she has put me and S thru. Yet W still envisions us going on family vacations together, expects me to live across street from her place, etc. All nonsense.
When w initially filed, she called to ask that I go pick up the papers downtown so she wouldn’t have to pay service processor. The way WAW thinks and acts is just wackadoo nuts.
I’m at the crossroads of ponying up for attorney. It’s been my saving grace at my stage as it really forces reality into WAS false reality.
Best of luck.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
