Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I give her the best husband she deserves because I have not been one for the first 13 years, which in pushed her to check out of this marriage. My goal now is to get her to be physical and intimate with me again. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180, I will be able to change her view of me. Wish me good luck….
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I give her the best husband she deserves because I have not been one for the first 13 years, which in pushed her to check out of this marriage. My goal now is to get her to be physical and intimate with me again. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180, I will be able to change her view of me. Wish me good luck….
Please reexamine your goals. Let me try to rewrite this so that you can see what you should be focusing on:
Quote
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I am the best Matrix5 I can be....FOR ME. My goal now is to start MR 2.0, since the old marriage is dead and buried. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180 and detachment (IE self differentiation, I will be able to live up to the goals and ideals I have for myself. By doing this the hope is that my W will take notice, and she will be physical and intimate with me again someday, and we both will have the marriage we both deserve! Wish me good luck….
Last edited by Steve85; 09/13/1805:51 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Keep DB M. You need to show a different Matrix. Don’t pursuit, detach and GAL as Steve says. And believe nothing that they say...(yes, what your W and your/her friend/EA say). You need to act with confidence and set some boundaries. Remember boundaries are about you and your environment. Get her respect.
Be patient. It takes time. You can do it M.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
As I stated to a poster earlier I have been on these boards for almost 4 years and can read these sitches very clearly. This is more then likely manipulation on her part to ease your mind so she can continue to cake eat.
Your buddy and her will most likely take this A further underground. When a woman has built a wall around her heart over the years, the wall does not come down overnight.
You seem to be willing to take the blame for your M being the way that it is right now. Can I ask you what you think you did?
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I give her the best husband she deserves because I have not been one for the first 13 years, which in pushed her to check out of this marriage. My goal now is to get her to be physical and intimate with me again. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180, I will be able to change her view of me. Wish me good luck….
Please reexamine your goals. Let me try to rewrite this so that you can see what you should be focusing on:
Quote
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I am the best Matrix5 I can be....FOR ME. My goal now is to start MR 2.0, since the old marriage is dead and buried. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180 and detachment (IE self differentiation, I will be able to live up to the goals and ideals I have for myself. By doing this the hope is that my W will take notice, and she will be physical and intimate with me again someday, and we both will have the marriage we both deserve! Wish me good luck….
I understand I need to GAL and do a 180. The only problem I’m having with GAL is the detachment part. She is an extrovert and likes to talk. I’m an introvert. If go quiet on her (detachment) she thinks something is wrong or something is on my mind again. I need to master the fine balance between showing that I care about her and her needs (something I didn’t do for the first 13 years of our marriage), and GAL. That will take some practice.
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
Keep DB M. You need to show a different Matrix. Don’t pursuit, detach and GAL as Steve says. And believe nothing that they say...(yes, what your W and your/her friend/EA say). You need to act with confidence and set some boundaries. Remember boundaries are about you and your environment. Get her respect.
Be patient. It takes time. You can do it M.
Thank you for the encouraging words. Again, my biggest challenge right now is tending to my wife’s needs, learning to listen, pay attention, compliment her, be supportive, etc. – all the things I neglected for the first 13 years of our marriage. What makes things complicated for me is how to achieve all of those while showing detachment. If I detach, she thinks something is wrong. She wants us to talk more, she likes to converse, she wants to feel like she has someone to talk to. If I go dark emotionally on her, she thinks something is wrong. That’s also part of the reason why she felt the need to have someone else to talk to in the first place. I was a shitty listener for 13 years, mocked her and her sense of humor, her wants, dreams, etc. I was a pretty big [censored].
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I give her the best husband she deserves because I have not been one for the first 13 years, which in pushed her to check out of this marriage. My goal now is to get her to be physical and intimate with me again. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180, I will be able to change her view of me. Wish me good luck….
Please reexamine your goals. Let me try to rewrite this so that you can see what you should be focusing on:
Quote
Hopefully this is all now behind us. Going forward, I need to make sure I am the best Matrix5 I can be....FOR ME. My goal now is to start MR 2.0, since the old marriage is dead and buried. I have a feeling it won’t be easy, but hopefully through successful GAL and 180 and detachment (IE self differentiation, I will be able to live up to the goals and ideals I have for myself. By doing this the hope is that my W will take notice, and she will be physical and intimate with me again someday, and we both will have the marriage we both deserve! Wish me good luck….
I understand I need to GAL and do a 180. The only problem I’m having with GAL is the detachment part. She is an extrovert and likes to talk. I’m an introvert. If go quiet on her (detachment) she thinks something is wrong or something is on my mind again. I need to master the fine balance between showing that I care about her and her needs (something I didn’t do for the first 13 years of our marriage), and GAL. That will take some practice.
Listen and validate. She'll love it!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.
As I stated to a poster earlier I have been on these boards for almost 4 years and can read these sitches very clearly. This is more then likely manipulation on her part to ease your mind so she can continue to cake eat.
My wife is a very social animal. She likes to have a lot of friends, especially those who like to talk as much as she does. He is like that. One big funny, talkative goofball. I spoke to him (as mentioned above), and he offered to disconnect contact with her immediately, as it is unmaterialistic to him compared to his friendship with me, our careers, and his family life. He said he is happily married, and doesn’t need any issues in his own life. I actually had to talk him out of it, because I didn’t want my wife to feel as though I’m sabotaging her social life. There’s nothing wrong if they chat on BS stuff like household issues, kids, money, politics, or just joke around. I honestly don’t care. I USED to care 3 years ago, and that’s the reason she went underground – she didn’t want to me to get pissed off, while she still believed she had the right to speak to whoever she wants. It took me a couple of years to grow a pair of balls, and realize this is not N.Korea, she’s not a dog on a leash, and I can’t tell her who she can and cannot talk to, and be friends with. It’s the chicken or the egg issue – I used to not like it, she went underground, I started snooping and suspecting, I found out, then blew out, and she went further underground.
I needed to make myself clear that unlike in the beginning, I now had zero issue with that friendship, I do have an issue with the underground part. I also made myself VERY CLEAR that if she goes underground on me again, I’m out. She promised to be open going forward. Time will tell. At the end of the day, if this marriage falls apart because she had gone underground again, I had nothing to do with it, and can walk away with a clean conscious.[/quote]
Originally Posted by LH19
Your buddy and her will most likely take this A further underground. When a woman has built a wall around her heart over the years, the wall does not come down overnight.
The problem with him is that he is too friendly and a nice guy to tell my wife to take a hike. And if they do go underground again for whatever reason, even if there’s nothing funny going on, I walk away. Simple as that. I made it very clear to her. I will not tolerate lack of transparency.
Originally Posted by LH19
You seem to be willing to take the blame for your M being the way that it is right now. Can I ask you what you think you did?
I really hope I am wrong but tread very lightly.
Just to name a few, in no particular order:
1) Never met her affection needs 2) Wasn’t a good listener 3) Rarely complimented her (if at all) 4) Made fun of her 5) Put my family above her 6) Let my sister get physical with her, and didn’t really do anything about it (other than telling my sister she can’t do that, which was obviously not enough) 7) Raise my voice at her 8) Talk down to her 9) Anger issues
In short, an [censored]….
I have spent the last year doing a 180, but she seems to have lost interest in me, although she says she has noticed the changes. I just need to be patient. I know that even though I’ve wronged her for 13 years, I am a new man now. If she feels that my efforts are too little, too late, just let me know now, so I don’t have to waste my time and efforts in vein on her. Someone else will benefit from the new me.
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
You need to detach. Read again LH last post. Doing your list puts pressure on your W. It is counter intuitive I know but what have you got after doing your 180? More distance...
Again, read what Cadet posted when you came here. You need to detach, GAL and become amoafwl. Of course it all takes time, so take your time and, as Cadet said, use it wisely.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
