Was told to start new thread. I think this is how you do it?
Man, I'm having physical & emotional withdrawal from W. Didn't sleep a wink last night. Going on trip with family tomorrow. I love them. D loves staying in hotels and we get to visit a college for son.
W has switched from constant social media to phone games. Been so busy with home duties I've been crashing early for bed. So has W. We haven't watched TV, I haven't done any GAL or man cave stuff. Just dinner, shower and bed for the both of us.
Last edited by job; 09/07/1809:00 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Almost all of those games has messaging capabilities. That is what my W switched to, early in our sitch, to hide her messages with potential OM#2. The last time I demanded her to hand over her phone (which was bad and almost cost me all of my DBing efforts) I went to a Yahtzee game she had been playing a lot, found her messages, and potential OM2 and his filthy mouth.
So don't think online games are any better than social media. They are SM in disguise.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maybe so. I think the messaging is being done on facebook messanger and WhatsApp with people she knows. That's what it was before anyways. She has stopped using snapchat from what I've noticed. Not to say she isn't using games to chat.
She isn't going to any effort to hide playing games. Leaves the app on, doesnt hide screen and doesnt type. Again from what I've noticed. The other chat apps, there was a very noticeable effort to hide her screen and shut off the phone when I was around.
I dont think or even care at this point. If she is chatting with dudes it could be at work for all I know and she's concealing it better.
We have very little to say to each other besides small talk about kids. I go through waves of anxiety, emotional withdrawal and physical withdrawals. Worry about life after separation without D. Rollercoaster has me so tired. I dont let her see the emotions I'm feeling. I'm happy as a clam when D is home.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I haven't brought up her phone activity, texting or anything. Recieving late night texts and chat app messages has stopped. I can still hear the news alerts and email alerts that I get so her phone silent.
Just some observations. Doesnt mean things are better or going to get better by any means. I expect the next step to separating at the end of October.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Was told to start new thread. I think this is how you do it?
Man, I'm having physical & emotional withdrawal from W. Didn't sleep a wink last night. Going on trip with family tomorrow. I love them. D loves staying in hotels and we get to visit a college for son.
W has switched from constant social media to phone games. Been so busy with home duties I've been crashing early for bed. So has W. We haven't watched TV, I haven't done any GAL or man cave stuff. Just dinner, shower and bed for the both of us.
I know it seems counterintuitive. But I’m guessing you would feel more rested if you were actually trying to GAL. You can keep doing as you are, but are you feeling better? Healthier? So why NOT try something different?
In the Divorce Remedy, MWD talks about how when we address the texts and comms our spouses are getting from the OM/OW, that they just take the comms deeper. Don't press it too hard. You don't want to be snooping a lot, for your own sake, but if you do, she'll just switch to Snapchat and you'll have a harder time keeping up with it.
Change the focus back on yourself. Do what you need to do for you. Do it for your marriage.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So before we left for the weekend, we were getting packed and i almost bumped into my W in the closet. I stuck my arm out and caught her hip. She turned towards me which surprised me. We kissed for a quick second and kept on with packing.
The weekend went great. W took photos and posted them on social media. She hasn't included me in photos on her social media in ages. Later, coaches commented on liking the fact our son was coming from a stable home with both parents. That his social media showed a good family unit and support system. That is something they look at so their players can focus on sports and academics. Of course talent is huge but they don't have to worry the player will have to leave for family problems, get home sick, or have relationship problems while at their college.
Our Son went with some players to hang out and talk so we hung out together with D at the college. We talked about the college, laughed, and did some walking around ourselves. We hooked back with son and went back with the team coaches and mingled. Coaches were mostly talking to me thinking I was the decision maker and check writer. W was really playing the game and putting on a show of a loving wife and mother. Leaning against me, holding my elbow, and asking my opinion about things.
Before coming home from the trip, I got the car loaded and ready to go. Got D dressed and fed. W used to complain that she was always having to get everyone ready even me. During the drive home, our S talks about college as if his mom and I will still be together. He knows there are serious problems and knows his mom wants a separation. He is in denial and talks about us as if we will still be together.
Got everything out of the car and D was asleep. I was in the kitchen unpacking the ice chest and W walks in to discuss the college and other colleges in the coming weeks. Then I made the mistake that I think I read on all the threads. I went in for a hug and kiss and she turned her head and denied the kiss. I didn't react and just kept on with what I was doing and talking about.
I went and did the yard since I plan on GAL tomorrow and Tuesday. I took a shower and sat down with D before she went to bed. W was doing laundry and I heard the front door open. Our son had bought a hat for the coach I had concerns my wife was having feelings for. My son had walked outside to give the hat to his coach who was parked outside. W Sat down and son walked back inside. A few minutes later she gets a text and turns to look where the hat was. She looks at me and says (coaches name) said thanks for the hat and he will pay for it if we want. She knew, I knew who it was. She hasn't said a thing to me since and went to bed without a word while I was on computer.
Friday she will be going with S on a visit that is too far for D to go on with flight and all. I'll be solo cholo dad this weekend. Thinking of taking D somewhere cool. Maybe the beach! Kind of excited really.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
It's not as if we are sitting in the same room. Mornings getting ready for work in the bedroom and bathroom. Cooking dinner, she has been trying to help me cook lately. Cleaning up after dinner after the rest of the family has gone off to watch TV or play video games.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
W has been going to bed early last 2 nights. Right after D about 9:00 to 9:30. Anyone seen this behavior? I did tell her I had training tomorrow and wouldn't be here to help with D.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
W has been going to bed early last 2 nights. Right after D about 9:00 to 9:30. Anyone seen this behavior? I did tell her I had training tomorrow and wouldn't be here to help with D.
No, my W's behavior was the opposite. She was staying up until 3-4am. In fact, both times she's had an EA this has been her behavior.
Since we moved to piecing and R, she has consistently come to bed at or close to the same time I do. This is why I know she is not in an active EA. Typically in her EA's she'd stay up almost all night, then sleep during the day while I was at work. All in an effort to hide her behavior.
Sleep pattern changes are usually a telltale sign of something. Has she been uncharacteristically depressed lately?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I haven't noticed any depression. At most a slow down. Her help at work came back from sick leave and her work schedule declined dramatically. Sons school stuff is coming to a head but has slowed down dramatically too. We or they will be traveling almost every weekend for visits the next 2 months. It could possibly be the lack of pursuit by me, the work stress coming down and closure of college choices may be letting her rest or making her depressed because she isn't so busy. Also, she may be ignoring the stress of the R coming to an end too.
I am liking getting more rest but she doesn't like me going to bed before her for some reason. That could be it too. I have no idea.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Today I was super busy at work and wife texts me about daycare in a month. I didn't respond right away. Then text back with a simple we can talk later. Got home and she got home a few minutes later. She says she wanted to see a friends daughters volleyball game. I responded ok, have fun. She said, you're not going? I was hoping we could take D to see a girl sport? It was fun for our D and us since we weren't stressed about our son doing well.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I feel like I should be writing my thoughts since nothing is going on with W really. W and son leave tomorrow for trip out of state for the weekend. Just me and daughter. I haven't been alone with her in a long time. Trying to figure out what we are going to do. It's hot outside and she doesnt like the heat. Movie, mall, & park should only take up half a day! But I guess this is practice for single dad life. Wife is hot and cold. We dont have any physical contact other than a sporadic peck kiss once a week. No talk of R, Divorce or separation. No fighting or anything. With the exception of physical contact, life is OK but I do crave the intimacy, security and love from a relationship. I dont know what is going on.
Gal has been sporadic at best. Not very much alone time other than work and a few minutes before bed. Not even time for garage projects I love so much.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
So far this weekend has been pretty busy. I spent some quality time with D and we had a blast. I bought some tools for a couple of side jobs I booked to make about a thousand bucks over the next month.
Tomorrow we have another busy day planned. W texted and called unsolicited regularly over the last 2 days with info about trip. Looks like S is going to commit to this college. Happy and scared for him. Big decision and far far from home. We talked over FaceTime about the pros and cons of the school as well as others. Mixed feelings aboit the news. I figured this was going to be the fork in the road for W and I. The circus will be done as far as school research and traveling.
FIL called me today to discuss sons options and W and I. He wants to help us out financially but only if we work on M. (Her parents are very well off.) He's afraid if he paid off bills for us (her) she will just continue spending and wanted my thoughts. I told him the spending will definitely continue. He hopes the money will take some of the financial stress off W and help the M. I told him to save his money because for him to help, he would have to see what she is spending and what she owes, No way she wants him to know or see how she spends and how much she (we) owe.
I told him I had no idea what she is thinking about M and what her short term or long term goals are about the M. He wanted to know what I thought about our relationship. I just told him we are like roommates who get along. No affection and zero talk about our R. He has offered to pay for counseling and she won't even admit to there being a problem. My MIL is from divorced parents who quickly remarried to spouses with kids then had kids of their own. She was caught in the middle and didn't feel wanted or loved by either family. This came out as a parent and she admits she didn't know how to show love to her children.
She doesn't want our Son to be part of a second failed relationship and our D to be in her first. I get both of thier concerns and appreciate them wanting to help but my W is on her own. Either W doesn't want to face reality, can't afford to face reality or is just buying time. She definitely isn't saving to move out.
From some of the reading I've done in the past, I've read she may have an affair to get me to leave, do something to make me leave so she doesn't have to be the "Bad guy", or wait me out until I leave. Especially since I haven't been reacting to her and starting arguments to justify her leaving.
Something I wanted to ask the group. The last couple of days, I've been reminiscing a lot about better times with W and hoping for them to return. I'm guessing this is part of the rollercoaster and I'm about to take a dive down from these positive thoughts back to reality. Did everyone else go through the negative positive thought rollercoaster?
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I’m on that roller coaster but it used to be daily but I think I have it down to a day or two. When my mind starts with those mental issues I have literally built in a mental block that scrambles and blocks the thoughts in my head so I can quickly move to something else. I have to do that so I don’t feel any pain. It’s hard but find a way to make it work. Unfortunately my WW is away with OM every weekend the. I house sep rest of week. I make sure I have plenty set up for the weekend and it is usually when I am not doing anything that I get these thoughts. gAL is tough but it is the solution
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
So the weekend comes to an end. I went to Lowe's twice this weekend to get supplies for a couple projects. Both times the area was closed off. Didn't get my project started. I was able to spend a lot of time with D. She and I did some man cave stuff. Reminds me of my time with my dad in the garage listening to sports. She enjoyed every bit of it. She hates taking baths but she had so much fun she took one every night. W sent several selfies at her lay overs with the caption "I love you (daughters name)" then several of my son and her as well as the school sights. I noticed she took them with the Snapchat tags so I assume she is snapchatting again.
My son picked the school his baseball coach was pushing for. This is the same coach I believe my wife was having feelings for. So it's a bitter sweet feeling my son picked the school. My son has no idea about the feelings my wife was having for coach since the has a young, beautiful fiance. A fiance who has a really good job and the coach doesn't wake up till noon. I believe my wife fell for the zero responsibilities he has and he is really young. Oh well.
They will be home soon. I have to wait up with D so she is awake for their arrival. Part of me wants to know about the trip and part of me wants to get busy doing anything else.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
W and S came home and my Daughter was already falling asleep. Son gave us some souvenirs and wife bought me the wrong size shirt. She said she thought I wore a smaller size since I lost weight. She puts D to bed, showers and meets me in the office. Says she is going to bed but sits down. I ask about the weekend and she tells me in detail about practically everything about the visit. Since I was doing my best to validate, I don't know what to get back in response. She finally says, I don't want to get up tomorrow. I responded, "I can see how you can feel that way. It was a long weekend". She was caught of guard and said "what?" I didn't respond and she said, I can't even get up. After a few seconds she got up and walked out. No goodnight or anything. I'm done with my report due in the morning so off to bed I go as well.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Wait, why do you think it backfired? Because of her reaction? If you are basing your success or failure on her reaction then you are doomed to fail in DBing.
Your 180 was in validating her feelings on not wanting to get up in the morning. I assume by her reaction that was a 180 for you.
Listen. Validate. Ignore her reaction.
Your validation and then you not reacting to her reaction brought a proper close to your discussion last night. Trust me, the fact that you validated her feelings had an effect on her. Even if her reaction wasn't what you wanted (again, you should have no expectations, a primary principle of DBing).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, I think my reply was misleading. I only know when I do wrong in general. I dont think I did anything wrong last night. I dont expect much from her at this point. She doesnt react much anyways. Most of her demeanor is like she is in a world of thought or on social media or games.
I haven't got to 180 in the book so I'm only doing what I read on these blogs.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Thanks for the replies, I need this feedback. Glad you all think I'm doing good. It doesn't feel like it. I'm a problem solver and this goes against my gut. This limbo and 180 is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm hoping it will be easier than living separately from my daughter. And family for that matter.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Boy, I haven't even had time to read or post on this board. I've taken on a little more at work so there is no downtime for negative thoughts. Makes the day go by faster. Then dinner, playtime with D and bed for her. Then it's to the computer for a little side job action for extra in case money or truck down payment.
W wrote a long post on social media about sons successful trip and tagged me and sons bio-dad. W thanks all of those who helped him along the way but doesn't mention who including me. Ok, it's about her and son so I don't fuss or let it bother me. At least she tagged me, right? Funny enough, Baseball coach texts me this morning to congratulate me about sons successful trip. I've read his body language for months and I see his uncomfortable body language around me. W's body and his body language speak volumes to me when we are within a hundred yards of each other. I see them both doing their best not to notice each other. Wife is hypersensitive of me being able to read the slightest of signals. He usually acts as if he just noticed me and walks over to shake my hand. W then immediately finds someone to talk to and walks away like 2 positive sides of a magnet repelling each other. He must know I know but is acting as if there wasn't ever anything inappropriate going on. The fact that she has done a complete 180 with how she acted before I confronted her and now tells me I was right and she told him I was on to them. I returned his text with the usual cordial appreciation for his comments. He starts telling me about how good of a job I've done as a father and I should be proud of how I raised our son. It took everything I have not to respond in a sarcastic way about being a good husband!
Going to drop off W at a meeting tomorrow so I can run to lowes or home depot and walk around with D and not be stuck at home without transportation.
I know I shouldn't be reading their body language but it's a hard talent or curse to turn off. Son has no idea and talks about coach daily. My wife squirms every time his name is said.
Oh, I almost forgot. Yesterday W needed a form printed out so I told her to email it to me. I went to the computer and opened my email. She followed and I thought nothing of it. As I waited for her email to come in, I noticed the email alert from divorce busting at the bottom of the screen. I quickly closed the window and acted as if the screen froze. I have no idea if she saw it but all I could think about was the instruction to clean my browser history and not let W know I was trying DB. If sage did notice she did a marvelous job disguising it. Daughter saved me and pulled W out and I quickly deleted the notification. Whew! I think.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Stryk2 all the best to you brother wish I had some solid advice I feel for your problem but I am dealing with my own issues, know that you have my support bro hang in.
W did not like me dropping her off at the sports meeting and leaving her without a car. When she came home to pick me up, she immediately started in with attitude. Puts her purse in the back and walks inside the house with a long sigh. Before we leave, I ask if she has everything, I knew she forgot her binder for the meeting. Annoyed she says wait! And walks back into the house with another sigh. She tells me it was bath night for daughter and I asked how long the meeting was going to be. She responded, not very long with a tone. I responded, I will give her a bath but I will need to know when you will be done if I need her out and dressed by the time she gets done so I can pick her up.
We have to buy some drinks for the team and stop by the supermarket. I knew she was already annoyed so I dropped her off in front. She let out a loud sigh. If I would have gotten out and unbuckled daughter she would have been annoyed too so it was a lose-lose situation. I parked near the front and waited. When she came out, she looked around and spotted me. Annoyed again on where I parked she rolls her neck and eyes. I get out and she gets in the car while I load the heavy drinks. We get to the meeting and I back up the car to the building. Again she is annoyed because of where I parked. I ask where the drinks go and she says, just let me get them. You don't know where to take them. She grabs 1 of 2 boxes and walks inside. I put box 2 on the ground outside the car. When she comes back for box 2, I tell her to text before she is ready. She asked where I was going and I responded that I didn't know yet. I knew I was going to Home Depot. She says, ill be done about the same time, (again with attitude.)
I take d to home depot and to eat. We get home and I get d in the bath. Son gets home and I know I have about an hour since meeting starts after practice gets out. Son tells me he left his mom the car and got a ride home. W is home within 15 minutes and is like nothing was wrong. D is dressed and I'm combing her hair. Wife says, let me show you an easy way to put her hair into a ponytail. Wife is pleasant and compliments me on the ponytail after she combs it.
D sits on the couch with W and I go out to the garage to open the tools I bought. D opens the garage door and W follows. W asked what I bought and what I planned to do with them. She asks in a way that actually sounded as if she was interested. I tell her my plan and tell her I used gift cards I had been saving, 1 of which she gave me. (In February for my birthday before BD.)
D starts to describe what we did at the house store (home depot) and we had fun. Wife laughs and asks her more questions because D was so cute explaining what I told her I was buying. I go into tuck D into bed and wife gets in bed. W tells me she may have a late meeting tomorrow. I tell her I'll drop my work car at her work and get her car to pick up D then pick her up when she's done. She says she will let me know since the meeting starts after another meeting and it depends on when the first meeting ends. I walk out and back into the garage to write this.
My question is about how I handled the attitude. I know she was trying to goat me into an argument with the attitude and I didn't bite. The whole time I was telling myself not to react but another part of me wanted to stand up for myself and not take it like a weakling. <---- not the word I wanted to use.
In hindsight, I should have validated somehow but I didn't know how or what to say to her attitude. Any suggestions?
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
By the way, I found out baseball coach started a new travel ball team and my S will be on it. That means more weekend trips with the coach. I know my son needs the experience with more talented teams but it also means W will be around him even more and I won't always be there. I know I can't control it but man is it discouraging. It will also cost about $1000 bucks a weekend and more debt because we don't have any extra cash after bills!
Last edited by Stryk2; 09/20/1806:22 AM.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
FIL called me again last night. He's worried about our finances. I'm like no $h1f. But I told him it's not his problem and not to worry about it. He knows that if we S, W will not be able to keep up financially. Again I was like no $h1f. But said, we weren't going to be able to fix W spending. Especially on son. He said the account they share is all food, shopping, and misc stuff. Again, I know. He wants to confront her about money because she owes him from other loans.
I don't know what to tell him about that.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Be glad you have some inlaws that support you Stryk. My W's family has her thinking she is the greatest daughter, mom, business woman, W, etc. Its painfully obvious they were estranged during our M. They have no clue. Not 1 of them even questioned if its true that she was having an A, or asked her what in the hell is she doing.
You may have addressed it, but how is the rest of her family with you?
Last edited by equalzr; 09/20/1811:33 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
In-laws love me. SIL and her husband love me. SIL's husband is divorced from a previous marriage and is telling me to get out due to his previous divorce being ugly.
Inlaws offered to pay for marriage counseling but W declined. SIL is a marriage counselor and has given recommendations to both of us for couples and individual counseling. I can't afford to go on my own.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Thats cool that you have them supporting you. My fil does somewhat and he appreciates how patient ive been with W, but afaik he hasnt confronted her on what shes done to her family, and hes a man of God.
That said, i know OM has spent significant time with W's family. My famoly would have verbslly handed me my @$$ if i did this to my W and family.
Last edited by equalzr; 09/20/1811:44 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
All the support in the world doesn't help the R or M. It helps me know I'm a good man, father, and husband.
They have tried to talk to W without results. FIL has been an enabler with fallback money for her whole life. He says not this time but, he won't let his grandkids go without. He will help her financially when she needs it.
I believe W is waiting me out. Waiting for me to give up on R and leave so she doesn't have to be the bad guy and admit to people she left. It's been at least 6 months without intimacy I think. I can't remember the last time. It gets harder every day. This limbo is hard. Being without a daughter will be harder but the lack of R is wearing me down. Tomorrow is football game for S. Getting through the workday has gotten easier. Her solo sorority reunion is in a few weeks. I try not to think about it. Although she has gone when we first started dating, this trip seems different since we aren't in a secure relationship.
I have an early morning and a long night tomorrow.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
In-laws love me. SIL and her husband love me. SIL's husband is divorced from a previous marriage and is telling me to get out due to his previous divorce being ugly.
Inlaws offered to pay for marriage counseling but W declined. SIL is a marriage counselor and has given recommendations to both of us for couples and individual counseling. I can't afford to go on my own.
They love her more, trust me. I had a great relationship with my inlaws fall to nothing but lies and excuses from some upstanding people.
Have you learned something new about the coach situation?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Haha. Thank you. I haven't had time to read a word. Been trying to make some extra money just in case and pay off all my debt. (About $1,000). Getting my ducks in a row.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I have another question aside from the handling her attitude and FIL wanting to talk to her about finances.
Since I don't call, text or initiate conversation with W, we have been double duty stuff. We both bought coffee when we were running low, both got cash out for a football game, both arranged chores in the car at the same time, and she arranged for the cans on the side of the house to be taken in when I already arranged borrowing a truck to do it. Of course, this is upsetting both of us. I'm trying to avoid arguments but the emotions are visible.
I know it hasn't been that long but I don't want my daughter to learn that a healthy relationship has no love being shown by either parent.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Doubling up on things used to be a pet peeve of mine. I used to "yell" (not really but she took it as such) at my W "let me know when you get dog food so I don't stop and get it too!"
On BD she pointed out to me two things. A) I could always call her before buying DF to avoid doubling up. B) Even more importantly nothing that we doubled up on would go to waste! I've since 180'd on that.
Look at the ones you are complaining about. The coffee will eventually get consumed, will it not? Double withdrawals, one can be redeposited. Call the person loaning you the truck and say than you no longer need it.
Stryk I can see where you are going with this. "Shouldn't I be contacting her more, initiating more communication to avoid stuff like this? The answer is no. Just deal with it, it isn't a big deal.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, lol. I knew that's what people would think. Haha
The anger is coming from her. Like the posts before, she is getting very easily annoyed. I'm staying busy, taking care of daughter without her help or input, etc.
W buys the expensive coffee by the cup daily. I make coffee at home and I normally get cash out on gameday. It's almost like she is trying to start arguments. Maybe i should have said all that. Lol
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Her getting angry isn't necessarily a bad thing, and you don't know what's causing it. She might be very fearful if you are actually detaching a bit. To cover up her pain, or deal with the sadness, people often lash out. So maybe she's doing it b/c of that. I don't know, you don't know. But maybe. Either way it doesn't matter that much.
If she is copping an attitude with you, you don't need to stand for that. And you can say that. But don't say it over and over to where it's an argument every day. Would you let a woman you were just dating treat you like garbage? Deal with it the same way.
Don't get sucked into an argument. Would you argue with the store clerk who is acting like a turd? The disgruntled clerk is probably taking it out on the wrong people and for similar reasons as your W - they aren't happy with everything in their life and how it is going. So don't make it worse! Be the lighthouse.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
What is this lighthouse I keep seeing on the forum posts?
W came home like everything was all good. Went to the game tonight and she tells me she HAS to go work the concession stand tomorrow for baseball tomorrow! I don't say anything. Although this is a different team than the notorious baseball coach, he will be there.
D and I will spend some alone time together. Son will be at the game too. He doesn't know he is the nexus for the two seeing each other regularly.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Having an angry day. Frustrated due to a conversation with our son. At dinner last night, son was talking about college in 2 years. About moving, what he will need and what we will need to buy. He asked if we (W & I) would be going to help him move if we would fly back or drive. If we would visit a lot. W explained to him that he won't need to get much as a freshman and only need things we could buy there.
Son started talking about W and I doing stuff when he's gone. I played along and so did W. The whole conversation ate at me the whole night. I don't like living like a roommate. I feel like I'm being put in a position of choosing to be in a loving relationship and being with my daughter more.
Just so frustrating!
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I think it's more of the situation I have a problem with. I don't know if we will be together when he goes to college. We are living in limbo. Like strangers, roommates, co-parents. I'm longing for a healthy loving relationship. It's hard to talk about the future when the today is so questionable. Just ranting I guess. Frustrated. I'm too good of a person to be dealing with this.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Just trying to "Classify" the type of guy you believe you are.
Most guys fall into one of the two categories. Most guys that show up here are "Nice guys". I am now a "Nice guy" with the good attributes of the "bad boys" that women find attractive and dropped the "Nice guy" behaviours that turn women off.
Being in law enforcement, You may be the exception. You may be assertive ect. Most "Nice guys" need guidance to be more assertive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm no exception. Most Law Enforcement knows the risks of bringing the job home and are totally different when home. I'm probably the nice guy. Going to have to figure out how to be the bad boy without neglecting my family? Or at least my children.
This weekend I was so busy my W asked me both days what was for dinner. I said I didn't know and kept working. She ended up cooking and asked for advice on a few dishes. Normally I cook every day. I felt awful for not cooking for the kids. But for some reason, I felt as if I needed her to do it. I know that's not bad boy behavior but...
I've always been the rock, but the W spent more than we make and I became the slump when the OT dried up.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Hard time sleeping last night. Prayed a lot. Had the overwhelming desire to confront W with a question. I wanted to tell/ask her how long she intended for me to pay to be a fulltime dad? I did not.
I don't know where that question was coming from. I am tired AF this morning. I got an email this morning from Michelle about the last resort technique. It's expensive but I'm thinking of getting it. I have had zero time to read the book. Hoping I can at least listen to the program at work, in the car and when working in the yard.
I don't know. I'm still working on projects to stay busy. I don't know where the urge to confront wife came from.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
The urge to confront for me was constant. However, in the instances where I caved in it always ended poorly. And I regretted it afterward. And it did more harm than good.
So remember the after effect. Always ask "If I do this will it do more harm than good?" "Will I regret it later?"
Hang in there Stryk, it gets easier as you get better at it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's great for the job but not for DB'ing. It takes a little temp checking to confirm aspects of body language. I'll break down what I've read with both coach and W later tonight. It was a long road and took me a while to become confident something was going on. Once I believed something was going on, I confronted W and the BD happened. Since then if it is still going on, its underground. I believe it was or is an EA.
Last edited by Stryk2; 09/26/1804:47 PM.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I'll break down what I've read with both coach and W later tonight. It was a long road and took me a while to become confident something was going on. Once I believed something was going on, I confronted W and the BD happened. Since then if it is still going on, its underground. I believe it was or is an EA.
OK. That was my perception. Just wanted confirmation.
Stryk, I wish I would not have confronted just to confront and display my emotion. It did not serve me well. You are older and smarter so I would plan this out. You're getting good advice.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for your advice. The team is a feeder team for my son's college path. We pay for tourneys and travel. Coach in return gets experience for his career path of coaching up the ranks.
W and son had gone to a few tourneys by themselves. When I went to a local one, I noticed the body language. I started traveling with W and son and witnessed confirmation of the EA. I started investigating and saw that he did not travel to the tourneys I did not go to but there were phone calls and texts between W, son, and coach.
At another game, I texted wife to see how the son was doing. W took a long time to respond then gave me a short text to the effect he was doing fine. Then I saw a social media post from the coach with a bunch of details of how my son was doing and a picture of my son. I knew her and the coach was communicating. I was livid and texted her where the coach had got the photo. She said she sent it to the coach without apology. We had quite the discussion by text and she said the coach had a lot invested in our son and deserved to know how he was doing. When she returned home, I confronted her about what I have been noticing and my feelings about the coach and her behavior. Then I found about all the money being spent on the team travel and fees. That's when i got the BD.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
W never admitted to the EA and said I was overthinking everything and was being ridiculous. After BD I went into pursuit mode for a while. Made all the mistakes everyone makes. For the last few months, I've been giving her space. There were other factors like work and finances that led to BD but some if not most of the pressure has been relieved. The finances have still been an issue.
W and coaches body language also did a 180. They are aware of my body language abilities and try to hide it now. W no longer communicates with the coach as much. She does ask son what the coach says about his play when I'm not in the room. She went on a social media fog for a bit but seems to be coming out of it. I think she was looking for that excitement she got from the coach with other men on social media. I told her that was also inappropriate.
Boundaries were set on some things and now we are in limbo.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I did F up. While getting D's teeth brushed, I was at W's sink. W came up to grab a brush and I went for a kiss. She sighed and I stopped and didn't follow through. I regretted it immediately. Dang those temp checks! Dang, it!
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
You are correct Steve. I'm back on. Lesson learned. Since this will probably be a fork in the road, I have to be aware of my urge to temp check beforehand.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
What do you think of the statement I made to W? I've been sitting on this for a few weeks. After reading some boundary threads, I felt as if I needed to get the conversation of my career path started. We have always talked about my assignments as a couple. This decision feels much different from prior ones. We have a lot of unknowns that will definitely affect my decision. Childcare, hours, possibly visitation, and overtime availability.
I definitely didn't want to force the marriage talk but I felt I have to make a decision regarding my future at work.
Any ideas on how I validate when she is ready to talk? I believe I forced her hand. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and end the marriage and is waiting for me to do it.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
I think this is still giving too much power to her. If it were me, I would make a plan based on what I thought was best and then discuss that with W. The way you have this worded puts a lot of pressure onto her for the decision for YOUR career. What is important to you? What do you want? In the meantime, what do you need from her to make this happen?
It seems clear she isnt interested in being your partner right now. So why does your job depend on her?
The assignments last approximately 3 years. I took a desk job so I could have nights and weekends off for sons games. Another assignment may be nights and 12 hr shifts or more weekday hours. For visitation, if we separate I would take 12 hr shifts to have more days off for daughter. I could stay on weekday days and still have nights off. For the family as a whole, the desk jobs are better. As far as career goals, I'm still working those options out with supervisors. A lot of variables involved.
I'm glad you responded. It does put more control and pressure on W. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to walk out on son and daughter. I hate giving up my time with them for my needs in the relationship.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
This is where the "Nice Guy" or "Bad Boy" question came from.
The Nice Guy: "Wife, what should we do?" The bad boy: "Wife, I decided to accept XYZ position"
So if you were always the nice guy with Wife, 180 would be Bad Boy attributes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
I think this is still giving too much power to her. If it were me, I would make a plan based on what I thought was best and then discuss that with W. The way you have this worded puts a lot of pressure onto her for the decision for YOUR career. What is important to you? What do you want? In the meantime, what do you need from her to make this happen?
It seems clear she isnt interested in being your partner right now. So why does your job depend on her?
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
This is where the "Nice Guy" or "Bad Boy" question came from.
The Nice Guy: "Wife, what should we do?" The bad boy: "Wife, I decided to accept XYZ position"
So if you were always the nice guy with Wife, 180 would be Bad Boy attributes.
For me, I was certainly always a "Nice Guy" before. i certainly dont have that "Bad Boy" attitude. But Im much closer to the middle now.
So, based on your example, I would sit down with W and say something like "As you may know, my assignment is up at XXX. Im interested in pursuing an assignment that does YYY and ZZZ. Do you have any thoughts?"
I feel like as your W, she should be involved to some degree. But it is your career and you should have ownership. So figure out your best case scenario and propose that as a starting point. It isnt a joint decision....it's your decision to which you will listen to her input.
This morning I told my W. "I know this as much of an uncomfortable topic for you as it is for me but in the very near future, we are going to have to have a conversation about our future. My shift assignment will be changing in a few months and depending on what we decide, will determine what assignment I will decide to put in for."
This is where the "Nice Guy" or "Bad Boy" question came from.
The Nice Guy: "Wife, what should we do?" The bad boy: "Wife, I decided to accept XYZ position"
So if you were always the nice guy with Wife, 180 would be Bad Boy attributes.
To quote neffer: This be a headshot!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W got home in a good mood. I'm laid up after back shot and sitting in bed with an ice pack. She sits down next to me and opens her texts, email, and social media email. She NEVER looks at her phone where I can see her screen.
She asks what I want for dinner and I tell her to warm up some leftover BBQ and chop it up for tacos. Then comes back and asks the best way to warm up meat.
BIL called me today to ask how W and I are doing. I haven't spoken to him in a few weeks if not a month. He asked about the coach and I tell him about the 180 body language change in them. He was aware of the coach early on when I first became suspicious. His take on it was positive. He says she is respecting me by not taking part in a friendship with him anymore. He has been very suspicious of their friendship due to his first marriage ending due to an emotional friend his wife had. He is now married to my W's sister.
I'm not looking for responses. Just venting. Doctor office wait was brutal on the emotions today.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
WTF? Wife asked if I watched any of the Kavanaugh hearings today. Wanted my opinion. Huh?
Then asked if I wanted to go see a baseball game this weekend. Son is going to see football with friends. I was caught off guard and asked who was going? She said no one just us three. She was checking to see if Daughter needed a ticket.
So confused right now. I'm back in bed and she's watching football with S.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Decided that when the W is ready to talk, I would just tell her what assignment I was going to take. If she had any opinion or input to let me know. I'm going to pick a weekday day shift without callouts that will work if W and I separate or not. It will be more consistent over the next 3 years regardless. Not dangerous or glamorous like I think the wife likes but I have to do it for daughter and me.
I don't plan on telling why I chose the assignment. My second choice won't have callouts either but maybe a little trickier with hours as I will have 2nd pick of the shifts. Might have to work nights though. We shall see.
Any thoughts on my game plan?
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
It's been almost a week since I could back to the forums. So darn busy and zero extra time.
Well, Friday son had a great game and we decided to attend the after party. Neither of us wanted to go but decided it was polite to attend. After party is at a different place so we walk in and set up our chairs in the backyard. I tell the wife to go mingle and I would sit with our daughter. She gets a drink and walks off. A couple of wives come to me to talk with my daughter (old wives). I can tell my wife is having a hard time fitting in and joining the other wife groups and returns to sit with daughter and me. A few wives and coaches gather around us and start conversations. W tells everyone, we were deciding whether to go to a baseball game or beach the next morning. We both explain the pros and cons of each and most agree with the beach. Parents start to compliment us on how we raised a son and having such a well behaved daughter. We end up staying about an hour talking about sons journey in sports and how we navigated it. She is now using the term WE. She had been using HER when talking to people. Daughter falls asleep in my lap and we make our way out of the party.
Next morning wife wakes up with a headache and says let's just take D to the movies. I agree and take D outside to work on the yard. She is my shadow and helps me with everything. Around noon W says movie starts soon and seems to be in a good mood. The movie was fun for all three of us. W seemed to enjoy everything. As soon as the movie was over, W was moody and short tempered. Daughter and I went back outside to work again.
Sunday morning, I had picked up a job taking photos of about 30 female athletes. I told W she had to go with me for obvious reasons. I was ready and waited for W and daughter. She was moody already and we get to the photoshoot. She is upset and says, we should have been here 30 minutes ago to set up. I ignore her. She starts barking at where I need to park and I ignore her. We park and on the way to the room, daughter is running behind W and trips and skins her knee. W is now furious. We get inside and W asks where I want to take the pictures. I point at the corner of the room and she says, I don't think that's a good spot and points to the opposite side of the room. I tell her, I've taken photos in this room several times and used both sides of the room. Photos were always better on the side I point to. Shes annoyed and says, I didn't know you have taken photos in here before and repeats, you should have been here 30 minutes ago. I stopped what I was doing and looked her straight in the eyes and said STOP, stop the attitude now. There are 30 kids and 15 parents all around but I said it low enough not to make a scene or anyone could hear. I continued on with my business. The photo shoot went great and my wife ended up being a big help. Her mood had changed to pleasant by the end.
Daughter starts saying she is hungry and wants tacos, wife recommends a place and we have a good lunch. We return home and she says she has to go to the store and takes daughter. I notice the tampon in the trash. Now I understand the mood swings. Glad I didn't bite when she challenged me¡
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Good to hear Stryk, just don't mind read on her saying "we" in that environment. That doesn't mean anything has changed at all. Keep DB'ing. Keep your cool.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Came home and started working on photos from Sunday. W came home and dropped off Daughter while she went to a sports meeting. At the end of the night, we discuss photos. She takes daughter to bed usually I don't speak to her again until morning. Tonight she comes into the office where I'm working and just watches me work. It's been a long time since she has done that. A very long time. W tells me one of the moms from the photo shoot bought an outfit for my daughter. I was like really, why would she do that? I've known the mom since I was in elementary school but it was still weird. After that, It was awkward with W standing behind me. I felt as if she wanted to say something more. I turned around as if I was ready to listen but she didn't say a thing. I felt like I had to break the silence and awkwardness. I just made small talk about a photo I was working on. Then silence again as she stood there. No sighs or deep breaths just standing there. At some point which felt like 10 minutes of watching me, she turned and said goodnight.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Don't know what I should take from this morning. Good or bad?
Woke up around 4 am. Let a cat outside and sat in bed awake. 30 minutes let the 2nd cat out and first back in. Got up a few times after due to morning w00d. W got up at 6 am.
We did the usual morning routine with no communication. She goes to iron a shirt and I walk by. She asks why I was up so early and I stop and say. "I have physical needs that need to be met by women and I want to meet hers." I turned and walked away without needing her reaction. Just answered her question honestly.
I later put daughter in the car like usual and wife walks outside. I expected her to ignore me and just get in the car, she appeared ashamed. She looked at me then away. Looked back up to me and away again. Both times with her head slightly down and through her eyelashes. I didn't say a thing and continued to walk inside. She looks up a 3rd time and says goodbye. We normally don't say a word to each other.
It definitely didn't feel like temp checking.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Don't try to mind read, don't get too excited, stay calm Stryk. Nobody knows what's going through her head but her, and if she wants to tell you then you'll know.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm picking up what you're putting down ovr. I'm not getting excited just a little more confident on what I want for myself. I like the feedback from you all. I'm slowly gaining my balls back so to speak. It helps me validate with confidence. Keep the feedback coming. I don't want to get over confident.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Please start a new thread. Your current thread has reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, please link your current thread to new one that you create and vice versa. Many thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
