Brave Little Gerda Trods On -- My Faith Journey

[Gordie]

Hugs

Your post reminded me that my w asked me for the same after she filed 18 months ago

Yes she would get kids and house and alimony and child support

I would disappear and she would be happy

It hurts badly I get it

You said you did not want advice just support

So I am sending you support and prayers

[Gerda]

Gordie, Job, DnJ, I do want your advice. I am just scared of some of the other people who post to me so I didn't want to hear a lot of advice that is not my path. Gordie, fire away. DnJ, Job, I will answer later today, thank you.

I am meeting with a lawyer to find out rights and responsibilities and then I am pro se. I have been pro se in my other court case for two years and can do it. I barely have money to buy groceries right now, so no lawyer is possible, even if I wanted that. I am trusting God as I did with my other court case, and in that one I have always done much better than the lawyers I had before I ran out of money.

[SBJ]

Gerda, I have no advice for you. I only have hugs, prayers, and support.

I just had the one year anniversary of our D being final and I can say that it gets easier, and that God will see you thru this storm.

[Gerda]

Job, reading this over a bunch of times, it is helping. I think I forgot that even his pursuit of the D is part of the insanity. It seems like its making his insanity somehow normalized and that is what is confusing me. The D makes me want to roll over and die. The thought of my kids not being with me every single night is the same. The thought of having to participate in D proceedings is also so horrifying to me -- I was just telling a friend, and excuse the metaphor, but it's as if someone said I had to do something truly horrible that I absolutely would never do, like attend an orgy or shoot heroin, and I keep saying, "No, no, I can't do that, my faith, my morals, my love of beauty and truth," and they keep saying, No, but you have to. And there is no way out.

I wish I knew what was going to happen over the next month, year, two years. Walking in the darkness with my little Christ candle for so long, now the way is getting darker, and I feel ready to just roll off the path and let a spiritual truck run over me.

My son started a new school and texted me all the last hour in a massive panic attack wanting to come home. He has school anxiety and I got him into this therapeutic school but he already hates it of course. I start to panic when he panics. I decided to ask my H about it because he was home. I haven't spoken to him since getting the papers. He talked about it with me as if we were real parents and even talked about how S had to see us as strong and resilient and able to face anything in life, and standing strong. I don't think he said, "together," but it was all implied. The entire conversation, a million things came into my mind that I wanted to say, and the whole time I thought of your post and wrestled myself into just listening, though I had to look down at the floor the entire time. Then he told me how to leave the a/c on so the fridge would keep working while he was out. The longing to just be able to be parents together and fix the fridge together was so intense, it was only because I had read your post that I was able to keep from saying something about his horrible D papers and demands (e..g, I kept wanting to say, "Well, once you have 100% custody, I guess you'll figure it out") on the one hand, or on the other, "Why can't you just love me again so we can do all this together?" Because of you, I wasn't perfect (e.g., eye contact),but I was at least pretty silent. Thank you.

And if you lived closer, you would get really annoyed with me calling you every ten minutes NEEDING you to come over and give me a hug.

[job]

Gerda,

I remember very well the feelings that you are experiencing right now, but I can assure you, in time, it will get better. Right now, everything looks dark and bleak...but your faith and faith in yourself will carry you through this darkness. We can sit all day and wonder what things will be like tomorrow, next month or even years from now, but so much can change in such a short time...but one thing is guaranteed, living in the here and now, will only strengthen you. Take it one step at a time, one minute at a time. Try not to look too far into the future. You've got to deal with today and only today for now.

No, you wouldn't annoy me w/calls...I was right where you are now and if it hadn't been for this forum, friends and family, I would be the person that I am today. Sending you virtual hugs and positive thoughts. Try to relax just a bit and breathe! You can't fix everything today.

[Gordie]

Gerda

My only advice

Is to take care of yourself

Do what works for you

When I was feeling the way you feel

I had to go dark

It just hurt too much to be around her

Now is the time to take care of you

Even if under the same roof

No need to interact

Until you are back on your feet

And you will be

I know it

[Westo]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, Gerda.

I don’t have any advice other than breathe and focus on today and taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about the custody......he won’t get it. He would have to prove you were an unfit mother.

Here is a big Welsh (((cwtch))) for you. You are very much in my thoughts. You WILL be ok.......just give time, time.

[Gerda]

DnJ, Gordie, Westo, Job -- All my love and thanks. I will write more soon. All your posts are so helpful to me, truly!

[Gerda]

Westo, I think I am worried even about him taking them one night a week. It's the very thing I was most horrified by, the children having to be away from me when they didn't want to.

On the other hand, I don't see how he will get that far. A friend (my kids' godfather) paid the retainer for the divorce lawyer for him, and I can't imagine he will be willing to pay for more than that. I am going pro se so I am not afraid of a long process -- well,I mean, not afraid of having to pay for it. I am terrified to go through that horror.

[Gerda]

This morning I got a request from him for money from our rentals. Our rentals rarely cover our mortgages but sometimes do; but they are never enough for all the other debt payments and expenses. He could know this from the famous spreadsheet but can't function.

Every time I gave him money in the past (don't need advice on that, it is a faith-based decision, not a world justice decision), it was from my own account. But he still can't fathom this.

My question is -- now that he has filed for divorce, are we legally separated? Should any discussion of money go through his lawyer now? If I answer him, do I copy his lawyer? I only want to be legal, not to push his buttons. The complication is that we do have a joint income, it's not my money, but the income is not enough to have anything leftover to split. I also had tax troubles and closed our company account and made a new company to pay sales tax but hadn't gotten around yet to opening a new bank account for that company! It will take me some time to get the paperwork from the state to do that but I will undertake that this week.