Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Thanks, guys.

So, how do I balance this advice to give her the boot with other advice that I have heard in the past along the lines of: "If you don't want her to move out, then don't do anything to hurry it up."

I know the answer. She crossed a line. I made the threat, so I need to follow with action. It just [censored].

We talked yesterday and we agreed that she will be out in two weeks. She is hanging around to give D7 time to adjust to the new school year before throwing another adjustment at her. At this point, I am OK with this. Perhaps it's a crutch, but I really do think it's best to wait a couple more weeks for D7.

I have an IC appointment on Thursday, and I think I will set a firm date for her to move after talking it over with my therapist.

I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. One minute I hate this woman for what she has done to me and our R and our Ds, for lying to me consistently, and for so cavalierly throwing away our life together. The next minute I want to call her and tell her I love her and cuddle up with her on the couch.

And the gaslighting is real. Half the time I find myself thinking, what if she is telling the truth? What if Sunday was a coincidence? My W really can't be that much of a stone cold, heartless -- and really bad -- liar. This is such a bad lie, so outlandish, that I almost find myself believing it.

Why is she lying? She's signed a lease. She has told me she is leaving me. Why lie about this? SMH. Makes no sense.

OK. Go ahead and 2x4 me.

[LH19]

W,

You have to show her with actions that you are not putting up with this BS anymore. Tell her you need a firm date on when she will be leaving. I know you don't want this but her leaving will be the best thing for you right now. It will be difficult at first but you will adjust to your new life.Time and space is going to be the only things to turn this around.

She is lying because she doesn't want to me known as a cheater. They all want to end it with everyone believing that they are the victim because of the way the LBS treated them. She doesn't want your kids to find out when they are older.

You will survive and thrive if you choose to do the work on yourself.

[WillD78]

LH and all,

Thank you.

I did it last night. It's still up in the air whether it will be this weekend or next weekend, but the drop dead date for her to move out is Sept. 8. I pushed for this Saturday, but she wants to tell our girls the news this weekend and then give them a week to process it before she leaves. I didn't commit to that, but my plan is to talk that over tomorrow with my IC, who is a family therapist, and see what he recommends. Whatever he and I decide will be in the best interest of our girls is what we will do.

Either way, they will be devastated. And I can't even type those words without tears welling up in my eyes. What kind of a woman does this to her kids without trying everything she can to save our family?! It fills me with sadness for my girls and anger toward W.

The conversation itself went OK. W got defensive but remained calm during the first phase of it. I was firm but calm. Yesterday I discovered that she was browsing sexy lingerie on Amazon. That piece of information coupled with OM's car parked at her townhouse on Sunday, I said, was enough for me to realize that I'm done and that she needs to be gone and soon. The talk was short. Later, she came to me crying, saying that she buys that stuff for herself; to feel good about herself and that it was for no one else other than herself. She felt that I had invaded her privacy. I told her I can understand why she feels that way and that I'm sorry she feels that way, but I think me looking at her Amazon history pales in comparison to what she is doing to our family. I know, not the best response. She cried for about 20 minutes. I remained stoic and calm. She went to bed about an hour early. And that was that.

IC tomorrow morning. Lord help me. The next few weeks are going to be rough for so many reasons.

[SteveLW]

Either way, they will be devastated. And I can't even type those words without tears welling up in my eyes. What kind of a woman does this to her kids without trying everything she can to save our family?! It fills me with sadness for my girls and anger toward W.

Hey, this is where the rubber meets the road. In my sitch, my wife's fantasy about moving out was actually not as strong as the fact that she didn't want to face our daughter. So every time I pushed to say, "We need to tell D soon about all of this, and your plan." She would immediately back down. I have a feeling that before this weekend she will begin to hedge. As the weekend gets closer, the likelihood she starts lobbying for more time will increase.

And she will have "valid" reasons. "I don't want to do it so close to the start of school." "Blah blah blah." Also, she will try to buy more time but that doesn't necessarily mean that she will be willing to give up OM and the apartment idea. STICK TO THAT BOUNDARY. "You call OM in my presence and issue a no contact edict. Further you agree to full transparency in all forms of communication. AND you break the lease on the apartment, and we sleep in the same bed."

She will try to wiggle out of this. She will try to call your bluff. Don't give her the wiggle room, stand firm.

[WillD78]

Thanks, Steve. I hope you're right, but I really think she's ready to do it. Either way, I will stick to my guns. I don't want this, but I'm ready to face it. Appreciate your insight and support more than you know.

[neffer]

Hi Will, I´m sorry about your latest discoveries. It really s@cks. Wayward rebelion may be based on selfishness and stocked resentments. Sometimes there are unsolved related things from the past that come afloat developing MLCs. Sandi´s written a lot about the staff. So, whatever the outcome, you need to regain respect from your W first. That means you making all steps forward.

Stand strong Will

[WillD78]

Thanks, neffer.

It's happening. She's moving out on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about it. Here they are:

1. Sadness. I felt great yesterday. The weight of the situation is finally taking a toll on W. She was a depressed mess all last evening. I took no joy in this, but it was helpful for me to see that her emotionless wall is beginning to crack. But today, reality has set in and I hurt very badly for my failed MR and especially my Ds who will have their world rocked in two days.

2. Anger. W refuses to see an IC. I see one who is a family therapist. He helps me understand what is in our Ds best interest and W telling them she is leaving and then actually leaving that same day is not in their best interest. Despite me expressing this to her, she is adamant about leaving on Saturday. Fine. A large part of me is very ready for her to be gone, but I'm so angry at how unbelievably selfish she is being in regards to our Ds' best interest. I have been asking her to plan an exit strategy with me for two months. She's too afraid to confront her own decisions and talk about them. She would rather just do and force me to deal with the mess she creates.

3. Anxiousness. I am dreading this transition period to the new normal for a lot of reasons. Having to defend this situation to my Ds when it's not what I want and I don't support it. Watching them experience this will be heart wrenching. I don't know how I can be strong for them, but I will find a way. Telling my friends and family and biting my tongue about W's true role in this. Having to rehash it over and over again with my friends and family. Spending nights alone, without my family, in our home. Getting lost in my thoughts about the future I thought we would have now being nothing but a memory.

4. Relief. I will be glad to have this huge step in this process behind me.

5. Hopeful and slightly excited about the future. I'm looking forward to truly rediscovering myself and doing some things that I want to do. Truly GAL when I'm not with my children and especially when we are together. Taking them to new places. Making new daddy-daughter memories. Giving them the best life I possibly can. My future is bright, with or without W. I'm at least above the 50th percentile in smarts, success, and looks. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I know that I have a better me and a better relationship at some point in my future.

Please send me your thoughts and prayers, if you're the praying type, this weekend. I'll need them. Thank you all. Love to you all.

[neffer]

It´s ok to have mixed emotions. Just keep the good ones kicking.
Moving forward. Get the strength.

Sending you a big hug. Keep the lighthouse shining.

[LH19]

WD,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now.

I just went through what you are about to go through and with most fears in life they are never half as bad as you imagine them.

I thought telling the kids would be the worst day of my life. Turns out it wasn't so bad. My daughter and Ex cried for a bit and then we all went over to my exs new house to check out their rooms and stuff. The kids were even laughing at one point.

Being alone on certain days. Wasn't sure how it was going to be because I was rarely alone when we were family. Turns out I love it and actually look forward to it.

Having my W gone. Turns out it's great knowing that the attitude of the house doesn't revolve around what kinda mood she is in. It's like Disney land at my house with my kids and I and we enjoy are time together.

Finding someone else. When the time is right you will eventually find some else who will want and choose to be with you. Lose those extra pounds and work to become a 10 %er.

Divorce isn't as bad as people make it out to be as long as you and your W can communicate and be in the same room together with no drama.

This is the end of a chapter in your life but not the end of the story. You are in complete control over how the book ends.

Be the rock for your kids!

[WillD78]

Thanks, guys. The kindness of absolute strangers on this forum is overwhelming, especially considering what my supposed loved one is doing to me right now ... and the general cesspool that is the internet. Just thank you for your support.