kml - Just saw this. Sending the biggest hug possible. ((((((kml))))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks Andrew. It's rotten luck and I'm doing my best to give him a fighting chance. Just praying the further testing this week doesn't reclassify him as stage 4.
Im sorry kml. My wishes for the best possible scenario for CMM. Really scary stuff you guys are dealing with. Health is something we sometimes take for granted. He must feel so much safer as s layperson having you to help navigate though.
CMM update: PET scan and brain MRI do not show any cancer outside the chest so still considered Stage 3. The pulmonologist who did the bronchoscopy had told us the size of the tumor made it inoperable but the oncologist seems to think it can be removed. An appointment with the surgeon on Friday should give a definitive answer. Surgical removal with chemotherapy ups his chances to a 50-60% 5 year survival. Trying to see if he can be included in a clinical trial looking at adding one of the new immunotherapy drugs to that regimen, but his disease isn't quite advanced enough we think.
It's only starting to sink in for him what this means. He seemed shocked this morning at an article that stated those 50% odds even though that's exactly what the oncologist told us Monday. Denial, and the difficulty taking in information after you've been given a diagnosis like this, is a powerful thing.
I'm seeing a little more of his interactions with his daughters and I have to admit, it's sad. As you recall, he left their alcoholic mother when the youngest was in her last year of high school. It happened suddenly, he called the police on his wife when she was drunkenly attacking him and when they arrived she falsely claimed that he had tried to choke her. (The police, whom he had called before, were familiar with the situation and didn't believe her, and she had no marks consistent with that claim. ) That was the day he left (he had been trying to stay until his youngest was out of school.)
Anyway, the girls seem to blame him because he was the "strong one" and should have been able to fix their mom (she was drinking three bottles of wine a day and not willing to go to treatment - also likely unfaithful.) However, they don't seem to be in much contact with their mother either. He refuses to say anything to "diss" their mother which seems noble but I think it has seriously harmed his relationship with them as they don't really understand what happened. And I suspect his response to their anger has been to just withdraw, which has further eroded their relationships (sometimes you have to be the strong parent who continues to contact even if they don't reply or reply in anger).
He tried to contact the girls a week ago about his diagnosis but only got through to one. I told him it wasn't fair to leave that one with the info and not try harder to tell the others. He tried calling them again Sunday night then sent them both a message. To the best of my knowledge they haven't replied.
I know this seems suspicious, like maybe they have good reason not to talk to him, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I think they're just mad the family blew up, and as we all know, it's easy for them to be mad at the competent parent at first for not fixing things. Also they're all in their early 20's and I doubt the gravity of the situation has sunk in yet. Maybe they don't even believe him and think it could be a ploy for their sympathy, I don't know. I know he was the dad who taught them to golf, took them to Hawaii every year even though his wife wouldn't go with, cooked all the family meals, was involved in their high school sports. Nothing suggests to me that he was anything but a good dad, maybe even an indulgent father.
What I do know is that he needs to fix this. I'm hopeful for his treatment but the reality is he could also be dead in a year. And that can't happen with him not being reconciled to his daughters.
What you do know is that you need to be a lighthouse for him. Whatever he needs to fix is his to fix and between him and his girls. I know that this is newbie speak but a lighthouse doesn't dash around trying to chase ships into the harbour.
Your job as someone who cares about him is to care about him. To hold him up when he falters. But the direction he travels is his alone to determine.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
CMM is my boyfriend - not my ex, not sure the lighthouse analogy quite applies. I am his partner in getting through this cancer diagnosis, but our relationship is still quite early. I need him to handle his relationship with his daughters but I think his ostrich tendencies are at play here. And from a strictly selfish standpoint, I'd like to see him fix his relationship with them - otherwise, he could die on me and I'll be the one stuck with dealing with these girls I've never met. ("Hi, I'm your estranged father's girlfriend you don't know anything about, where do you want me to send the body?"). I know it's not in my power but I certainly CAN point him in the right direction.
Doll, did you look up the thoracic surgeon in charge at Baylor? He's brilliant and awesome and absolutely the best on this planet. If CMM's tumor can be removed he's the guy to do it. He goes where no one else will but doesn't take foolish risks and believe me the angels work on his side and through him. He's a gifted healer, not just a surgeon.
How are YOU doing in all of this? Are you getting enough rest? Eating healthy meals? Being the caretaker is very draining as you know. How can we support you in this? xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
