But I am positive that you can be bold about responding in love, I am positive that power will come to you if you allow yourself to be weak in that way. It may not be full DB but you are not at that stage anymore. Your W needs your vulnerability, your love and your protection. Even if she stomps on it again. That's okay. This is between you and God, not you and W. You don't have to get crazy with declarations of love, but be bold and brave, don't let fear of the consequences drive you.
I am an outsider in your conversation here, but I have to jump in and disagree, sorry Gerda. This is hope talking and I am not sure it is necessarily good for Gordie nor for his W for him to, as they say, drive ahead of his headlights. He did respond when she said it, he did not hold out. Reading his story reserve is not only called for, but downright REQUIRED. Not to say this is not positive, nor that it won't end positively. But right now, from his own description, this is very early tender shoots of something new.
I go back to what everyone says: this is like starting a brand new relationship. Would you jump into declaring your love full force with someone new at the very beginning? Or would that be out of scope and a little frightening.
Gordie, imho, is doing great. Its a hard task to walk that delicate line and he is like a master tight rope walker, not falling while also juggling a couple of cats!
sorry I'm on the same side as marvin here --- she said it first so ok to say it back if you mean it, but remember, this is a NEW relationship with someone who looks and sounds like your wife, but is still figuring out who she is right now.
Gordie you're doing exactly what you should be doing, imho. I'm glad you didn't say it on speaker phone. I'm glad she called, said it first and you said it back.
Slow and steady buddy. Slow and steady. keep following your gut.
#TeamGordie100%
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi, Everyone -- I know very well what the DB strategy is. I started out as a DB-er five years ago but then I became a Christian and realized that there is a Venn diagram, with one circle as Christianity and one as DBing, and they have a beautiful intersection area. But they are not the same thing. I posted as a Christian speaking to a Christian, what I said would not apply if you are standing for a different reason. And I know it sounds insane if you are not a Christian, I remember. I don't know if my marriage will ever be restored, but I daily experience God's grace in surrendering my desire for restoration to his Will for my life.
Gordie, you have a black belt in standing. You are not going to start writing long love letters and begging and pleading at this point. You don't need to be reminded not to.
I think you know what I meant, but in case you didn't -- I was only encouraging you not to be afraid to say I love you back if you hear it from W, I was encouraging you to be fertile soil when she tries to plant a seed and to walk in God's love. You sounded defeated in your post. I was speaking Christian encouragement because of what you said in response to my question a couple days ago.
Friends, standing out of obedience to God to get closer to Him is a very different project than standing out of obedience to Michele Wiener Davis to get your spouse back.
Gordie is a standing genius, he knows how to DB,and he has all of you to remind him.
Sometimes for a Christian, it's good to hear from someone who lives radically devoted to Christ.
Gordie can figure out which part of the Standing Venn Diagram he needs at any given moment!
Last edited by Gerda; 09/01/1808:47 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
You are doing quite well w/what you've been given to work with. Trust you gut instinct and if you aren't sure about something, then do nothing. Step back when things are troubling you and allow time to settle the dust just a bit. My mantra has always been "sit quietly and the answers will come".
Your wife is slowly, and I do mean slowly, thawing out a bit. Be patient and do not push too hard at the moment. Show her that you are a safe to talk to. When they poke their heads out of the "fog of confusion", they are like skittish kittens. You have to go slowly and gently to get them to come to you. You've been doing this...keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ishkabibble, I think more than anyone here that I've seen you have a gut instinct for how these things should go. You often express doubt, but I think deep down you have this. In case you really are helped by all of our annoying butting in, I'm with the others. Hold back a little. It hasn't been that much time. I think the work really belongs to her to bring this back together and until she is pulling the heaviness of that load, you can't tell how genuine it is. Also, she seems to like what she can't have, so don't let her know she has you too quickly. Sure, give a little reassurance, as you did, but don't overdo it.
Gordie and others, Is it fairly easy for a WAW to undue a D filing? WAW filed and I have been 180ing by being laid back and just realizing there is nothing I can do to convince her to change her mind, so I have a let her go mindset. Gordie, the fact that you've gotten your WAW to w/d the D filing seems like an amazing accomplishment!
Sure you can almost always dismiss a case as the filer, but I think you are asking how you get her to do it. That my friend, is DB and the recipe for it is case-specific.
Yes, that is the biggest mystery. Been trying different strategies from DB book. WAW filed in July but it has been radio silence since. I think I egged her on by not giving her information on my financials for her “thinking through divorce matters”, saying I was not comfortable doing that and she would get this information anyway when she files.
DNJ and Gerda thank you for the encouragement and yes Gerda I get what you are saying
One thing you wrote really struck me
Am I afraid of being humiliated
I never asked myself that question and there is a part of me that answers no she has already done the worst
But a part of me answers yes at the prospect of a really bad sequel
Living in the present and time diminish that fear but good to acknowledge it
I have gained more peace with uncertainty
Reminds me of Moses wandering around in the desert and never reaching the promised land
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
