Brave Little Gerda Trods On -- My Faith Journey

[Gordie]

I second DNJ

Your writing is not boring

[SBJ]

Gerda, I pray you have a good time with your extended family.

Your writing is just fine...it reflects the details that you feel are important and that is what this place is all about.

I invited my W to church with us all last night...she declined it, but I felt compelled to invite her. The Gospel was Ephesians 5:12-33...How husbands and wives should treat one another. I guess it was fitting. The priest explained that husbands and wives should treat each other with reverence and that they should also sacrifice themselves for their spouse and the marriage. I guess in a way that is what we do as standers.

Have a great week.

[Gerda]

SBJ, thank you for the prayers. I know God always hears our prayers but I think he took yours in a different direction! The trip was pretty awful and we ended up leaving early. My dad was in rare form and criticized me constantly, even arguing with me on the street in the little town! My S was a mess and totally regressed into his video game playing self, refusing to come hang out with us and never even going to the teach. He just totally shut down around my dad and brother, as they so clearly want to correct his behavior without ever having put in the time to win his love and trust.

My D9 was counseling me so wisely, she helped me apologize to my dad even when he really wronged me, as he is old and we wanted to restore the peace.

I kept asking God to help me love my dad and brother unconditionally, but in the end I think I realized that I need to stop trying to give my kids family when it is unhealthy, and just to stick to friends who are like family whenever I can make that happen. But I did have a few private meltdowns, wishing that my H would just wake up and be part of things again. He was always so great with my dad, and I was much better able to navigate the family when he was there.

You are so right about Eph5 and how we are doing that even if our spouses don't realize that or even when we can't really show all the love and respect we want to. Now that I am waiting for another letter from my H's D lawyer, I have really entered a new phase of my stand. I am totally surrendering all to God, but that includes not changing my understanding of the covenant just because my H is going all the way with this. It is so much easier to know what to do this way. No strategizing, no bitterness, no payback, no slavery to self. (At least, most of the time.) I get confused so often, but when I don't try to fix it and just try to walk my walk in the light, it is much clearer.

Unfortunately that leaves a whole lotta sorrow but I keep laying that at God's feet.

[Gerda]

Thank you, Gordie! I still think what I write here can get boring but I am glad if it doesn't seem that way to you. I consider your posts the ultimate in haiku style -- including all that precision!

[Gerda]

DnJ, I really like your reminder about free will and how teens are using it. I like that active and positive way of looking at it. And it paves the way for a future of using it more wisely.

I am not using mine wisely by staying up so late to write to you but it has been a little while since I read your as-ever kind post and reaped its benefits so I thought I had better let you know that.

Lately I was thinking that I might leave the boards for a while. I think I am using them as a distraction and I may have more clarity if I stick to God and prayer. I find also that reading your posts, and those of some of my other guy friends here, is causing me a certain amount of angst or longing since you are all such wonderful guys. The juxtaposition seems more painful than if I didn't have the reference.

Likewise when I walk around my city at night, walking the dog or moving the car, and everywhere I go are couples holding hands or more, and it just makes me much lonelier than when I don't see that. And then there are the posts on other threads where people are angry or encouraging bitterness and those threads make me lose hope but I end up reading them anyway.

I have been thinking lately it's time to cut out some of these things I use to distract myself and instead use that time to do real work or house projects or other things that will pull me forward instead of spending so much time lingering over my circumstances and trying to fill up my loneliness hole. Maybe some of my posts on other threads have been helpful, but that's always hard to say. I haven't made up my mind about it yet.

Anyway I hope your night is going well, DnJ, and that you are enjoying the first breaths of fall air, I hope you got to look up at that nice big old orange harvest moon a few nights ago, hanging over your dark forest and the quiet grass....

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

If you feel you must leave I understand completely, I was there too. Take all the time you need.

There are many people here I admire greatly, you are among them.

I am struggling to just leave things with that last sentence. A new way for me is to not leave things unsaid, and have regrets later. Also not to said things, and have regrets later. It is difficult to know which i’m facing sometimes, like the current crossroads.

So, with yet another leap of faith, I will ... oh my goodness ... I spent a few minutes thinking about this. I will speak.

I understand your juxtaposition, the angst and longing, there are many wonderful women on these boards also, in case you haven’t noticed.

The holding hand that I witness from other loving couples does tug at my heart strings so very much. I do miss that.

There are angry people, happy people, people lost in their own bitterness, the world is full of all types of people.

The distractions that this board lured my into - Yes as a result I have a lot of things to do around the house also.



From where I am now - I will submit that it is was not a distraction, it was necessary. I needed to let my mind figure things out.

I too felt that I should leave and get a break. However, people are still bitter, people still are in love and hold hands, and I still have feelings of longing.

Leaving the boards, leaving the shopping mall, leaving work, where do I stop? People are everywhere. The problem was with me, inside, I had to reconcile things internally. Staying and struggling through, walking my path, living in the light, provided the reconciliation I sought. For me leaving smacked of denial of what I was suffering and had to face.

I am very glad to have met you Gerda. I have quite a list of people who have provided me with insights. A paticular one from you was the day you told me to continue to walk in the light, God grace. I don’t think a will ever forget that.


Gerda, as always, I pray the best for you.

Love, DnJ

[job]

Gerda,

Maybe it is time for you to take a little break from the forums, but only you can determine that. Sometimes, we need a break from posting and reading the other threads just to have the time to clear our heads and recharge our batteries. There is no harm in that.

Do what is right for you. Take care and know that the door is always open for one our family members.

[sjohns6]

Hi Gerda! I hope you are well today. I wanted to chime in and say that I have to take a break from the boards regularly for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm kind of on a break now. I have to say though, DNJs comment gave me pause. I'll be thinking about that myself.

(((Gerda)))

[Gerda]

Thanks, as ever, DnJ, for your words -- and for the spaces between your words -- and for all the thought and care you took and always take to give of yourself so completely and selflessly and truthfully. I don't think I can say more than I have said these past few months about how much I admire your outlook, your writing, your care for your family, your phenomenally amazing parenting (esp lately with D16), your faithfulness to your W, your sense of honor, your love of truth and the gentle way you read the beauty of nature not as a spectator but as an active participant, a life giver and receiver, one who plants seeds of joys and sows and reaps the fruits.

I am very glad that my words meant something to you as well. I looked back for what I had said to you about being in the light because of what you said; it helped me to read it again and was a comfort to me to know that it was good to have written it.

And all that leads to part of what is bothering me -- We can't even know each other's names and yet we have these incredibly intimate conversations and know so much about each other's lives, things that many of our IRL friends don't know. There is a definite good in that, for sure, and the support I got/get in darkest moments is life-saving, but lately I also see a cowardice in it. If I can only talk like this with people who can't know my name, then I have to think of the reasons why we can't actually know each other and then the whole project starts to unravel for me. I get why we can't be actually connected but it just points to something for me that seems wrong about relying on these boards so much.

And then there is the fact that my radical beliefs don't really fit with this forum. On these boards I think I am often seen as a sad sack of doormat precisely when I am feeling God pouring strength into me.

Which to me means that I should be leaning harder on God and not trying to find answers elsewhere.

[Gerda]

Thank you so much for stopping by, sjohn, your posts always bring some cheer into my heart. I explained more just now in my reply to DnJ about why I am thinking about taking a break. Hopefully I will have the discipline to do it!

I will keep praying for you though!