Hi Amoafwl. Thanks for the great (and difficult) questions. I'll try my best to answer them...
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Im just curious what exactly you are waiting for in order to consider dating further? What trigger will help you to identify that "it's time"?
Frankly, spending time with other women felt akward to me for a bunch of reasons. The obvious one is that during more intimate times I felt like I was cheating on my W. But also, unlreated to the lingering feelings for my W, it felt like too much work. Trying to navigate the "getting to know you" phase with one or two women while balancing work and home schedules as a newly single dad was exhausting. Mabye that will all change if/when I meet someone who I really like. But for now I think I need to put my effort and energy into my kids and my own personal improvement. Not sure what will trigger a change in my mindset. I guess I'll know it when it happens...
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Im also curious what exactly you love about her. At this point, is it simply the memory you love? The good times in the past? Or is it still the person that she is now?
No, you're right. It's the memories and the idea of what our relationship was supposted to be that is triggering these feelings. It's also our connection to the kids. We're forced to communicate a lot in order to co-parent effectively, and we're always cordial towards each other. So it feels like things aren't so different than they were before. Not sure if I'm even making sense here...
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
At this time, what is your reason to not file for divorce? Not saying that you should or shouldnt. But Im curious what it is that you want to hang on to right now. To me, you are keeping yourself in this limbo state. Maybe it's a divorce decree that will help "set you free"?
I grapple with this often. I believe that the primary reason that she's not pushing for divorce is because she would lose my medical insurance. So whenever I feel like I should push for it I always second guess the reasoning. Is it for closure? Is it for spite? There's no quantifiable benefit for me. I fear that filing will either anger her and/or send mixed messages (i.e. "I don't want a divorce, but I'm filing anyway.")
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I dont really have much time to post. But this jumped out at me...
Originally Posted by Chris73
So whenever I feel like I should push for it I always second guess the reasoning. Is it for closure? Is it for spite? There's no quantifiable benefit for me.
What about this?
Originally Posted by Chris73
The obvious one is that during more intimate times I felt like I was cheating on my W.
Chris, I can relate a lot to what you're writing. I will write more as soon as possible. I admire your patience and willingness to live in this state for so long. It's like torture in many ways but it does appear to be the last and final shot at preventing divorce and it's hard to know when to finally draw the line.
I admire your patience too but you do need a jolt. Things have to change, and you can't wait to see what happens with her. I may be the biggest hypocrite in the world too b/c I may be in your shoes in a couple years, who knows.
Going no contact really helped me and my situation the last couple of weeks. Unfortunate that I had to break it yesterday but I'm going back to it tomorrow since I did talk to my WW today.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm sure it's probably on a sticky somewhere but can someone describe the dynamics of going dark while co-parenting?
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
So whenever I feel like I should push for it I always second guess the reasoning. Is it for closure? Is it for spite? There's no quantifiable benefit for me.
What about this?
Originally Posted by Chris73
The obvious one is that during more intimate times I felt like I was cheating on my W.
Yes, that's definitely something. Logically I tell myself that a legal document confirming the end of our marriage shouldn't make a difference in how I feel about moving on with someone new. But maybe just the effort involved in finalizing the divorce will bring a level of closure. IDK...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I'm sure it's probably on a sticky somewhere but can someone describe the dynamics of going dark while co-parenting?
I'd say make it super simple. Do you have a schedule of when the kids are where? Stick to that. Tell her that you will stick to that unless there is an EMERGENCY or other agreed upon event.
How about using the kids as a proxy? Do your kids have cell phones? If so, they can coordinate. Then, you just don't talk to her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
And I have to say I hate the phrase "co-parenting". You aren't parenting together. You're each doing it on your own and it's going to be more difficult b/c neither parent owes the other parent jack.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You can certainly "parent together" with an ex. But you need to not still think you're in love with her for it to be anything but painful. But if you're really done -- really detached -- it's easy and far better for the kids.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
To me parenting together or co-parenting or whatever you want to call is not that hard but as JRuss indicated being detached makes it easier.
I don't contact my XW for anything outside of stuff related to the kids. We have a Google calendar established with all of their activities on it so when it is your week to have them we both know where they need to be. The only conversation I have with my XW during the week might be something related to school or some other random question that may come up. Other than that I see her for about 5 min during kid drop off, exchange some minimal pleasantries and out the door I go. Sometimes I even meet her in the driveway and she doesn't even have to get out of the car it is the quick.
