I'm struggling with the time this is taking, this is not a new thing. I realize this is a long term marathon and I have just started (almost 6 months now). We don't tear each other apart every other day any more, we have gotten into kind of a stalemate kind of situation where we don't really talk, we are tolerant of each other, we don't lash out at one another, but we aren't talking either. I realize this is an improvement and I am happy to be here with my family still together in the same home.
My problem comes with the day to day decisions and issues that happen that have to be made. Most deal with money. W refuses to work. There are the medical issues here as well. BUT, when everything that happens falls upon my shoulders, it just doesn't seem fair. Kids need clothes. Dad? S wants to go to a party and needs gift for friend. Dad? S wants a new cell phone. Dad? W complains about money a lot and it is an underlying thing since I stopped putting my paycheck in the joint account. Am I using this to be controlling? Absolutely not. Is it perceived by my W that I am trying to control her. Absolutely. I make sure all of the bills are paid, food is in the fridge, gas is in the car, etc. I always put a little in our joint account (which I have rarely used over the years), but it seems to be building more and more resentment on both sides. My W obviously since she refuses to make her own living and is upset that I will not fund any part of her life. Granted, this is her choice and she should not be rewarded for this. I am having resentment on this since everyone thinks that I am just an ATM! I know its part of being a parent and I take pride in being able to provide for my family, but when you ask a question and W responds "I don't have any money, you have to ask your Dad" It puts me in an awkard position especially if I have to say no. I have gladly (she hasn't asked in awhile) shown all of my paychecks and bills to my W. She, of course, doesn't care a bit about that. "He'll take care of it" is what she thinks since it has always been true. She was upset last week since she went to the store and there wasn't enough in there for her to get what she wanted. She called and said "I had to put some back just to get out of the store. I was so embarrassed". I almost said, "welcome to your new world", but I held my tongue. Glad I did, but I know she will experience much more of that if we D.
My problem is that i feel really bad inside about this. I don't know if is just the NGS in me that wants to take care of everyone or if it is that I am doing something wrong. I don't think I am doing anything wrong as I truly cannot trust my W to make sure any of the bills would be paid at this time. Also at this particular moment, there is not much left at the end of each month so I am just trying to make sure everyone is taken care of as we are going through this. The longer it drags on, the more resentment seems to build up.
Thoughts on this people?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
No one wants to feel that way JS, so I can understand why you would feel the way you do. Maybe it is time to institute budgets, instead of just on a want basis? Everyone gets X amount each week for fun and frivolity. Use that up and the fun and frivolity that costs money will have to wait until next week. Set it at whatever you can afford and makes sense.
You can only squeeze so much from a grape.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Our anniversary is about a week away. What do I do?
I know no gifts or outrageous stuff. Kind of feels weird to not do anything and it seems kind of strange to do something as well. I just don't know what the proper response is for this. We are still married.
Well there are a few schools of thought on this around here, and I don't think any of them are "right" or "wrong". My anniversary was about 4 months after BD. XW was already moved out by then. I told her "I know this is an awkward time for us but it feels strange to just ignore our anniversary, and at the same time exchanging gifts seems inappropriate, so how about we just have dinner together?" We did, and of course it didn't change anything, but I am glad we did something and have zero regrets. The key for something like this is it can't be pursuit, and you can't have any expectations. If you are comfortable saying nothing to her, then do that. That is kind of the ultimate detachment move. Or if you just want to wish her a Happy Anniversary then do that. I think as long as you're not buying her a sloppy card and/ or giving her a pile of gifts then it's kind of up to you how to approach it.
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I'm struggling with the time this is taking, this is not a new thing. I realize this is a long term marathon and I have just started (almost 6 months now). We don't tear each other apart every other day any more, we have gotten into kind of a stalemate kind of situation where we don't really talk, we are tolerant of each other, we don't lash out at one another, but we aren't talking either. I realize this is an improvement and I am happy to be here with my family still together in the same home.
Well, I think your last sentence there tells you that what you're doing is OK for now. When that last sentence changes to "I'm not hurt or angry, but I've had enough of this situation for months now and I'm ready to move on" then it's time to take action. But until then, keep doing what you're doing.
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My problem comes with the day to day decisions and issues that happen that have to be made. Most deal with money. W refuses to work. There are the medical issues here as well. BUT, when everything that happens falls upon my shoulders, it just doesn't seem fair.
Well it's NOT fair!!!! Your marriage is 99% you and 1% your W. There is NOTHING fair or reasonable about that. But you know Michele's chapter "It Takes One to Tango", baby that "one" is YOU. You don't have a dance partner right now. Maybe you will again some day, but until then you've either got to live with it, or do something about it. Maybe come up with a timeline? Tell yourself "I will give this X more months and if something doesn't change then I will make it change."
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The longer it drags on, the more resentment seems to build up.
Thoughts on this people?
My thoughts are that it will never change, your W will just let things stay this way indefinitely. I also think you will get tired of it at some point and decide to take matters into your own hands. YOU'LL become the WAS. Ironically, when that happens and she sees what she's losing she'll probably start pursuing you.
AS, I appreciate your insight. Especially the last paragraph. I typed a long response yesterday, but paused, deleted and wanted to think on it overnight. Yesterday was a good day in my home. I worked out of the house, actually had a few pleasant light-hearted conversations at home with my wife while in between stuff. Everything was good until a VERY small issue came up in the evening that required a financial decision. Nothing blew up, but you could feel the mood change in the room immediately. Back to reality, I guess. I actually feel I did fairly well. I didn't jump in and be superman and solve the issue, I let her wrestle with it for awhile, validated, etc. I just hate that it happened on that day! I wish we could have just one "good" day. I feel your first sentence stating that she will never change and this could go on indefinitely is very accurate. I also believe i am close to the point of your next sentences coming true. Contemplating retaining an attorney to get everything drawn up. I think this would help me in a couple of ways. I hate the limbo stage. I feel trapped not doing anything and maybe by doing this it would distract me. It would also mean that if things were to move towards a D, that I am already a little ahead of the game. i dislike spending the money on this, but it seems like a small investment in my own personal peace to move things forward. I also believe that this will help me detach as in my mind this may be more real looking at drafts, etc of the settlement. Finally, i think the longer this drags on, the more resentment builds (mentioned previously) and the chances of things blowing up to a litigated divorce increase drastically. I don't see any problem in doing this as she has no idea and i think it will help me at least feel like I am doing something and taking back control of my life.
I still want my family together, and do not feel this is an ultimatum (yet) to get her to be in the 1% that might snap her out of it. That would not happen. Our sitch is fairly new to DB'ing (6 months), but the issues have been going on for a long time.
Looking for thoughts and feedback on this. I will promise this board I will not do anything on this for the next 48 hours so I know I am not doing anything rash, and i also have the time to get feedback from those whose opinions on here I value so much.
Thank you all again, from one who is struggling along side of everyone in the board regardless of where you are in your life.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Steve, did you actually draw up a proposal from your lawyer and show her?
I like to share most of everything I deem significant so all of you can get an idea of what is truly happening. I believe if everything shared is drama filled and bad, that is the only thing you see. Yesterday was a pleasant day. I was busy, running some errands and working of course but was at the house a few times. W and I had some pleasant exchanges about nothing in particular. Afternoon was good. After the kids came home we all chatted, they did their homework and then I took D out to pick up a few things. I am thoroughly enjoying my D asking and wanting to spend time with me. We are talking more and she is engaging and sharing more of her personal life with me again. I am over the moon with that! W had an issue with her phone so she was on with tech support the entire couple of hours that we were gone. She was frustrated with that since it was into the evening and she gets fairly tired then. Good thing was she didn't take it out on anyone. I supported and validated her through this. It still isn't fixed, so she will have to deal with it today. Definitely not going to get a new phone as I don't want the long term commitment or cost presently but she could get an exact replacement phone if they can't fix it for free. We said good night to each other and now we are starting another day. Still db'ing every minute of every day. Thinking how ironic life is sometimes. Yesterday I put out that I am seriously contemplating the lawyer thing and then we have a good day. I am still contemplating it as one "decent" day is great, but it doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of our MR.
Busy, long day ahead and will not have much, if any communication with W until this evening. Detaching. I will not reach out. Been really good at that for months. No mind reading either. I thought yesterday when I was out that when I stopped snooping, a lot of the mind reading just left. Funny how not being interested in every detail they do makes you stop being "chicken little" about anything they do.
If you could say a prayer for my family and MR I would appreciate it from all of you.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Steve, did you actually draw up a proposal from your lawyer and show her?
No. I only did the initial consultation. However, it was very helpful. Really helped set my mind at ease and helped me take another step towards detachment.
And then I told her I had talked to a lawyer. Her face dropped. Remember she had it in her head we would do a quickie online D. No pain. No arguing. No issues. I also said that while the filing would be no-fault, I would be Ding her for unfaithfulness. (This was an important designation for us due to our religious beliefs.)
It was after that discussion that I think she started weighing the pain between staying and going. Especially since my 180s were making staying look more painless than prior to BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know its part of being a parent and I take pride in being able to provide for my family, but when you ask a question and W responds "I don't have any money, you have to ask your Dad" It puts me in an awkard position especially if I have to say no.
I thought it was just common language in a family. That's what I heard growing up, and that's what was said to my own kids. If one parent doesn't have it, the kids are told to ask the other parent. IMHO, you are the one causing yourself to feel you are in an awkward position. You seem to hate having to be the parent who might possibly be seen as less favorable..... and at times, you seem almost envious of your W's "position" with the kids. I just think you bring unnecessary emotional stress upon yourself in matters such as this (with the kids).
I don't want to sound as if I am saying none of this is important. All forms of parenting are important. I'm talking about how it makes you feel. It's bad when there are serious M issues, b/c everything can become highly sensitive for the one who wants to save his MR. I am concerned how much it weighs on you, which I have previously expressed. You've been under a lot of emotional strain, and it might help to have someone to talk to in person. Have you considered talking to an IC?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am thoroughly enjoying my D asking and wanting to spend time with me. We are talking more and she is engaging and sharing more of her personal life with me again. I am over the moon with that!
That is wonderful to hear! I'm so glad the father-daughter R is growing.
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Definitely not going to get a new phone as I don't want the long term commitment or cost presently
Okay, so you sound like a normal dad who has no problem with taking this stand with the phone. You don't feel as if you are in an awkward position. What's different in this situation and the one where your W tells the kids to ask their dad if he has money they can have? See what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks as always for your input. I have always taken pride in the fact that we (I always thought of it as "we" as a team) were able to have the now non traditional luxury of a stay at home mom. I sacrificed a lot of time with them over the years so I could go and do what I do so our family could have that level of support in our home. She doesn't have to work. She gets to see the kids way more often than I do. And presently with her decision to blow up our family, I guess I am a bit envious that she has a great bond with our kids and I am the working dad with the traditional dad role. (The wait til your father gets home threat was used many times). It usually wouldn't bother me, but this is a new situation. We have always had a joint account where we would pay the minor bills and incidentals out of. Never a question on that. With the situation changing, I have drastically reduced the amount that she has access to while still making sure that our family has everything they need. It isn't so much the usual "I don't have any cash, ask your dad/mom". It is now "I don't work, you know I don't have any money, your dad doesn't give me any money, so go and ask him is the answer". It is not so much the actual situation, just the way in which my W seems to throw me under the bus to them especially if I have to say no since we are fairly tight. AND if I were to be "sure, here you go", I get the sneering look from my W that I am either just doing it to get back at her, or that I'm really making a lot more than I am telling her and just not sharing with her. That is where I have the issues. If it was just the normal part of life and parenting, I would be fine. Example would be the phone thing. It came up since my D had an issue with hers and had to get it replaced. W then just came right out and said "if anyone is getting a new phone its me". Made me laugh a little as in the past I would have jumped at the chance to "rescue" and take care of her problem. So NOT doing that and not reacting is huge for me. But that is why I feel the longer this goes on the more resentment just builds up. Regardless of what I do will be wrong in her eyes. If I say "no" I'm a bad guy. If I say "yes" I'm a bad guy. I am in a no win situation with no end in sight. I am just making sure that I don't react to her comments which are mostly just digs at me and trying to instigate any type of negative response.
Yes, I am a recovering nice guy. NGS hit home hard and I have been that way my entire life. What caused it? Who knows, but I definitely have it and am working on it daily. I am re-reading NMMNG again right now on breaks at work. This will definitely help me in every aspect of my life in all relationships moving forward. Regardless if we D or not, the worst that happens is I know I will be ok. I will have gotten a life. And working through the NGS will make me a better person for the future.
And yes, I recognize that I do put a lot of these issues on myself. I do need to get an IC.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
