Gordie 21 going with my gut

[job]

Gordie,

I have faith in you, i.e., that you will face your fears and come to understand that you will be okay no matter the outcome. You have nothing to fear, but fear itself. A large majority of those who come here are fixers and we want to fix things, but in the cases of MLC, we can't fix them, they have to fix themselves and that fear raises its ugly head because we have absolutely no control over what they say, do or think. We can only control how we react and, of course, our own lives.

Learn to trust yourself. If you aren't sure about something, step back and sit a spell. Sit quietly and the answers will come...but they will not come if you try to force them to reveal themselves. Trust the man upstairs, for he gives us lessons each and every day and he will not give you more than you can handle at any given time.

[Gerda]

Gordie -- are you standing out of obedience to God?

Or only if W comes back by a certain time?

I had thoughts for you but maybe they aren't relevant if it's the second option. Or maybe I will post them to you anyway as I prefer option one.

My H was really nice for an evening before we left for this trip. We talked about poetry and all kinds of things all evening. He kept showing me things and playing me videos of poets or speakers, saying things like, "Oh, you have to see this one." He shared the poem below with me. (Next day he withdrew, hard. And asked for money.) I immediately thought of posting it to you and to DnJ. Here it is.


Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

-- David Wagoner

[Gordie]

One art

That is a lovely thought

That I can guide this (not control this) in the way that I want

To build the new relationship

Small change over the past month

Is w started calling me once a day at work to say hello

We would chat for 5 to 15 minutes

And then she stopped

And I missed it so I said to myself

Just pick up the phone and call her

And now sometimes she calls me

And sometimes I call her

Building a new relationship

Where we care about each other s lives again



Job

Thank you for your faith in me

Those words mean a lot

You are right that I am a fixer

Who cannot fix her

W has said and acted as if she has come to that place that I so pined for

To see that yes she is in pain

And struggling with the past

And yes she did feel trapped

And that she was dying

And that yes she felt like she was not free to explore the person she wants to be

In the institution of m

Being married to me

But after running away from me

And into the arms of OM

It made things worse for her

And yes she is not fully baked

As her focus is still mostly on herself

And as Cali said

It is good for her stay focused on herself right now

I cannot control or accelerate that

Breathe

Pray

One day at a time

[Gordie]

O Gerda

Such a simple question

But a complicated answer

Standing out of obedience

Or until she comes back by a certain time

Standing for many reasons



Yes out of obedience to God

And that it is the right thing to do

And out of duty

And commitment to the vows we made

But also because I still love her after all that has happened

The beautiful and intelligent and complicated woman that she is

Yes she still fascinates me

And I still believe in her

Yes I loved the old version

And I still love the new version

Even if not all the things she has done

But also because of my children

And believe that an intact family is better for them

Where mom and dad are both present daily

Thank you for the question

And the lovely poem

[DnJ]

An excellent answer Gordie.

Keep standing strong.

[Gordie]

So I am away on a business trip

And talking to my kids on speaker phone

I wish them good night and tell them I love them

And then I say good night to w

I pause and do not say I love you

Because we are no longer in the habit of saying that

And we hang up

And then she calls again later about something else

And she says goodnight I love you

And I say I love you too

Maybe it is okay to say that again

[DnJ]

Gordie, I think I know the answer.

Do you love her?

I know your situation is complicated. For now, just right now, keep it simple.

Do you love her?



Then tell her.

[Gordie]

Yes

I love her

[DnJ]

As habits go, saying I love you is a pretty nice one.

She is saying it. The pursuit / distance dance has lessened, maybe not gone but greatly dimished.

To me it appears she has turned back towards you. For this I do not see it as too much pressure, not anymore.

We are creatures of habits. The new R is finding it’s footing, great time to create habits you want.

You are doing so very well.



I wish my W would listen and hear my love for her, and show her’s for me.

I hope someday that will happen.

Sadly, I have no expectations at this time.



You are an excellent example of perseverance, faith, and possible outcomes.

I think you feel, know, and already believe. However a little validation and encouragement never hurts.

How many nights are you away?

Interested in how the next call goes.

[Gerda]

Gordioioioiooooooo! What in tarnation is going on?! She said she loves you!!!!! That is amazing!!!!!

I am a little mystified by your reticence. Imagine a year ago, if you had known she would call you back specifically to say that. Are you afraid of being humiliated? Or hurt again? Don't strategize. God is not only okay with our potential humiliation but offers us power through it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I am not saying full restoration is near. I have no idea what your future holds, though from the outside it looks pretty amazing to me. But I am positive that you can be bold about responding in love, I am positive that power will come to you if you allow yourself to be weak in that way. It may not be full DB but you are not at that stage anymore. Your W needs your vulnerability, your love and your protection. Even if she stomps on it again. That's okay. This is between you and God, not you and W. You don't have to get crazy with declarations of love, but be bold and brave, don't let fear of the consequences drive you.