I think I might be treating him like MY back-up plan.
I don't desire an R from him, yet I like the other stuff.
I swear, it isn't me devaluing myself. If I was hoping he would come around, then I would devaluing myself. I think even if he did, I don't want it. Yes, I was a "back-up" plan for the concert. I'm cool with that. But I will not be a back-up to his life.
I seriously think my heart doesn't work anymore. Right now it doesn't anyways.
I think I have dated the most in this year than I have collectively in the last 10. Obviously unsuccessfully, but I think I finally have walls. This year has toughened me.
Stuff to think about I guess. Not my focus right now anyways.
If someone would have told me this would be me at 38, I would have laughed in their face.
I've said this before, you are a beautiful lady who has so much potential and so many good qualities to share w/a man at some point down the road. Please do not settle for being any man's back-up plan. I agree, either the man is all in or he's not the one for you.
Don't settle for crumbs...you owe it to yourself to set your standards for a relationship w/a man at a higher level and not just for fun here and there. Your "date" needs to respect you for who you are and not just a back up plan when he has no one else to do things w/him.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all - I'd be a little freaked out too if a guy I went out with a couple of times told me he missed me. Probably not to the extent he was, but it is definitely off-putting when people come on too very strong in the beginning, when you're just getting to know each other.
As for seeing him just for the sex and companionship - I say why not IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FEELINGS UNDER CONTROL. But you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can really do that.
And - the lesson in all this? When you back off and give them space, men come to YOU. I know, it su*ks, it's unfair, etc etc but the bottom line is, playing a little hard to get - even if it's accidental - can change the dynamic in a big way.
Now, I suspect Caterpillar Mustache Man would be into me no matter what, but his ardor was definitely enhanced I think by the fact that I wasn't available to see him right away (was flying to a conference), was a lot more hesitant than he was about jumping into a relationship (just because I was just beginning to dip my toes back into the dating pool while he was definitely ready for a relationship) and a lot more cautious about getting involved (because of my experience with crazy ex-bf). I didn't INTENTIONALLY play hard to get but the effect was the same.
If it was me I'd give Hot Chocolate a chance. But beware - he may be a Love Avoidant who can't change. That was my experience with Mr. Big Lots. I actually gave him an article about Love Avoidants, which he gave to his mom and they both agreed with me that this was his problem. He asked to see me again and I went on a couple more dates with him (after having broken up with him) but his behavior didn't change so I said Bye Felicia.
Thank you. What is important to me is that I keep my value in whatever I decide. That if I make the decision to keep seeing him, I don't hope he will want to be more to me. That is a choice I make. If I have feelings, then well, I need to stop seeing him.
My ultimate desire is to have a true partner. Who LOVES me. I have never really had my love returned. Someone who chooses me everyday. I will not let get anything ever get in the way of that. It may never happen, but I will never shut the door on it if it does because I am involved with someone who doesn't care for me.
We had talked that night, but definitely have more talking to do. There are things I need, even in a casual situation. Non-sexual touch is one of them. I can't have him be afraid of that because it might spark something more. And I was pretty forthright that I cannot entertain everything is he is going to be scared of anything that seems remotely intimate. I can't be pushed away intentionally. If he feels the need to do that, then we shouldn't be spending time together.
It's really not on my mind too much. My house is. Of course the other shoe dropped yesterday. I am so P'O'd. I came at my mortgage company with a number I can afford per month and I based my offer on that number. They calculated it 20K under by accident from a previous house I was looking at. I found this out when I went to sign the mortgage agreement, my monthly price was $150 over what I said I can afford. I am so mad. $150 may not seem like a lot, but my bottom line number before that was about $125 more than I would have prefer to spend. Now we are trying to come up with loan programs to lower my payment by I make a tad too much to qualify for some. I either take money from my dad and pay my PMI upfront, or I take a higher monthly payment. I can't even begin to explain what it is like taking money from my dad. I wish I could say "dad, I need this much" and he simply says "OK". Nope, he's got to give me the details behind it, the stress that comes with it for him, yadayadayada. If you care going to give me the money, just give it to me. I truly prefer to do it without his money and maybe paying for an appliance or two.
My dad has always been the most wonderful dad. I grew up with the expectation that parents owe you nothing after 18. Any money is a true gift. I have lived that way since 18. People around me say "he's your dad, you are the only child, you have never been dependent on him, he should just do it, no questions asked, no pressure behind it". I feel like a brat if I agree with that. I kind of do. I have cost him a h@lluva lot less than most kids cost. I paid for all my own education, housing, ect. I didn't have the luxury of staying home and saving money. I just wish he would do this with a simple "no problem, when do you need it?" minus the details of what he needs to go through, how it will affect them ect.
ANyways, I am rambling. A little stressed. Home inspection today in the 100 degree heat and no AC! AHHHH. Had such a great night with my friends last night. I am so blessed in the area of friends. I miss my baby, though. She's been with him this week because he is off. Yesterday he made my daughter get her eyebrows waxed by her aunt. It was horrific. She had me on the phone screaming bloody murder before it even happened. They are all about grooming their hairy selves in that family. Well, she had 2 eyebrows now. It's my ex's birthday today, he is 39. I sent him a text that said "Happy last year in your 30's" Tomorrow after cheerleading practice, I am taking her for ice cream then back to his house, then she has the holiday weekend with me.
Ginger... I guess my largest concern is sort of like I what recently challenged Joseph with - Just what is it you want??? You seem so all over the place - or perhaps so impulsive. It was less than a week ago that you were done with guys. You had nothing more to give - you are getting off of OLD and are just going to focus on your daughter, your house, your job, etc. That was less than ONE WEEK AGO!!!! Since then you went out with yet another guy from OLD and now are back to meeting up with HC - whom you said you felt nothing for, had no sexual attraction, didn't want to see. You said that you wanted to start holding yourself to higher standards, making guys provide you some of the things you want and need. Remember all of that? Were they just words? They almost would have to be just words as you are not walking that talk by any means. Did you mean any of what you said - one week ago?
What is it you really want???? And does these latest moves get you any closer to it? Like I've said all along, I really watch for and pay attention to trends and long term behavior. I've heard you say how you just have the worst luck. Well, I'm a firm believer that luck is not part of it - we make our own "Luck". It's clear now that you are at least in some ways getting back what you are putting in. I feel bad even saying that and do not at all want to hurt your feelings but it's getting clearer and clearer that you are where you are in part due to your actions. You are worth more than this.
As for HC, he clearly misses you or misses the desert that you had been providing. So now he claims, oh, it's not necessarily impossible that we could be more to each other some day. Yeah, right, uh and I have a bridge to sell you. He knows he needs to tell you that if he's going to get any additional desert anytime soon. Pay attention to his actions - that's what you need to do with all guys. I too have said i don't want anything serious or long term but in at least a few ways my actions are now showing otherwise. Am I changing my mind, hmmmmmm not all that likely but I am clearly softening and opening up to other possibilities. But see, my actions are showing that. His words may say one thing - but pay attention to his actions.
So it's really hard for me to suggest what to do other than for you to really figure out what it is you honestly and truly want in the short term and then start behaving as if you want that and will not accept anything less. I think you are pretty clear on what you want long term - now start doing things that bring you closer to that. In the short term, what do you want? Was a week ago following BG what you really want in the short term or is the past couple days? Is the crumbs that HC is throwing truly better than nothing at all?????? Our actions can influence others. That's part of DBing. What we do and how we do it will influence how others respond to us and treat us. We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching these guys? I really think you need to pick a destination, pick your route to get there and then stay on that path until you arrive. Changing destinations or at least constantly changing course only runs you out of gas and puts wear and tear on your car while you never arrive at your destination.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I know exactly what I want in the long run. I am pretty firm on that. IN the meantime, you are right, I need to work towards that, but that means something different for me I guess. It means not getting emotionally involved with unavailable men and remaining open to other possibilities. I had liked a guy for years I had a casual R with. Because of that casual R an dhoping he would come around, I did pass up opportunites, and one I really regret. I promise not to let that happen again.
I think HC missed both my company and my dessert. I think he wants that without having to give. He most likely wants his dessert and eat it too. We began a talk about this, but we didn't finish it. I told him yesterday we need to finish it and he agrees. I just don't get it. He is a very sexy, outgoing, successful man. He could get his dessert anywhere I am sure. He dis tell me I am the one and only since his exW. We basically really need to sit down and talk, who knows when that is going to be, we both have our kids this weekend.
Yes, it turns out I am still attracted to him. Both intellectually and physically. But romantically, maybe not. I am realizing there are many levels of attraction. Either way, not on the forefront of my mind, TBH. Other things are.
My home inspection went great yesterday The house is in great condition. My number came down a bit in my mortgage because my credit score went up a lot since june. It's looking a little better. Contractors are stating to come in. Now my landlord is being even more of a d!ck and I won't find out about the cash until Friday. It's a long story, I'll spare you. But he's making some seriously d!ck moves, but I think they are out of stupidity.
My body is so sore today, but yesterday I was challenged to really throw some weight up there. I am strong, but I have been going easy. I was able to handle it well, and I look forward to progressing. Still need to get the eating part right, though.
I say give Hot Chocolate a break! He wasn't even totally ready to date after his divorce (in that he wasn't out there on OLD or anything). You kind of got pushed into his lap by his coworker. He liked you but things went WAY too fast. AND honestly. it is WEIRD the first time you sleep with someone other than your spouse. I probably would have pulled back too if that combination of things had happened after my divorce. (Instead, I dated an avoidant).
Now - that doesn't mean he's not an avoidant type, or really just not ready for a relationship and just doesn't want to give up dessert. The way you find out the difference is by MAKING HIM STEP UP TO THE PLATE. You are NOT available on short notice - he has to ask you out in advance. Don't jump back into bed with him. Conduct an experiment to see how motivated he actually is to spend time with you. Don't be afraid to tell him - "Look, I think the way we jumped into bed so soon kind of interfered with us getting to know each other so how about we start back at the beginning?" Then if he's only interested in dessert he'll flake, but if he's actually just a good guy who couldn't move that fast he'll be okay with that.
BTW - on a completely different topic - do you have Hulu? Have you watched Insecure? If not, it's pretty hilarious.
HC and I had a text convo about us during working hours. I'll spare the details, but I was very clear about if we were to carry on, even if he isn't ready for an R and he doesn't know when, I have needs that still are reasonable to be met. I told them what they are and I said it would have to be given freely. He said he was being distant to "protect me". He also doesn't want pressure of it becoming something he is not ready for.
Anyways, when we kind of came to a standstill I said we have two choices.
1) wish each other the best, and go our separate ways
2) date, but let things flow naturally. No one pushing anyone away intentionally, nor anyone trying to pull anyone closer intentionally. Let things happen naturally.
He had to run to a meeting, and he said "to be continued" which of course wasn't continued anytime yesterday. I know which way this is going to go. And I am really whatever about it all.
Funny, there are 2 guys in our crossfit class. One is really cute. The other is obviously gay. And we realize they are partners. So no available men.
On a positive note: I had two patients tell me I am excellent at my job. And one coworker. That felt good.
ON a down note: the ex is taking D10 the night before her birthday, so she wakes up with OWW who takes her to school. I hate that. As a mother, there is such an emptiness waking up without my daughter on her birthday. I was the key player in that day, in labor, having a C-section, felling her for the last time in my belly. It truly is a form of emptiness, that can't be fully explained. Then that night her father and I are taking her indoor skydiving and out to dinner. ANd because it's $90/ person he isn't going to do it and is going to split hers.
Oh, and on another up note: I was having a talk with D10 about the decrease on our spending and how vacations and big stuff won't be happening for a long time. I did say "I can't take you on cruises, trips to Italy, CA, ect., like your dad can" She said "Mom, our house is a Need, the other things are wants. I am very OK with it. We will cook together in our big kitchen and play with our dog. You got me beautiful new bedding too for my room.
I mean, how lucky I that she is so amazing and mature?
Your daughter is a very intelligent young lady to be able to say that the house is a "need" and the other things are "wants". Not many young people can figure that out at such a young age. You've raised her right...never doubt yourself on that one. She knows who is there for her 24/7. She also knows that you work very hard to make a home for the two of you and above all else, you show her love all of the time.
I am very happy to read that people are paying your compliments. That is an excellent ego boost this week.
Enjoy the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HC and I had a text convo about us during working hours. I'll spare the details, but I was very clear about if we were to carry on, even if he isn't ready for an R and he doesn't know when, I have needs that still are reasonable to be met. I told them what they are and I said it would have to be given freely. He said he was being distant to "protect me". He also doesn't want pressure of it becoming something he is not ready for.
Anyways, when we kind of came to a standstill I said we have two choices.
1) wish each other the best, and go our separate ways
2) date, but let things flow naturally. No one pushing anyone away intentionally, nor anyone trying to pull anyone closer intentionally. Let things happen naturally.
He had to run to a meeting, and he said "to be continued" which of course wasn't continued anytime yesterday. I know which way this is going to go. And I am really whatever about it all.
Funny, there are 2 guys in our crossfit class. One is really cute. The other is obviously gay. And we realize they are partners. So no available men.
On a positive note: I had two patients tell me I am excellent at my job. And one coworker. That felt good.
ON a down note: the ex is taking D10 the night before her birthday, so she wakes up with OWW who takes her to school. I hate that. As a mother, there is such an emptiness waking up without my daughter on her birthday. I was the key player in that day, in labor, having a C-section, felling her for the last time in my belly. It truly is a form of emptiness, that can't be fully explained. Then that night her father and I are taking her indoor skydiving and out to dinner. ANd because it's $90/ person he isn't going to do it and is going to split hers.
Oh, and on another up note: I was having a talk with D10 about the decrease on our spending and how vacations and big stuff won't be happening for a long time. I did say "I can't take you on cruises, trips to Italy, CA, ect., like your dad can" She said "Mom, our house is a Need, the other things are wants. I am very OK with it. We will cook together in our big kitchen and play with our dog. You got me beautiful new bedding too for my room.
I mean, how lucky I that she is so amazing and mature?
Just a couple of things: in regards to HC, no response is a response. Keep that in mind when communicating with him. As I said before y'all are both adults and have to do what is right for you, but proceed with caution. I know you say you are whatever about it all, but I worry that you have said that before and it hasn't proven true, so I don't want you to let it get all up in your head.
In regards to D10....WAY TO GO, G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is one amazing young lady you have there. I have D25, D27 and D29 and there are days when I highly doubt that any of them could tell you that a house is a NEED while a trip to Italy or a cruise is a want because sometimes I don't think they know the difference. Love my girls, but their mother taught them early on that wants come first and that is a hard habit for them to break, even as adults.
Good on you for the compliments at work. You are awesome!
Have a wonderful, amazing, relaxing, refreshing weekend.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
