Sorry I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with my thread. I just haven't felt much like talking about my situation. It's very strange because when I first came here I really wanted to convey the point where I was at in my life and I really needed to hear that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and yet I still wanted someone to tell me what I might be able to do in order to restore some sense of normalcy to my marriage. But after I read my old threads, I can't really explain what happened. I just saw my situation from a distance, like an outsider even though I remembered it all, and I just no longer wanted to talk about it although I can't say why. I guess because maybe for the first time in my life, I am trusting MYSELF. My own feelings and opinions....and there is always someone who will think on the opposite side of the coin of the conclusions I have arrived at. Sometimes it's good to be challenged in your line of thinking, but right now although I feel raw and scared and sometimes incapacitated by the sadness of it all, I am still sure of my feelings and my logic and the overall sense that there is nothing I can or should do to try to make things like they used to be. I don't want to debate with anyone about it or try to convince anyone that I didn't even mean to do what I did that got me here. I know it's possible to hurt someone without meaning to....I guess I just never thought you can lose a marriage without even realizing you were making a mistake. And I still have problems coming to terms with that in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I will struggle with my guilt for the rest of my life, perhaps that is the just punishment for a mistake that breaks someone else's heart regardless of whether you knew you were doing it or not. I still struggle with whether or not I "deserve" my current situation. When I start to think like that I try to redirect my thoughts because framing things like that does not change how things are. Some might say I deserve it and some might say I don't. It doesn't matter, does it? Perhaps some would say that despite my mistakes I'm still a great person and overall still a really good wife. It doesn't matter, does it? None of those opinions or thoughts change my situation one teeny tiny bit. All it does it bring me long hours of unsettling thoughts, self loathing and intense fears of what the future might hold. Guys, I think all this means is I have arrived at the point of acceptance and when you accept things as they are, there simply isn't much to talk about. I no longer wish to change it this way or that or discuss ways to do so. I have no idea where this puts me on the path to healing because, as is the case with any uncharted journey, I cannot see the end. Someday I'll be able to look back and the path will make more sense, but for now, I just have to have faith that I will not wander in endless circles and that I will in fact reach new destinations.
On a more practical and routine note, I had a nice time at my sorority meeting. Talked to a couple older ladies with some interesting stories. I run the 5k with my son this Saturday morning. And I'm contemplating giving up drinking. Like forever. I have really mixed feelings about that. That's for another day though.
Thanks for listening.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
I think your point about accepting things and just being over worrying about them is fine. I totally get that. When we first start our journeys, we're all going 100 MPH, trying to press 20 buttons at the same time to jet ourselves out of the pickle we are in. Then you get tired, or get tired of being tired.
I went through a few short periods where I didn't post on here, and at the time it was what I needed. Now I post regularly, not on my sitch always.
Why are you thinking about giving up alcohol?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Helena, acceptance seems to be one step forward. In your situation leaving the marriage definitely sounds difficult at this time with your kids being at such a vulnerable age but fixing your marriage isn't happening either so what can you do? It sounds like acceptance is really your only choice. I hope you can find happy moments still with your latest activities and remind yourself that something will change at some point to get out of this rut.
Some might say I deserve it and some might say I don't. It doesn't matter, does it? Perhaps some would say that despite my mistakes I'm still a great person and overall still a really good wife.
Of course it matters, no one should be emotionally abused. NO ONE! Your children are witnessing the abuse and may be thinking its acceptable to treat someone this way. You dont want anyone to give you advice anymore bc its conflicting in some ways. Thats ok bc we all need to process our situations and develop a plan for our own happyness and mental well being.
Every crime has a punishment of a certain amount of time, how long is your punishment for what you did. If your H truly loved you he would be able to forgive you and rebuilt that trust and relationship with you. Could you ever envision how great it would be should he treat you like his loving W? How the entire family dynamic would change. Make small steps to achieve that change.
I think/believe if you told him you were done he would come running back to you full force... right now he knows you want to keep the family together and uses that as leverage to treat you poorly. The strength you need to do this will take time, but if you want to rebuilt you just may have to let him go...
Now how did you do in the 5K? Looks like you had great weather.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
I've started to view it more as a poison, it's about taking care of me and taking care of my body. I'm a naturally forgetful person, throw alcohol in the mix and who knows what percentage of my life I'm forgetting even if I've just had one or two glasses of wine. And most obviously, I never would have lost track of time at my company party and talked to someone of the opposite sex for so long if I had not been drunk. People say you can't blame things on alcohol but I am. My marriage would not be where it is right now if I had been sober that night. It just causes problems and most people can't just stop at one. It's become such an ingrained part of our culture now that you're almost considered weird if you don't drink. So, I'm not sure what the future looks like with alcohol but I know my perception of it is changing and overall my life would be better without it. If I were to be single again, I certainly would not trust my judgment if I had been drinking. I'm too impulsive and have a tendency to think the world is great and we're all best friends. It's a bad mix.
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In your situation leaving the marriage definitely sounds difficult at this time with your kids being at such a vulnerable age but fixing your marriage isn't happening either so what can you do?
Nicole, if I ever separated, ending my marriage would not be on the agenda. I would be leaving because it would be the last chance for my marriage to WORK. And if it doesn't, then honestly, I would know I made the right decision by leaving. I get all hung up on thoughts about seeing my H with another woman or sharing my kids with a stepmom. These kinds of fears keep me where I am. I'm working on dealing with these kinds of thoughts.
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You dont want anyone to give you advice anymore bc its conflicting in some ways.
Yes, this is part of it. For every person that understands what I'm going through from my perspective there is someone who doesn't and I just can't explain myself anymore. I have to move forward and I don't want to go backward. The past is in the past and Lord knows I have spent YEARS of my marriage paying for the past. I get to say when enough is enough, no one else.
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Now how did you do in the 5K? Looks like you had great weather.
The 5k was fun, it was the first race I've done where I ran my own pace. I did a race with my daughter several years ago but I was a volunteer parent to run with a group of 11 year olds haha! Then I did a Color Me Rad race, but again, that was with my kids. So anyway, my time was 30.30. I'm not a super fast runner but that's actually pretty good for me. I've only just recently started running the 5k distance, I usually run 2.25 and then I decided to do the 5k so I started running 3 but I've only done it three times, race day included. So I'm ok with my time! The race environment brings out my competitive side so that made it fun. And yes, the weather really was great. The race was at 7am so it was just in the low 70s and running by the water on the boardwalk is always a beautiful backdrop.
I don't think I'll ever run any farther than an 8k. People like you who can run a half or more are a different breed than me hahahaha!!
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
[quote=HelenaJ] So anyway, my time was 30.30. I'm not a super fast runner but that's actually pretty good for me. I've only just recently started running the 5k distance, I usually run 2.25 and then I decided to do the 5k so I started running 3 but I've only done it three times, race day included. So I'm ok with my time! The race environment brings out my competitive side so that made it fun. And yes, the weather really was great. The race was at 7am so it was just in the low 70s and running by the water on the boardwalk is always a beautiful backdrop.
I don't think I'll ever run any farther than an 8k. People like you who can run a half or more are a different breed than me hahahaha!! [quote]
H, 30:30 thats a 9:51 pace that is very good for someone who doesnt run those distances. Good for you, very happy for you. You say you will never run more than an 8K but you never know, maybe a 10k is on the menu for next year.
Tomorrow is Sunday do you have any plans? Fun activies?
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
I am exhausted because after the 5k I had to come home and clean the pool and the house and make food and get ready for D15s field hockey team to come over. They were all here from 5-9 and it was just such a long day. H is out of town. But, with that said, it is the last weekend of summer and we cant just sit home! So were going to Busch Gardens for another long exhausting day lol!
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
"The party was a success. Talking to the other moms as they dropped off the girls...saying words like "my husband", or "our house", "we love hosting"...knowing I don't have a husband and nothing is "ours", knowing we have S17's 18th birthday, his graduation, D15's sweet 16 and none of it will be what it should be deep down. We'll be experiencing it all as separate instead of the sweetness of together. You're so stupid for throwing away everything we had. I've never even heard of such a display of pure egotistical foolishness let alone seen it with my own eyes. You send me texts like "I've never done anything wrong"...to hurt you...26 years and you've been perfect but the first to announce that one doesn't get to decide for themselves whether or not they've caused the level of hurt the other professes. You're so stupid it's just beyond anything I hope you're happy with this effed up version of a family. Talk about a broken family. We're already broken. Shattered. What a waste."
So yeah. There's that.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
