You were fine up until the pursuit and pressure....but you already know that. Telling her you don't want to hear about her furniture for the new place was appropriate.
Pressure and pursuit will almost always result in her recoiling. You should have ended it at
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Me: No, it's not that it's not fair. I just seriously want to know why you think I would want to hear about that."
That was good, but you should have just walked away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep. You're right twice. I should have stopped there and I knew it.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
I always want to call you Wild Bill for some reason (maybe b/c it's awesome?).
Anyways, you're chasing a wisp of wind, a meteor shooting across the sky. Except in this case, when you don't catch it, you're hurt and your situation is worse. You become weaker in your W's eyes.
Don't give the cheating spouse the satisfaction of knowing you are still on the hook. Instead, go make the best of your life and forget about her (AKA: detach, GAL). Every day that you reaffirm she's got you is another day she controls your happiness.
She cheated and is planning to move out, let her go. Those two things make you not want your partner, but you go harder after that? She needs to be kissing your butt, but she's flipped the roles on you and like a well trained dog you have come to heel.
She's planning another life without you, why snoop? Who cares? You're holding on to a memory. The R is over. Will she come back? Who knows? Act accordingly.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
As much as it pains me to think about losing my wife and missing out on half of my children's life, part of me wishes she would just hurry up and move out, as it will make moving on so much easier for me.
It will. Separation is miserable business, but after a few months you'll be getting your mojo back and wondering why you put up with all the BS for so long.
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She doesn't have a timeframe in mind for moving.
Oh she probably does, she just doesn't feel obliged to tell you what it is.
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Is she just doing the fun stuff, like buying furniture, but avoiding the things that she doesn't want to face, like telling the kids and exposing her deceitful ways to all of our friends and family?
If you're expecting her to spill the beans on her "deceitful ways" to anyone, well you're going to be very disappointed. The best case scenario is she won't give any explanation at all, worst case is she'll heap all the blame on you. You were a bad H, you never paid attention, you never listened, etc. etc.
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Will that keep her from following through with this when the time comes?
No. At this point I'd say her leaving is a foregone conclusion, it will happen. So just prepare yourself. They don't sign a lease and buy furniture and then suddenly change their minds. She's fully in love with the fantasy of a new life and nothing will stop her now that it's so close.
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Our wedding anniversary is Sunday. My plan is not to even acknowledge it. I may try to play some golf in the morning and then we're going to a friend's house for a cookout. Just another day, as far as I am concerned. Let me know if you disagree with this approach.
I don't disagree. But I will say when our anniversary came up a few months after BD (we were separated by then) I tried a slightly different approach, I told my XW "I know given our situation that exchanging gifts doesn't make sense, but it seems inappropriate to just ignore our anniversary too so how about we just go have a friendly dinner?" And we did and it was fine. I had zero expectations and of course it didn't change anything, but I did it for ME and I have no regrets. If I had done nothing then I would have felt guilty about it, but that's me. Do what you feel is best for you.
Wild Bill works. I've certainly been called less awesome names!
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
She cheated and is planning to move out, let her go. Those two things make you not want your partner, but you go harder after that? She needs to be kissing your butt, but she's flipped the roles on you and like a well trained dog you have come to heel.
She's planning another life without you, why snoop? Who cares? You're holding on to a memory. The R is over. Will she come back? Who knows? Act accordingly.
Of course I know you're right. Trying to practice self control, but when that computer was just staring me in the face, I lost it. Will get better. Thanks for weighing in!
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
If you're expecting her to spill the beans on her "deceitful ways" to anyone, well you're going to be very disappointed. The best case scenario is she won't give any explanation at all, worst case is she'll heap all the blame on you. You were a bad H, you never paid attention, you never listened, etc. etc.
When I said "deceitful ways," I was referring to the charade she and I have put on the entire past year in front of most of our friends and all of our family. She knows the truth will come out, and I think she knows whose side our friends will take. She's already experiencing some of those repercussions from the handful of our friends who are in the know. Sure, I have been complicit in this phoniness, but I'm not the one leaving the family. I'm not the one who doesn't want to work on us. She knows it's not going to be fun for her. All of our closest friends are either my friends (and their wives) from before we were married or our neighbors. Perhaps I'm wrong, but if they feel like they have to choose sides -- and I won't make them choose sides -- then I'm fairly certain their loyalties will lay with me.
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I don't disagree. But I will say when our anniversary came up a few months after BD (we were separated by then) I tried a slightly different approach, I told my XW "I know given our situation that exchanging gifts doesn't make sense, but it seems inappropriate to just ignore our anniversary too so how about we just go have a friendly dinner?" And we did and it was fine. I had zero expectations and of course it didn't change anything, but I did it for ME and I have no regrets. If I had done nothing then I would have felt guilty about it, but that's me. Do what you feel is best for you.
This is an interesting approach, and it appeals to me for obvious reasons (I'd get a date with my W), but I don't think the timing is right. Tomorrow is one year since BD. That's right, two days before our 11th wedding anniversary is when I got the ILYBINILWY speech. I tried in earnest to celebrate last year's anniversary and was burned. And that's when she "wasn't sure" what she wanted to do. Now she's preparing her apartment to leave. I don't see a single thing here worth celebrating. I think 18 holes and a couple of beers at a neighborhood BBQ will be perfect.
Off to happy hour with some colleagues! Onward and upward!
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
Hey guys. What happened to me yesterday is so unbelievable, I just have to share it with you. WWs/WAWs are truly, truly delusional. It's both sad and funny.
So ... yesterday was our 12th wedding anniversary. I made plans to golf with some friends in the morning followed by lunch. When I came home, W was just returning with our Ds from a park. We needed to pick up a photo from from Walmart's one-hour service, and W said she will do it. She told me and the girls that she is also going to Target before Walmart.
I receive an email from Walmart that our photo is ready for pickup and I text wife to let her know. She doesn't respond. I get the Ds ready to go to the pool and I remember that we need a bag of coffee for the morning. So I call W to see if she can grab it while she's at one of the two stores she's going to.
She doesn't answer the phone, but texts me back with a "copy," referring to the text I sent her 10 minutes prior about the photo, which she assumes is the reason I am calling. So I call her again -- this is about five seconds after she texted me, mind you -- and she doesn't answer yet again.
So I load the girls into the car and we head to the pool. I decide to take a different route to the pool, which will allow us to drive by OM's house and W's apartment. No one is home at OM's house. I get to W's apartment, and what do you think I find? Well it's W's car and OM's car parked right next to each other directly in front of her apartment.
Fortunately for all involved, I had my kids with me, so we just continued on to the pool. When we got there, I text W: "Pack your s--- and get out. Copy that?"
Five minutes later, she responded with, "What?"
I say: "I'm done. You're a liar. Get out of my life."
She calls me. We talk for five minutes and she denies, denies, denies. I tell her that I know what I saw. She continues to deny. She tells me that she is looking out the window and there is no one even parked next to her. This is the first time I have ever felt gaslighted. I seriously began to question what I saw. Her denials were so strong. I ask her why she won't just admit it when she was caught red-handed. She says because there is nothing to admit. She's "here alone."
We hang up and about 5 or 10 minutes later she texts me again. This time she says she was about to leave her apt, and she saw OM. "He's picking up his mom. I swear I had no idea. She must know someone in the complex."
How pathetic is that?
So, to recap: W tells me she is going to Target, instead goes to her apartment. I see OM's car parked next to hers in front of her apt. She tells me that she is there alone and that there isn't a car parked next to hers. Then she changes her story and says that OM was picking up his mom (who, BTW, is perfectly capable of driving herself) and must have moved his car.
HA HA HA! Out of all of the parking spots in the city, he just so happened to be parked in the one right in front of W's apartment at the exact same time she was lying to me about her whereabouts! WHAT ARE THE ODDS!? I mean, it's just sooooo amazing, right?
She continues texting me things like: I didn't see him. I'm not lying. I haven't seen or communicated with him since October. He wasn't here. You're accusing me of something huge here. You caught me being at the condo. That's all.
When we're back at the house she confronts me with more denial. I'm supposed to believe that this is just some random coincidence.
I tell her it doesn't matter. We're done. But it would be nice if she had the decency to simply tell the truth. She insists she is. I tell her I don't want to talk about it any more, and that is that.
Now I know what it feels to be gaslighted. It's scary.
She was oddly much more ... involved, I guess I would say, the rest of the evening. Following me around. Paying me compliments on my parenting skills. Asking to watch a particular TV show with me that evening. And now she is texting me this morning like normal.
Anyway, this was an eye-opener for me. I didn't end up kicking her out. Timing was terrible (first day of school for D7 today). But, just wow, is she gone or what?! The thing is, I almost feel bad for HER. She's so messed up.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
Yep, this is spot on behavior for WWs. Do what they want. Complain and lie and deny. My favorite tactic, blaming the LBS for snooping. I love when they claim snooping is a violation of trust. As if picking up their phone and snooping is somehow worse than screwing someone else. LOL It is so absurd you have to laugh.
It is so idiotic how they can expect you to believe them after catching them in a lie. For instance, the fact that she was at the apartment to begin with WAS A LIE. Anything she says after that is not to be believed. OM's car parked next to hers. NO ITS NOT: LIE. Oh i did see OM, he was picking up his mom: LIE. She most know someone in the complex: LIE.
Read the story of David and Bathsheba sometime. The capapcity people will go to in order to cover their tracks is astounding.
I like your tough love. I would get tougher. I would give her a deadline to be out. Remember, women don't need their own place to find themselves and work on the marriage. They need their own place to sleep with other people.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You have your W in a good spot. Do not cave on kicking her out. Give her a date to be out by. If you want to W back then tough love is in order. She will fight, kick and scream, but she must know that her tactics won't work anymore, only remorse and actions. Her words don't mean anything. The only thing you will settle for is complete transparency, her cancelling her lease and moving back home, her sending a No contact letter, email, or giving the OM a no contact phone call right in front of you. She knows she is guilty because she is jumping thru hoops to try and convince you she wasn't with other man.
And Steve is 100% right, she didn't move out and get another apartment to work on the M.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You have your W in a good spot. Do not cave on kicking her out. Give her a date to be out by. If you want to W back then tough love is in order. She will fight, kick and scream, but she must know that her tactics won't work anymore, only remorse and actions. Her words don't mean anything. The only thing you will settle for is complete transparency, her cancelling her lease and moving back home, her sending a No contact letter, email, or giving the OM a no contact phone call right in front of you. She knows she is guilty because she is jumping thru hoops to try and convince you she wasn't with other man.
And Steve is 100% right, she didn't move out and get another apartment to work on the M.
^^^THIS^^^
She lied straight-up to your face, you told her to get out, then you backed down. Message to her- you're all talk and no action, and she can do whatever she wants without repercussions. I would do just as Joe says and ask her for a move-out date. Yes I know it's going to be very inconvenient, but really there's no "good" time for a separation.
