I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.
Westo my dear friend. I beg to differ. You have been a great comfort to me as I walked my own path. You've written in support of other men as well and I am sure they also appreciated your kindness.
I do agree that there are differences between the male and female LBS. I think that for most men in Western societies that infidelity is a "red line" that they will not abide. There are a number of men here, myself included who would be willing to overlook that.
If you want a basis, just look at the English language. Mistress vs cuckold. Two words with very different emotional and societal connotations.
I also agree that men vs women who walk the path that we call MLC walk very different ones. Some of the men here who I regard as true heroes such as Gordie and DnJ may or may not end of with a new restored marriage. There are so few who have the fortitude and stamina to walk that path as men. I know that I didn't.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Westo: I think your observation really doesn’t account for what MLC does. You are equating the emotional decision of the coherent psyche of a woman (they won’t come back) to the jumbled mess of an MLC mind. They don’t make decisions, they are propelled by compulsion and the need to escape pain. If that ever resolved nothing they “decided” will hold. Question is will they even be able to face themselves?
I think in this the male and female psyche is not different.
Usually I find myself explaining this to “civilians” who keep talking about my marriage as if it was a normal breakup.
I read and followed along with your sitch, silently riding beside you through the ups and downs of your rollercoaster. The return of H was quite a Wow moment.
I do not believe I have ever posted to you, it is only recently, which coincides with your absense, that I have become comfortable to reach out again.
All friendships started out with a hello in some form. To that end, Hello Westco.
A few have cautioned about speculation. Keeping to the “facts” is the best course, and what is happening is very hopefully and encouraging. It is only natural to speculate in an attempt to understand the underlying reasoning for his actions. I totally get where you are coming from.
His response to your opening up of how meals are how you show love, is great. I am a firm believer people do want to show their appreciation, most just don’t know how. You told H and he took the initiative to compliment and thank you since, keep encouraging that good behaviour - he needs positive reinforcement.
I would sure like to come across her things in the house again, my house is a little sterile feeling. Well sort of, with a bunch of teenage / young adult kids, sterile many not be the most apt of wording. And toilet paper is getting used like it is going out of fashion here also.
I am going to assume you have read my sitch, W’s abandonment of me, kids, dogs, house, yard, etc... It is indeed heartbreaking, I can quickly count five hearts that were shattered with her two minute announcement. Those same hearts have healed well, have many scars, and beat with a strength of love and compassion that can only rise out of the ashes of such a devistating heartbreak.
Originally Posted by Westco
I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.
You are not being very accurate of charitable to yourself. “Never been able to” - really? Your writings are not discouraging, regardless of the gender the reader. Your connection to the male LBS most likely feels less than your connection to other women LBS - of course that makes sense. I do understand what you re trying to say, atleast I think I do. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Originally Posted by Westco
I believe there are fundamental differences in our sexes and what we look for in another relationship. I believe that if your wife has left you for OM......I’m afraid, that’s it. In my opinion.
I do believe there are fundamental difference between Men and Women and our outlook in a relationship. Father, Mother, husband, wife, and so on. Women seem to be more emotionally mature than us more childlike men.
However, the similarities of the sexes is where the relationship exists, where the glue is, it is why two people stay together.
People want friendship, comfort, security, love, excitement, peace, harmony, likemindedness, connection - and some atomony, discord, disagreement, squabbling, and the ability to freely express oneself without fear. All at various levels depending on the person.
The long term bonded relationship we all have experienced was made of two people with compatible similarities and differences. When the balance is disrupted the R indeed over. Until compatibility is restored there can be no R, well not a long term bonded one.
The fact that a wife has left for OM does not mean that’s it, nor if a husband has left for OW does it mean that’s it. In my opinion of course.
The fact that they are with OM/OW means that’s it, and as long as they remain with OP the R will remain over. However, this is MLC and the WAS is not thinking rationally. This next part is gender nonspecific, if the LBS can heal, accept the unacceptableness of all of this, and stand for long enough to allow the WAS to work through whatever it is they need to work through, and the WAS can face what they have done, reconciliation is possible.
For what it is worth, and I do not have any real numbers in this, I believe there are more reconciliations when it is the man who left. That may be because more men leave with MLC (the less emotionally mature of the two), more women will do the mirror work and stand, more women will accept the unacceptable and forgive (men may come to it but often too late), I really do not know if either sex is more likely to face what they have done. So it may just be that the scales are just tipped with more men having MLC so more reconciliation stories of that type, or that is the type that is reported more often - not to many men are willing to go through being an LBS and remain proud and true, never mind actually talking about it.
As AndrewP has stated and I agree (not the hero part), I may not emerge from this with a new and restored marriage. I have realized that is not why I am doing it, I walk this path for me. It is a lonely and difficult path, not for the faint of heart, and not for everyone. There is absolutely no shame in stepping down or taking a break - God knows how hellish it can be.
I do agree with MarvinF that the jumbled mess of the MLCer mind is not one that has made a “decision”, at best it is an emotional decision which can change much easier than a well thought out decision. The big question of will they ever be able to face themselves, does plague me.
Westco, please do not sell yourself short, you have and do provide advice and encouragement to all. I enjoy reading your updates and progressing situation, and I am very happy for you. I truely hope things keep progresssing in a slow and steady positive manner.
Best wishes.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you so much Andrew, Marvin and DnJ for your responses.
You are all correct, of course. It’s nice to hear the male perspective on our mutual sitch. I am indeed forming my opinion on some who isn’t in MLC, I didn’t think of that. I am embarrassed!
I’m glad you are ready my updates and taking some kind of comfort from them. Tomorrow is our 19th wedding anniversary, he’s taken the day off work.
Next Sunday we have the first stage of the Tour of Britain cycle race that is starting in a nearby village to us. So H has said we will trace the race tomorrow and have a meal on the way.
He’s really trying and I must say how lovely it is to have something to look forward to after so long. I booked tickets for a very well known Pink Floyd tribute band for us to see next February in a beautiful Victorian theatre in our local city.....
Andrew said to me in an earlier post to just do it...so I did. I told H to book the meal before hand and the night in an hotel after.
I did stress a bit about this but then.......he did take me on the route of next weeks race which took over six hours.
The tablets I’m on, to stop the cancer coming back, have the side effects of painful joints. So I was in real pain by the time we got back. I was not happy and the old me would have said so in no uncertain terms.
Now? I’ve told myself that even though he didn’t get me a card, he devoted most of the day to me, taking me to where he thought I wanted to go.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t need to travel most of the route.
He always gives me a cwtch (Welsh hug) when he leaves for work, no matter how early and he now comes over to my sofa for one in the evening, which he stopped doing two years before BD.
It’s still hard though, we passed signs for the town he lived in with OW and it did stress me out.
But I told myself that it’s gone now and even though I would have liked a card reminded myself that he did actually devote the whole day to me.
And that sums up the change in me. I appreciate that. After all a card is an easy option to buy, but only consists of words......
Bravo, I've just been lecturing Coly on expectations and citing you and your H as an example. Who cares about cards, someone else's words. Tell him though, tell him how much you enjoyed spending the time and the thought, but tell him too that you are sore. Wall building can happen on both sides. Don't hurt you or stifle you because you think that is what he wants.
I would have told him that I did enjoy but I was aching all over so much, I could have cried. I did tell him how sore I was.........I’m still going on about it!
Never mind, I’ll just take more painkillers. We are doing it again on Sunday so I’ll take some before we leave and make sure I tell him how nice it was when we get home.
Another mention about what to expect while reconciling.....we were watching Celebrity Big Brother last night and a footballer was sending flirty messages to a model in the house but hasn’t told her or anyone else in there that he is actually married on the outside.
When the others took him up on this he merely said it was “banter”. I just thought of all the flirty texts H sent OW before BD.
I went to bed, I didn’t want to watch anymore. H asked why I wasn’t staying up to see who was evicted and I just replied that I was no longer interested.
It’s things like that, that even though I had prepared for this, upsets me. So I thought it best to just remove myself.
This morning I caught that my autocorrect changes your screen name to Westco. My apologies, I am training it.
You are doing so very well, and spending the entire day together on your anniversary - very nice.
I so understand the getting upset with the antics like that “banter” you memntioned. It upsets me too, and I am not reconciling. Well not with W, but perhaps with myself. Probably a post or two in there.
Anyhow, I found that that pervasive “banter” is everywhere, so common, so insidious. Before all this I would see the humor / entertainment in such exchanges, much like the rest of the world which has not experienced this, now with the curtain having been pulled back it is difficult and upsetting.
For me I realize it is not the rest of the worlds fault, they just do not see it.
So if I may, yes be upset, maybe even talk to..., no scratch that, talk to H about it (at some point), but do not blame him. Be careful where and on who you project your upset feelings, his curtain may not be pulled back as far as your’s.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
We have had a lovely week or so.....the Tour of Britain cycle race was in our area and we went to see a couple of stages with very old friends.
H and his friend have been so since they were little and two years ago he left his wife for someone else, but went back to her after a few weeks.
So, both her and me had an unspoken understanding and something in common that we didn’t have before. His friend is a very keen cyclist and has helped H in purchasing a bike, which arrived a couple of days ago, complete with all the paraphernalia that went with it!
It was lovely to do grown up stuff together with friends instead of raking the GK’s out and it shows in his demeanour.
I’m not going to lie......I had a blip a couple of weeks ago after a couple of wines..
It came out of nowhere.....I had promised myself I wouldn’t tell him the extent of what he did to our family after BD.
But? Yep I did. I think I was fooling myself thinking I didn’t have to, but I’m glad I did. There was part of me thinking....oh it’s all so easy for you H, isn’t it.
You don’t have a fu****g clue, so cop this. I actually told him “you’re going to have to suck it up buttercup”
He did to be fair.....
He’s very messy since he’s come home, he was always very neat, but I’m saying nothing......choose your battles, I’ve learned so much from this site!
He’s just got in (2 hours after drafting this) and the first thing he did was smelled my neck, he used to do this as a matter of habit months before BD.
I love this....you can keep sex, but him sniffing my neck means the world.
