Finding my way into the light

[Holding]

I could use some advice in dealing with XW and childcare expenses.

Per decree, there are no shared expenses between me and XW, and no child support payments either way, as we have 50/50 custody. XW actually makes more than me and could have paid me child support, but that was a concession I made during mediation. XW is responsible for all health, dental, and vision costs.

Up to this point we've handled all expenses individually. XW has tried to get me to pay some expenses, and I countered saying I'm not required to do so. However, I clarified that I'll consider splitting an expense if she discusses it with me beforehand. She replied that she does not need my permission to make purchases for the kids. I agreed, but reiterated that if she wants me to split the cost, she should consult with me first.

(Keep in mind XW and I communicate via familywizard. She will happily take a mile when given an inch. She already signed my son up for football without consulting me, put dates on the calendar during weeks that I never agreed to, and when I pointed out that I never agreed, she tried to claim that I had.)

Anyway, XW continues to submit expenses without asking me, and it's devolved to things that cost $8 (a football team t-shirt for my son). It's not the cost I object to, but the principle. I suspect she thinks it makes me look bad on the familywizard when I reject expenses.

Let me point out, I have agreed to split necessary expenses for school, like PE uniforms, school supplies, and laptop fees. She never asked my permission on those, but I stated I would nevertheless pay them because they were non-optional expenses.

One of my goals when dealing with XW is that I ABSOLUTELY need to enforce my boundaries. She has continually ignored my request to be consulted on purchases and events on my time, and I think I need to stick to my guns.

Am I being unreasonable? Shooting myself in the foot? Is this an imaginary line in the sand?

[LH19]

H,

I think it’s a great boundary and just continue to enforce it. W as I stated in the past, I will consider splitting expenses with you in the future as long as you discuss it with me advance. If you can not extend me the courtesy, I will not split the expense with you.

Eventually she will abide by your boundary or will quit asking.

Stay strong my friend!

[Ginger1]

^^^^^^^ 100% agreed.

My ex and I are supposed to split extra curricular activities 50/50. I am the one who signs her up for everything, but I would never sign her up without running it by him first. She wanted to take a cooking class, so I asked him first. he said he was "broke" (that's a whole other story). At which time, I had the choice either to not sign her up, or to pay for it myself. I chose to pay for it.

[TBSakaJ9]

H - My X did the same thing with wanting to sign my oldest up for math tutoring that was going to cost $255/mth. I told her I could not afford the extra expense due to the child support I was already paying and a couple of other things that I agree to take on in our D settlement. She came back and told me she would be able to afford it.

If she does not ask your opinion then reject them. Eventually she will learn to ask.

[Holding]

Thanks, y'all!

[kml]

And as for the $8 football team shirt - if it's for playing football, pay half. If it's just a t-shirt that happens to be football themed, then you need to either agree to each buy half his clothes or split all clothes 50:50 (even if it's just $8). Don't let your anger get in the way of being fair.

[Holding]

Update: XW sent me a nonsensical rant about how it was my responsibility to give her my preemptive agreement, since I was supposed to know she was going to pay for these expenses.

Several hours later she sent me a list of upcoming school fees and asked if I would be willing to split them.

Someone pinch me.

(Yes, I agreed.)

[dusty70]

H,

We set some limits, under $100 we don't need to discuss, it's on whichever parent the kids are with at the time. Anything over we give each other a heads up and ask each other to split the costs. Between college for S18 and the sports for the other two we have some large financial obligations, so we need to split these evenly. We've done a pretty good job of co-parenting in large part because we are communicating again, much like we did for 19 1/2 of the 20 years of marriage! Stick to your boundaries!! especially on the finances!

[Holding]

My kids are constantly fighting with each other. Last night the youngest was so mad he walked out the house, and I had to follow him down the block and convince him to come back in. My youngest says he hates my oldest and wants to live away from him. He started crying. The emotions of it all, and how the D has just made these problems worse, got to me and I started crying too.

In the past I would say things like "He's your brother, you have to learn to live with him." But now that XW and I are D, I wonder if my kids living separate would be feasible, and might actually be a good thing.

[Holding]

The sitch with my kids fighting seems to have settled for now. They still bicker, but the big conflicts have cooled.

I've refinanced my house and closed on the loan. The house is totally mine, so I've cleared the last real hurdle set forth by the decree. I'm decorating as I see fit. I'm fixing up the gardens. I'm connecting with old friends. Slowly over time, I'm becoming more of my old (pre-M) self. Life is moving from "ok" to "good".

I have a fitness goal that by the end of the year, I'll be able to do 100 push-ups a day, 3 days a week. Right now I'm up to 2 days a week. Getting there!

Dating:

Dating via OLD continues. Last week I met a woman that I REALLY enjoyed meeting. She's 3 years older than me, and I was a little concerned because a lot of women my age tend to look very old. When she walked in the place, it was an instant "wow" moment for me. She did not look her age at all - she was really cute and enthusiastic. It was hands-down the best date I've had since my D, and possibly the best date of my entire life. At the end of the date I paid, and she seemed a little miffed that I beat her to the punch. She joked that I'd have to let her pay the next time. I said I wouldn't argue with that. Then she insisted that we pinky-promise on it, which we did! Now I have another date with her in a few days. Really looking forward to it!

Dealing with XW:

In the past I really didn't say a word to her when I saw her, and she would go out of her way to talk to me, not in a sincere way, but in a "look, I'm talking to you" way. I've decided that I should start being polite in person to her, and now that I'm doing that, she's very sullen.

She's made several bitter comments about how she's paying for x, y, and z, and I reminded her that these purchases were made without agreement from me. S16 has a homecoming, and she took him to buy a jacket and slacks, which cost $450! S16 told me in passing that his grandparents paid for it (I never asked), and then a few days later XW had the nerve to ask me to split the cost. I declined.

A few weeks ago she came to gather some additional stuff from my house, mostly Christmas decorations and old books that belonged to her - maybe 25 boxes and bins in total. She was supposed to retrieve all personal items by a certain date in the decree, but I allowed her some extra time so she could get set up in her new house. I had all her stuff neatly stacked in the garage, but I was concerned she'd try to get additional items or make a scene, so I asked a friend to be present. I knew she'd have help in picking it up, and she showed up with 2 guys I'd never seen before. Well, when she saw my friend, she was not pleased. She introduced herself to my friend, but less than 5 minutes in, she started complaining that I was keeping certain items (keep in mind, I was giving her MANY items that were legally mine by the decree). She was very confrontational and bitter. She made snide comments about me keeping certain things, like "OK. Whatever. I HOPE you have FUN with that!" I ignored her. She tried to take something that was not put aside for her, and she tried to argue with me when I told her that wasn't for her. In front of my friend, she said, "Did you invite your FRIEND over cause you thought I'd try to TAKE something?!" I ignored her again.

I was really flabbergasted by her attitude. At the end I told her "I hope you appreciate the extra items I took out for you". In retrospect I realize I shouldn't have said it. But this really set her off on a monologue: "WHAT extra items have you GIVEN me? I walked away from SO MUCH in this divorce, just to be done! I got SCREWED in mediation. I walked away from EVERYTHING!" Awkward moment, as I realized we may not be talking about "stuff" any more. She noticed my friend looking at his phone, and she turned to him and said "Are you RECORDING me?" "No ma'am" he said.Then she looked at me and bitterly asked "Are YOU happy?" I stood there for a moment, and then calmly said "I guess I am." With that, she walked out the garage and said "Bye Holding. I hope you have a GREAT day!"

So ... things with XW are starting to shift. I always thought I was the one holding on (wink wink) to bitterness and anger, but she's really fuming over her sitch and not at all happy with how things are going. I'm tempted to feel a little bad for her. I told that to my mom who lives out of town, and she said she'd fly in and slap me in the face if I start feeling sorry for XW.

XW's mood and feelings are not my problem any more. I know I have to deal with her until my youngest son graduates high school, but I really want to wash her bitterness and snark from my life. I can't control that, so I'm learning to just ignore it.